Ashley Cole, what were you thinking??!

Did you see the Cheryl Cole interview by Piers Morgan? It was heartbreaking...

We all need a rock...

I'm not talking about a diamond, although it is symbollic of what I mean. Cheryl talked about Ashley being her rock and her best friend, in and amongst all the madness, he was the one stable, calm influence in her life she could count on...and then suddenly he wasn't, and she couldn't.

When everything else in this world is crazy, unpredictable and uncertain, the one thing that keeps us sane is knowing that our partner is going to be there for us. That they are the one person that we can trust and rely on to support and care for us when we need them to.

So when you find out they have betrayed you, all that certainty is taken away from us and it shatters our belief in the safety and security we had with that person.

In terms of attachment theory we think of this person as being our 'safe haven' or 'secure base' from which we can go out into the world and explore, knowing that we have this place to return to.

Why did he do it?

Cheryl wept as she said to this day she still doesn't know what went wrong, they were so happy.

Who possibly could know the whats whys and hows except for Ashley himself? Cheryl says he never wanted the marriage to end, so perhaps even he doesn't know why he betrayed her in that way.

Helping couples recover from an affair is a common presenting problem in therapy, but is rarely the main issue. In my experience, affairs are often symptomatic of a deeper dilemma in the relationship.

But there doesn't have to be a problem...

In this case however, it's my suspicion that sometimes there doesn't have to be a problem in the relationship for a man to cheat.

This was not a case of Ashley having an emotional affair in order to get some unmet needs met. It was about pushing the boundaries, forbidden desire, excitement, titillation, sex.

Look at Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Vernon Kay, Ashley Cole, they had it all. The career, the public acclaim, the perfect wife. What more could they want? The thing is, sometimes it's just that everything CAN be too perfect.

How ironic is that? When there are issues he has affairs, and when it's too perfect he needs a bit of danger and imperfection so he cheats!

There's always more!

In this world, there's always more isn't there? A bigger game, a better title, a greater achievement, a more successful success, a younger more beautiful woman, a higher high, a more perfect perfection.

Because biologically men are programmed differently to woman, I think there doesn't always need to be a problem for them to look outside the marriage for something.

Men cheat because they CAN...

When you are a successful man, there will always be women interested in you and as long as that lasts, it feels good. Simply put, I think sometimes men cheat just because they CAN. And it's a personal choice to each individual man what he chooses to do with this choice.  

And affairs and cheating don't always have to mean the end of a relationship. They can be worked through to reach an even stronger more honest and connected relationship than before.

However, these kind of betrayals have long reaching pervasive consequences on a relationship that can sometimes haunt you forever.

We have choices...

We all have choices and if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who chooses to cheat, it's then as much your choice to choose to stay in the relationship with someone who is choosing to cheat and what that means to you.

Some people are just not able to be sexually monogomous. This doesn't mean they can't be emotionally monogomous and perhaps that is ok with you. Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett have an open relationship in that they will tell each other if they want to sleep with other people.

Betrayal is rarely about the sex itself, it's about the lying and dishonesty, so Will and Jada have come to an arrangement that works for them and does not threaten the security of their relationship.

Men who cheat, will repeat...

Sadly men who cheat, tend to repeat, so if we think about attachment theory and the importance of having that security with our attachment figure in order to be able to go out into the world and be our best selves, it is worth considering what choices we make for the sake of our hearts...