Opposites Attract

They say opposites attract, but once the honeymoon phase settles the very same differences that attracted you to each other in the first place can sometimes cause real problems in a relationship.

Initially a more passionate, intense, impulsive person may have found a sense of security in the gentle, calm, stability of a more laid back person, and a more laid back person may have found excitement, drive, purpose and drama in the more passionate partner.

However every positive personal quality has a flip side, if a person is very passionate and assertive, in heated situations they can be just as aggressive and stubborn and find it hard to see any other points of view, accept they are wrong or listen to their partner respectfully.

Conversely if a person is very laid back and peaceful, they can find arguments very threatening and shut down to any kind of confrontation, which can be very frustrating for the other person who is used to expressing all their emotions and saying everything on their mind.

The very real differences in the way people function can become real sticking points as partners misunderstand and misinterpret each other's behaviour. The lack of a passionate response from a more laid back partner may cause the more passionate partner to believe their partner doesn't care.

The shutting down and withdrawal of a more gentle partner may be perceived as lack of interest. The aggressive response of a more expressive partner may be perceived as anger and attack to the quieter partner and be very difficult to understand or cope with.

The way both partners respond to each other in a given situation is unfamiliar and they perhaps experience this as very difficult and painful and don't understand it. As a result, their differences push the other partner away, when they are both just trying to come closer together and connect.

As the couple become polarised in their positions in misunderstanding and fear they shut themselves off to learning. As a result the more assertive partner becomes even more aggressive and possibly angry, and the quieter partner withdraws further into themselves and disconnects further in an attempt to protect themself.

Over time these issues can erode the initial attraction and curious marvelling of each others differences. The couple may come to a juncture in their relationship where they just don't understand each other anymore and feel maybe they are too different for it to work.

This would be the point at which they show up for therapy.

I would ask the couple what it was they saw in each other at the beginning, what attracted them to each other, in the words of Cheryl Cole's 'Fight for this Love', 'Whenever you feel like we're growing apart, Let's just go back back back back back to the start'. Reconnecting the couple with the positive qualities they admired in the other.

I would suggest that perhaps the couple saw something in the other that they could learn from each other. That instead of attacking each others differences, maybe they could borrow from the other person to become more of a whole person.

If a person has difficulty getting in touch with their anger and emotions, on a subconscious level they may have seen an opportunity to learn how to do so from their partner. If a person has difficulty stabilising themselves and keeping a sense of balance and control over their emotions, they may similarly have seen their partner as a good role model for them to learn how to do this.

Maybe instead of learning and helping each other with the parts of themself they struggle with, they had become caught in a pattern where the more passionate partner now carries all the anger and the gentler partner carries all the sadness and they have become split into two disconnected parts of the relationship whole.

The work from this point would be learning to understand each other's differences not as a threat, but as an opportunity for both personal and relationship development and growth. This is when the love you have found between you can really flourish and enrich your lives in a way that nothing else on earth can ever possibly come close to.