Big Boys Don't Cry

A couple I know have just found out they are pregnant. When they found out, the man started drinking a lot and began behaving aggressively around the family. He was ambivalent about the pregnancy as he is in his 50s and they both already have 3 children from previous relationships.

What's the connection?

I've recently started working at a swim school with babies and children teaching them how to swim and one of the things that got me thinking was how much compassion I felt for the little boys who were scared of the water.

They cried and didn't want to get into the pool, clung to their mums and panicked if they were left alone in the water.

Boys who cry grow up to become men who don't cry...

I suddenly connected the two and realised that these boys would grow up to become the men that women fall in love with and marry and expect to be strong protectors and defenders of us.

Where did the need and sensitivity go when these little boys grew up, when they were no longer allowed to cling to their mum's legs and express their fear and anxiety? 

Fear is not gender specific. It is human and universal. We all feel it and are affected by it.

Society gives women permission to feel and express their emotions. We acknowledge it is ok for girls to cry and be scared, anxious, nervous, insecure, but if men feel and show this they are saps, wusses, big girls blouses, babies...

It seemed clear to me that the woman's partner was scared, confused and worried about the pregnancy and didn't know how to express it. Instead he was repressing his real feelings and numbing out by drinking.

It's easier to be angry than scared...

He didn't know how to talk to his partner about his concerns and fear so it was easier to push her away by being aggressive and angry.

Naturally the woman's maternal instinct kicks in to protect her two children and unborn child and so she asked him to leave, when all he really needed was to talk to her about how he felt so they could manage the situation together and support each other.

Babies are not always only wonderful...

We have this idea in society that pregnancy is a wonderful thing to be celebrated and embraced by our friends, families and partners, but the reality is that it is also very hard work and a huge life long responsibility to undertake.

Having been through raising three children previously in an unsuccessful relationship, he quite probably knows what the new baby will entail and how difficult it will be.

As well as all his own insecurities being triggered as to how he has not been able to be a good enough father to the 2 children he already has.

I wonder if behind this strong angry man, we can see the frightened little boy standing at the edge of the pool crying and holding onto his mum's skirt...

How do you view differences?

This is a really lovely blog post:  I'm Tigger and He's Eeyore

x

Happy New Year!

This is an amazing quote which I wanted to share today as we bring in 2011 together...

'Dependency, which has been pathologised in our culture, is an innate part of being human rather than a childhood trait that we outgrow. Attachment and the emotions associated with it are the core defining feature of close relationships... It reminds us that when the wind blows, it stings the eyes of all. The fear of isolation and loss is found in every human heart.'

 Dr Susan Johnson (2004:25) The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Creating Connection.

Have a great new year and keep loving each other...xxx

Emotional Affairs...AKA She/He is Just a Friend

'She/he is just a friend!'

I always find these situations so uncomfortable and tricky, because whoever is having the affair is 'technically' not doing/done anything 'wrong'. ie they have not physically 'consumated' the affair...YET.

So their story is, 'What is your problem? She/he is just a friend!'

The upset partner is struggling to come to terms with this threat to their relationship and double betrayal in that their partner is sharing emotional intimacy with another person and then denying that they have a right to be hurt by this. It's all shades of gray.

Confusion

A lot of the time, there is a lot of confusion as the hurt partner tries to reconcile the information discovered/being given, and the very painful feelings they are experiencing.

They try to make the two stories match, but struggle to cope with wanting to be close and loving to their partner and being hurt, confused and angry at them.

The hurt partner expresses their feelings in the form of anger, questioning, jealousy, mistrust, withdrawal, ultimatums...etc. which creates the opposite effect of what it is they actually want/need, which is to be reassured and comforted by their partner and to have their belief and trust in the relationship restored.

Pushing him right into her arms 

Their behaviour pushes their partner away even more, usually into the arms of the person who they are getting close to in the first place. It's all very dangerous ground.

And the most dangerous part of all is that an affair, especially an emotional affair, is usually symptomatic of deeper unresolved issues within the relationship.

The person having the emotional affair may be looking for something that they have lost in their original relationship, be that intimacy, desire, excitement, passion, novelty, attraction, friendship...

What is missing?

Because something is missing and the couple have not talked about it or come to an agreement on how to rediscover/create/find this, the relationship is vulnerable.

In a way the person having the emotional affair is the one who is more aware of the lack/loss as they are looking for it with another person and this may come as a sudden wake up call to their partner when they discover this threat.


There are no 'villains' and 'victims'

It is just as difficult for the person who is having the emotional affair, because they are also struggling to reconcile their feelings of need, guilt and anger.

They are not the 'villain' in the story and the partner the 'innocent victim', yet they are made to feel this way and are further reminded of their sadness and disconnection from their partner.

They have found something of what they felt missing in their new friendship, but what they probably wanted for a long time before this was for it to be present within their current relationship.

You are both hurting...

So the person having the emotional affair has probably been hurting for as much time, if not more before this crisis came about.

Now the issue has blown itself up into the daylight, the hurt betrayed partner who appears the victim further damages the relationship problem by reacting to their pain and pushing their partner away.

They find themselves locked in a battle of emotion, hurt, pain, betrayal, need, loss, fear, anger, suspicion, mistrust, denial, accusation...and then they come to couples counselling!

I also found this article interesting: The danger of an emotional affair.

First Love

Great article in FeMail: Can you ever get over your first love?


You know what they say, they call it first love, because it's not the last...

Do you spit or swallow?

I have just started reading 'Women who Love too much' by Robin Norwood.

I will tell you what I think of the book in a bit, but before that, I did find validity in the following quotes and just wanted to share: 

'It is important to understand...that what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. There may be other problems that are discussed, often ad nauseum, but these often cover up the underlying secrets that make the family dysfunctional. It is the degree of secrecy - the inability to talk about the problems - rather than their severity, that defines both how dysfunctional a family becomes and how severely its members are damaged.' (p.12)

She goes on to say:

'Because our family denies our reality, we begin to deny it too.' (p.13)

I thought these quotes were so very important to get a hold of.

This book is aimed at a certain type of woman outlined by Norwood who 'loves too much' and is continuously attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I must point out that I am reading this book with a healthy sceptism as I tend to be heavily against labelling or pigeonholing 'types' of people.

I'm much more a believer in the human condition, that we all have our failings and are flawed in some way, but these foibles are what make us unique and individual.

However, the above quotes did really resonate for me beyond the wider message of the book, she has pointed out something very key here.


The more repression; the more rebellion...

I was thinking about the idea we work with in therapy that the more repression there is, the more rebellion, or acting out there is, if there are no conversations about what is going on between you.

For example a common one (not to be stereotypical, but this is a situation I have seen quite a few times in my practice) might be a husband who feels his wife is not giving him enough attention or is too preoccupied with the children, the household chores, or her career.

If there is no conversation about this between them and agreement on how his needs can be better met, acting out in this instance could be flirting with other people, having an emotional or sexual affair, or even anger and violence.

Sorry honey, I burnt your dinner...

Acting out could also take the form of passive aggressive behaviour.

For example (another stereotype, sorry) if the woman in a relationship is unhappy because her husband is preoccupied with his work, social life, sports, recreational activities etc. she may withhold sex, or refuse to engage with him when he is talking to her about something he is excited about.

You know the old cliches where the wife purposely burn his shirts when ironing them, or leaves his food in the oven too long. You get the idea!  


Swallowing the feelings...

'Acting in' is the other possibility, when people take the emotions they are feeling and unable to express them, swallow them and turn all their sadness, rage and frustration in on themselves.

This usually takes the form of depression and is very dangerous because it can lead to suicidal feelings and possible suicide attempts, self harm, overeating, alcoholism...pushing the feelings down further. 


Naughty kids acting out? Quiet kids acting in?

If we read the above quotes by Robin Norwood and think about the 'acting out' and 'acting in' concepts, we can see that when children are being very rebellious and naughty, or very quiet and withdrawn, there is the possibility that these are the first signs that something going on for them.

Because they are unable to express this, they are presenting challenging behaviour as a cry for help really, rather than a personality defect.


So do you spit or swallow?

So how did issues and emotions get dealt with in your families?

Were problems talked about openly?

Were you encouraged to spit out what you were thinking and feeling so they could be discussed?

Or did you learn how to swallow pain, fear, sorrow?

As an adult, how do you cope with issues, fears, feelings?

Have you carried the ways of dealing with problems you learnt in your families of origin into your adult life and relationships?

Are you able to talk about these things with friends, partners, lovers, family now?
  
Do you 'act out' or 'act in' when you are unable to express yourself?

How do you think you could start to break these patterns from today???

Drama Triangles

Today I was thinking about Karpman's drama triangle.

I love that idea, the drama triangle!

It looks like this, at each corner you have a different role or position...

Persecutor > Victim > Rescuer

In relationship work, we often look at triangles.

Affairs

Be that affairs where another person is drawn into the dynamic with the original couple.

Parentification

Triangulation of a child into the adult relationship where the child is expected to meet the adults emotional needs known as parentification.

Therapy

Or when the therapist is drawn into the dynamic of the relationship as the third party.

It's interesting how we can be drawn into these roles in life so easily and chase each other round and round so no-one effectively has to take responsibility for themselves.

Persecutor

In this theory the persecutor is like a critical parent, they may feel they can improve the victim, they dominate and attack, blame and accuse without taking into account the feelings of the victim.

They believe they know better, they hold all the power and control and try to change the other person rather than looking at themself.

Their position is I'm ok, you're not ok.

Victim

The victim is like the child, always apologising, feeling unworthy, helpless and at the mercy of the persecutor.

They believe the persecutor knows better and do not recognise their own power.

Their position is I'm not ok, you're ok.

Rescuer

And the rescuer is like a nurturing parent.

They can often do too much and be overprotective, babying and thereby disempowering the victim even more and keeping the victim reliant and dependent on them for their support and help. 

Their position is I'm ok, you're not ok.

Who rescues?

The rescuer is perhaps the unaware therapist who may be drawn into the drama triangle unwittingly.

Or a person outside the relationship who provides a shoulder to cry on such as a best friend, or more worryingly the person you have an affair with.

The rescuer can also be the child who learns to attain love from their parent by providing them with their emotional needs.

This often leaves the adult parentified child with very difficult relationship patterns in later life.

Triangle of change

In the triangle of change we try to shift the roles from

Persecutor > Assertive adult

The assertive adult, rather than attacking the victim in order to incite change, is able to change their own behaviour to get their needs met.

They are respectful and assertive in sharing their thoughts and feelings, without blaming and criticising the other person.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.

Victim > Vulnerable adult

The vulnerable adult is able to think for themself and recognise they are in a vulnerable position. They are able to use their feelings as information and look at where they are and where they would like to be and take steps towards that change for themself.

They are able to ask for help where neccessary, but not in expectation of someone else doing everything for them.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.

Rescuer > Helpful adult

The helpful adult, rather than being a mollycoddling overprotective parent, instead is able to provide the help that is asked for and wanted without doing it all for them.

They are able to express concern for the vulnerable adult without taking over and allow the other person to think for themself and make their own decisions. They help to enpower and enable the vulnerable adult through their support.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.


Everyone is ok!!

So that about sums it up.

If you are blaming someone else for something you are unhappy with and not looking at change for yourself, perhaps you are being a persecutor.

If you allow other people to take care of you and are not able to get yourself out of difficult situations or stand up for yourself, perhaps you are a victim.

If you are always doing too much for other people, so they don't get the chance to do for themself what they are perfectly capable of doing, perhaps you are not being as helpful as you think.

Either way, the best position you can take if you want to step out of the drama triangle and into an adult triangle of change is to recognise, I'm ok and you're ok, we're all ok.

After all isn't that what true love is all about? Acceptance and forgiveness...

Why am I bothering?

This week one of the couples I have just started working with made me think of one of my favourite quotes below...

They have been together just over a year and have been having difficulties communicating without arguing. 

The man said in the session, 'I don't even know why I'm bothering.' 

So I asked him directly, 'Why are you bothering?'

What he said next was really touching. 

He paused for a while, smiled and said simply, 'Because I love her, I do...and I know that deep down in there is a lovely person.'

That choked me up!

All the battling between the two of them was really just an attempt to reconnect with each other, to feel safe enough to love each other and be the vulnerable lovely people they are without fear that if they let down their guards and trust again they will be hurt, let down, disappointed, abandoned or betrayed.

‘One of the most striking, and perhaps encouraging, things that psychoanalysts have discovered is that people never give up trying to put things right for themselves and for the people they love…what appears to be the most desperate and useless behaviour can be understood as an attempt to get back to something that was good in the past or to put right something that was unsatisfactory. Over and over again people come back to their failures in an attempt to remedy them, even if they cannot help repeating the same failure over and over again.’ 

- Balint, E. (1993:41) Unconscious communications between husband and wife. In: Ruszcynski, S. (ed) Psychotherapy with couples. London: Karnac 

Don't go to bed mad!

This made me laugh today:

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." - Phyllis Diller

...Even better if you can, park it, have a hug, talk about it the next day when you are both feeling more rational and in control of your emotions.

Goodnight, sleep tight.xx

Festive Frustrations...

Sometimes I think my job is to take the romance out of love :(

After all, what is romance other than a heady mix of mystery and intrigue, excitement, intensity, desire and chemistry?

Good relationships are not based on romance...

Romance can really help to kick start a potential relationship, but the thing is, a strong solid relationship is based on more fundamental elements such as communication, negotiation, understanding, compromise, good will and friendship.

If you don't talk about things together and work out how you can both be happy enough with your agreement, there is always going to be an argument or miscommunication waiting for you round the corner.

At this festive time of year, you may be busy organising yourselves for Christmas parties and dinners, or you may have holidays away together planned.

Either way, in our own heads we usually have ideas of how we want things to go and have expectations for how things will play out.

With Expectations Come Disappointment...

If you are going away together you may be very excited to spend time together and visit a new place or you may just be glad to get away from the stresses of everyday life.

I hate to be the kill joy, but what concerns me when couples are very excited about something is that with expectations come disappointment when things don't go exactly to plan.

One of you may have ideas to get up early every morning and go for walks, explore and make the most of your time in a new place. Whereas the other one may have ideas about sleeping in late, being lazy and generally taking this break as an opportunity to relax.

This disjointed agenda may come as an unpleasant surprise following all the anticipation and excitement that has preceeded your time away and be the perfect fuel for an argument to further taint and disrupt your festive mood.

Talk about it...

My advice, as always is to talk about everything. Prepare yourselves for how you want things to go.

Talk about how you want to spend your festive time together and agree in advance on a plan of action so you know what you are both doing before the time comes and what is expected of you.

If one of you wants to be more active with this free time and the other wants to be more low key, try to find a compromise between what you want to do and what your partner has in mind.

Never assume...

You know that saying, assume makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Don't assume in the midst of all your excitement that things will just go the way you want them to. 

Certain times of the year such as Christmas, Birthdays and New Years are high stress periods and conflict is much more common at these times.

If you know you have a propensity to argue in certain situations, set up safety plans for yourselves as to how you will manage this.

Be aware of your reactions... 

If you know that when you argue you have a tendency to shut down and walk out, then make an agreement that if you do that, you will come back in an hour, or you will call your partner to let them know what you need to calm down and get a hold of yourself.

If you know that when you get frustrated and angry you shout and scream, make an agreement that your partner will ask you once to stop shouting, then if you continue they will walk away till you can calm down and you can talk about it. 

Have an honest open discussion of how you both react in certain situations and how you can deal with this together.
   
Have a great holiday!!

And once you've done all that prep work, be as excited as you can be, let go, love each other, trust in your relationship and have a grrrrrrrrreat holiday!!

xxx

Piglet and Pooh...

I absolutely love this...

'Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  
"Pooh!" he whispered.  
"Yes, Piglet?"  
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.  
"I just wanted to be sure of you." '
~A.A. Milne

The problem with stuffing...

The problem with stuffing, is that there is only so much 'stuff' you can stuff away before it starts to stuff you up!

Ok, that's a lot of 'stuff' in one sentence, but you get what I'm trying to say...

Suppressing your feelings

If you learnt how to suppress your feelings as you were growing up, and stuff them down inside of you instead of expressing them as you feel them, sooner or later they will have to come out in some shape or form.

The problem is that by this time the feelings have usually warped and transformed into something much bigger than it orginally began as and is much more difficult to deal with.

After holding it in for so long the way you voice your feeling may come out as an accusation, complaint, criticism, whining or just plain old drama.

Under attack!

Your partner then feels attacked, caught unaware and unprepared to deal with this outburst and may then become defensive and withdraw or attack back.

This then leaves you feeling even more angry because you don't feel heard.

Loop the loop

How many times have you been round this loop and gotten increasingly more frustrated and stuffed more of your feelings away in order to avoid the confrontations, only for the stuff to eventually come out anyway?

The fact is, if these are the results you are coming up against time and again, it may well be the way you are communicating your feelings.

Shut down

You may think that you are offering useful and helpful advice, but if you are not talking about your feelings and are just telling your partner what they have done wrong to hurt and upset you and what you want from them, these are really just your opinion and solutions to your own frustration and discontent.

Your partner hears it as them being at fault and being told what to do and will shut down to it, which may leave you feeling resentful, hurt, confused and unloved.

Setting boundaries

It may be that you need to work on setting healthy boundaries for yourself on what you are willing and not willing to accept.

If you are not happy about doing something, learn how to politely and assertively say no. Don't do things you don't want to do and then get angry about it later.

What don't you want?

Learn how to talk about what you don't want rather than asking for what you want.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but if you can say what you don't want, you are not asking or demanding anything of your partner or making them feel pressured into doing anything for you.

Rather you are letting it be known what is not acceptable and laying down the boundaries within which you will feel safe and happy.

Your partner will feel more comfortable as they know where they stand with you and will have more respect for you.

Feel your feelings

When you are communicating with your partner avoid blame and stick to the real feelings. Be willing to feel your feelings and own them, these may be mad, bad, sad, glad, scared, confused, lonely...etc.

Learn to recognise what these feelings are in your body and tune into them, rather than push them away.

Yoga and meditation can be useful ways to tune into your body, get in touch with your feelings and relax your body mind system so you can see things more clearly.


Open yourself to learning

Rather than being accusing and attacking and angry, try to explore the feeling fully and express it in it's purest form.

Instead of yelling why didn't you call me? You never listen! Or you always do this! Try finding the feeling and saying, I feel unimportant, unheard, frustrated, what do you think?

Open yourself up to learning about your own and your partner's feelings and work as a team to get through it because you are both in this relationship together.

Love is freedom

Today I was reading an entry I wrote in my diary earlier this year where I said, 

'...you cannot hold onto love, love is freedom. 

You need to feel, and be, free to truly love.'

So often we can become so frightened in love that we do the very opposite.
We try to hold on, we try to control and we break the very thing we love in order not to lose it.

 It also made me think of the lyrics from this Mumford and Sons song, 

'Sigh No More.' 

'Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be.'

Imagine clenching your fists really tightly as if you are holding onto something. 

How do you feel in your body? 

Now unclench your fists and turn your hands palm up and just let yourself feel

the difference of allowing yourself not only to let go, but to be open to receiving
and accepting whatever the world has to give you.

Brilliant Rumi quote.

I love this quote...

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
— Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi

Pick your sh*t

A great piece of advice from a friend's father went something like this:

Don't pick the guy you like, pick the one whose faults you can cope with and handle because that is what you will have to put up with and deal with.

The things you like about that person will become irrelevant over time and less important than how you build your relationship with another flawed human being.

So basically, pick your sh*t. That's what you are going to have to clean up for the rest of your relationship together!

Busy week...

Sorry, I have a busy week and don't have time to post, I have been reading a couple of interesting posts though which I thought I'd share...

This article by Steve Pavlina, don't die with your music still in you is funny and inspiring. I love what he says about guarding dust, really breaks it down to the bare bones of what we are doing with our lives, literally!!

This one is by Dr Margaret Paul, who uses a technique called 'inner bonding' to heal emotional wounds from the past. Her article is about enmeshed parenting and really interesting because it is quite common, but not many people are fully conscious of it and the effect it has in their lives.

I also have a page on examiner.com and Ezine now. I'm likely to replicate articles from my blog to their site in their house style, so as long as you keep checking in, you'll pick up my work here first.

Have a great week!! xx

You are the host to your life...

Dr Brenda Shoshanna in her book Fearless: The 7 Principles of Peace of Mind talks about her observations of a Japanese Tea ceremony and the high attention to detail paid between the host and guest.

In the ceremony she recognises how respectful, appreciative and thankful the relationship is between the host and the guest.

The Host...

The host's job is to take care of the guest, pay attention to them, show appreciation of their presence, to give and to offer their generosity.

The Guest...

The guest's job is to receive the kindness of host, show their appreciation and reciprocate the respect extended to them by the host.

We are hosts to our own lives...

She looks at this host-guest relationship and extends it to a metaphor of us being as a host, and everything we feel and experience as the guest.

We are the hosts to our own lives. The host is the body that remains, the guests come to visit for a period of time, but then leave again.

I really love this idea, because I think it is so empowering and really gives you back a sense of control and peace with the world and the way things are.

You are in control...

When you look at life in this way, where you are the host and everything else is just passing through, you are the one in control.

You are not at the mercy of the world and being blown around by life like a leaf in the wind.

Different moments will come to you as your guests which you experience and attend to and then they leave and you let them go.

All guests will leave...

These guests could be different relationships, feelings of pain, sadness, fear and loss, or joy, happiness, excitement, love.

All these guests will come into our lives to visit us and then once again leave when we have spent enough time with them to accept what they are bringing us.

In Brenda Shoshanna's book she talks about a Zen saying which goes like this,

'When they come, we welcome,

when they go, we do not pursue.'

What a great expression! It gives us complete freedom to accept and ironically release our compulsion or need to control.
   
Nothing lasts forever...

Life is always in a state of change and flow, everything is transient and impermanent, coming and going, nothing lasts forever.

However, just as we cannot hold onto the good times forever, the bad times are also temporary and will change and pass on too.

Change is not loss or failure, it's life...

How do we experience change? If we can allow change, expect it, not fight it and in fact enjoy it, our journey will be a lot less painful and difficult. 

The art of loving and relationships is all about accepting change.

Fear of loss and change in relationships is a big issue for a lot of people and prevents them from allowing things to progress on in the way they are meant to.

Don't treat pain as an intruder... 

When we experience difficult feelings, don't try to fight them and push them away.

We may not like what they are bringing us, but it may be something we need to hear or learn.

Do not treat them as intruders, invite them in as a valued visitor who has something to offer and share with us through their presence.

What is pain trying to tell us?

Spend time with them and give them your attention. Find out what they are here to bring to you, what message they have to give us, what their purpose is in our lives?

The more we try to ignore what they are here to tell us, the longer they will stay and the louder they will shout and the more it will hurt till we listen to them.

Stay with the feeling, don't run away from it...

People often try to escape feelings of fear and loneliness by getting into relationships or using addictions to numb out the pain.

However difficult it is, try to remain in the moment with these feelings and just accept them and allow yourself to feel them completely without resistance and you will find they will just go.

This process will clear out and release all the trapped painful emotions in your body and mind system and clarity will come to you.

Emotions can mutate...

It is very important to release painful emotions and feelings from your body, because if they are repressed for too long they can mutate into physical problems that are much more difficult to treat.

Chinese acupuncturists will tell you that anger is stored in the liver, fear and anxiety in the kidneys, sorrow in the lungs, rumination in the spleen and excessive joy in the heart.

I didn't know this as a child, but only in retrospect did I realise that my father was chronically angry and because he was unable to express and release these feelings he ended up with liver cancer and passed away at the age of 55 having never touched a drop of alcohol a day in his life.

The host is powerful...

When we think of a host, perhaps we think of a subservient role, but in fact the host has a lot of power and is able to provide structure and direction to the guest.

There will always be some guests we like, enjoy and appreciate more than others, however, it is important to acknowledge the value of every experience they bring, for these are gifts that enable us to keep growing and learning more about ourselves everyday.

Be a doormat, it will opens doors for you...

Here is a simple piece of common sense advice that will serve you well in your life, saving you years of headaches, heartaches and conflict!

Be a doormat...

Yes, I said it. Be a doormat.

By that I don't literally mean have no self respect or self worth, lay down and let people walk all over you.

What I mean is, when your partner asks you for something and it is within your means to do so, give it to them.

Give people what they want.
 
Justin Sterling from the Sterling Institute of Relationships says this, 

'Give your partner what they want,

when they want it, no more, no less.'

This advice goes for friends and family as well as romantic relationships.

When people ask you for something it's usually because they genuinely want and/or need it, they are not asking to be difficult or controlling, or to test you.

If you are in a healthy, committed relationship with someone you respect and trust, who you know is a good person with good intentions, they won't be trying to be unreasonable, or asking you for something that is unreasonable.

If it's not a big deal, don't make it a big deal...

Perhaps it's that they ask you to not be late to an event that is important to them, or to call them before a certain time at night, or to let them know what you are doing in the week so that you can make plans.

If it is not that big of a deal to you, but it means a lot to them, give them what they want, when they want it. No more, no less. No questions asked.

The no more, no less thing is important, here's why.

Don't give less...

Don't give less than what is asked for, this is crucial.

They will feel like you are being calculating and spiteful and only giving in to them begrudgingly.

Not only will it make them UNhappy, it will annoy them even more than if you didn't give them what they wanted at all.

Don't give more...

And don't give more than what is asked for either.

When you give too much, you are giving away your self worth and they will not respect you for it.

They may feel overwhelmed and smothered and get the sense that you are trying too hard and are too needy, insecure and dependent.

They may end up really treating you like a doormat and taking you for granted.

What do I get out of it?

Ok, ok, I hear you saying, are you crazy? What are you talking about?!!

Why should I?!!

What do I get out of it?!!

I can't just give them whatever they want, whenever they want it, they will think I'm a pushover!!!

...But will they? Really? 

If this is someone you are in a loving connected relationship with, do you think that when you do what they ask you to, and give them what they ask you to give, they are secretly laughing at you behind your back saying, hahaha! That such and such is a major loser, they just do whatever I say!

Or do you think that they will be genuinely touched at your responsiveness to what they have asked you for and your co-operation with their request?

Do you think perhaps it is more likely they will say to themself, wow this person is truly amazing and really does care about me...?

People respond to you, the way you respond to them...

When you give someone what they ask for they will be happy. They will feel heard, respected, appreciated, connected, loved, grateful and satisfied.

And...

This is the bit in answer to your question of what do I get?

...You get the same in return! 

They will feel so loved and special to you, that they will want to give the same back to you...

When you want it.

How you want it.

And with a cherry on top!

Being a 'doormat' will open all kinds of doors to you, as your partner will recognise your sensitivity and responsiveness to them and want to give you everything in return.

Final word of warning...

Two points here to consider:

1) Giving your partner what they want should not be too hard. If this is someone you respect and care for, giving them what they ask for should be something that helps to promote more connectedness and trust between you.

If you have tried to work on this together and it is too hard, it may be that you are just not compatible.

2) If you are with someone who you are already giving everything they ask for, when they ask for it, and it still never seems to be enough, there may be some deeper issues at the core of this for them.

Perhaps they have some unresolved emotional trauma in their past they need to take a look at for themself in therapy rather than draining you of your resources.

It is not your responsibility to make another person happy, as this is more like an unhealthy co-dependent relationship where neither of you is really happy and free.

It ain't what's good that counts...

What makes a relationship successful?

It depends what you mean by success, but when I look at the most successful relationships around me, I observe a very important factor in common with all of these couples. 

They often don't have the most dynamic, exciting, breath taking relationships.

They probably wouldn't make very good movies.

But they are easy, comfortable, stable and pleasant to be around.

There is very little unneccessary drama.

I quantify the success of a relationship here as being a satisfying and secure relationship that has sustained throughout time.

It doesn't matter how much you like someone...

The thing is it's not about how good it is when it is good.

Or how much you like, fancy, admire or adore each other.

These are the things that make the tough times worth it of course, but these can also be the things that make it so difficult to see the reality of the situation you are in.

When it's good it's great, no problem...

It doesn't matter how much you like someone, or how great it is when it's good...because when it's good between you, that's great, there is no problem, there is nothing to be concerned about.

However, that's not going to be what gets you through.
 
It is inevitable that there will be bad times in and amongst all these good times and that is what will really show what you are made of.

It's about what's good when it's bad...

It's not about what's good when it's good, that's never an issue. What is actually most important is how good you are together when its bad, that is really going to get you through.

Highs and lows...

If your relationship is like a huge pendulum swinging from massive highs to crashing lows, it's likely you are caught in one of these situations where the good is so amazing that you want to stay and fight for it in spite of how terrible it is when you are low.

However the highs are usually so high, because they are coupled with devastating lows and over time this is going to wear out even the most committed romantics.

The best love stories won't make it to Hollywood...

How you manage your bad times, crises and lows will be the best indicator of the long term success of your relationship.

The best love stories won't make it to Hollywood, because they will be mostly low drama, efficient, co-operative and quick when it comes to dealing with conflict and generally all round pretty stable affairs.

Drama comes from the ego...

It's always been my opinion that the truest romance and most authentic love emerges within these stable, safe conditions of a relationship anyway.

All the rest of the drama is just superficial and ego led and usually you will find is just a flowers and chocolates disguised attempt to avoid real commitment.

Love comes from the heart...

The ego likes to throw out drama to get a reaction, to feel powerful, to create excitement.

True love comes from the heart.

If you both come to each other from your hearts and not your egos, the good will be good and the bad will be good, because this is real love.

And love is going to be what really gets you through in the end.

Vulnerability

I'm loving this song right now by Marina And The Diamonds...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_oMD6-6q5Y&feature=player_embedded

It's so ironic that we are taught to be strong and invulnerable to survive in society, yet it is our very vulnerability that makes us so beautiful and loveable. 

If we don't let people in to see our vulnerability, we don't let them in to love us. 

We think we are doing this to survive, but it's counter-intuitive because we need love to survive. What a catch 22!

This song really resonates for me, I've got it on repeat : )


I Am Not A Robot

You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop.

What's your pay off?

If you are stuck in a place of pain, I want to ask you, why are you choosing to stay here? 

We choose suffering... 

We all make choices, whether consciously or not, and being in pain and suffering is one of them.

I have a client whose partner ended their relationship a year ago. He was unable to move on and was in a lot of pain asking what he did wrong and how he could have made the relationship work.

After seeing him for 6 weeks and exploring these questions together, I finally asked what his pay off was for staying in this place. He was shocked, he said he didn't realise he was making a decision to stay here in so much pain.

What is your pay off?

When we looked at what his pay off was, he realised even though he was hurting so badly, it meant that he could hold onto this relationship with his ex.

Moving on and letting go of the pain really meant letting go of her and the relationship, and he didn't want to do that because he wasn't ready to.

And that's ok, sometimes it takes us a while to feel ready to let go and grieve something that was and perhaps still is really precious and meaningful to us. What is important is recognising that this is what we are doing and that we have a choice to also work on letting go.

When I suggested writing to her or trying to talk to her, he also didn't feel he could do it. Again because taking this step meant facing the possible reality that it was really over if she rejected him again and this was what he was trying to avoid.

Consciousness is a ticket out of depression...

I think looking at the pay off is useful because if we recognise this is what we are choosing, we have consciousness of what we are doing.

From this place we can make more conscious decisions about what we want to do to move forward or indeed even stay where we are till we feel ready.

Pain feels much more scary, overwhelming and out of control when we don't realise that we are choosing this. Knowing we can let it go when we are ready can be a huge relief and a ticket out of depression...

We can choose to stay in a place of pain, but in the same way it's also up to us when we choose to let go of the pain and open ourselves up to new opportunities and possibilities for the future.

What are you avoiding?

If you are in a painful place today, ask yourself, what is your pay off for staying here? What are you avoiding having to face and deal with?

Perhaps on the converse you are in a relationship that is not quite right for you, but you are choosing to stay and be unhappy because you are afraid to be alone.

Another client I had was separated from her husband, but was still trying to make the relationship work by doing everything that he demanded including coming to therapy on her own.

Why would you choose powerlessness?

When I asked if she was able to talk to him directly about what he wanted, why he was so angry, how she could help him, what he needed, if he still really wanted a divorce, or if he wanted to try and make it work, she said she couldn't do it.

I asked her why she was choosing to stay in such a powerless position? What was her pay off for being in a relationship where she had no voice?

When we looked at this together, she realised she couldn't ask these questions because it meant having to confront the possibility that the relationship was over and she wasn't ready to face that, so she was just going to stay in this place as long as possible and soldier on.

What is your position?

I'm not saying it's easy to get over the endings of relationships and that you should just deal with it, 'choose' to be happy and move on. Or indeed even that you should just accept it is over if that is not what you want.

The real question I'm asking you is what position are you taking and why? Are you staying in a position of pain, powerlessness, unhappiness? Why? What is your pay off?

The clients I talked about above, were both in positions of painful, powerless, limbo really where they were not able to take any action to move towards any outcome for fear of what that might mean.

What do you choose?

In looking at the position they were 'choosing' to take, they are now able to empower themselves to once again make conscious choices about what they want to do either way, rather than feel stuck in a place of sadness and despair.

Be aware that we make choices all the time and as much as you choose pain, you can also choose happiness, freedom and inner peace.

Dating in your 30s...

Dating in your 20s and 30s, particularly for women, is a totally different ball game. Namely, women have a biological imperative that is a reality if children are on the cards.

Fearful facts...
 
Research tells us that a woman's fertility rate drops by 50% by the age of 35 and the older you are, the more difficult a pregnancy you are likely to experience.

Faced with all these frightening facts, it's difficult not to get caught up in the hysteria that begins to become attached to dating.

Every man is a potential father of your children, sperm donor, heathy dna match...!!! Poor guy! Hardly a turn on, or precursor to romance is it?

Dating in your 20s...

Dating in your 20s is all about freedom, experimentation, hedonism, living in the moment, drama and angst, romance and idealism, fun and inconsequence...hope essentially. Hope for the Hollywood dream and everything you ever wanted as a little girl reading fairy tales.

Dating in your 30s...

Dating in your 30s is a much more pragmatic affair. Forget about the dream, it hasn't happened and we don't have time to mess about anymore.

Does he have a steady income and a clean CRB check? Does he want children? Does he want marriage? Yes to the above, fine, let's get on with it.

I'm not saying all 30 something women want these things in a man. Indeed, marriage and children might not be something that appeals to you, but there's no denying that it is a societal life stage that kicks in around this decade of our lives.

Ready to settle down, not ready to settle...

Just because you may have reached an age where you are anxious to settle down, it may not be wise to settle for someone you are fundamentally incompatible with.

The problems will all surface over time and if your partner is not a good match for you, the reality of it is that you will have your children together and struggle, which will not be a healthy happy environment for anybody.

Then your children will grow up and leave home and you will be left with a sperm donor you really have not much in common with! Perhaps that's too cynical a viewpoint, but essentially I'm saying choose someone for who they are, because that is what you are really signing up for.

Step away from womb watch and baby brain madness!!

In and amongst the madness of societal pressure and biological urgency, I would encourage you to consider the importance of the decision you are making for your future.

Try to step away from the pressure of womb watching and baby brain and remember you are choosing a life partner, not just someone to randomly procreate with.

Find an authentic connection...

It's going to be a tough job raising a family and the person you choose to do this with will make all the difference in how hard or easy this is.

How well you are able to communicate, support each other and work together is really important, as this is what you will need to get through the really difficult times.

Start from a place of authentic connection and work your way towards where you would like to go from there.

Don't settle...

Just because you are ready to settle down doesn't mean you should settle for someone who is not able to meet your emotional needs.

Wait for the right person for you because when he comes along, you will be in alignment and it will all happen quickly and organically from there.

Q & A - Sexual tension.

Hi Priscilla,

I have a question……how do you pour cold water over the situation when the tension is just too strong? 

 Meeting with the guy I'm seeing for our third date tomorrow before he goes away on Thursday for two weeks. But even on the bbm its lots of innuendos and suggestions. We match in that sense…LOL. We are so hot for each other, but I don't want to go so fast or sleep with him too soon and get attached.

Also any ideas for where to go on the date? Ahaaaa perhaps theatre show or bowling? What do you think?

Yours, 

Excited.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Excited.

Thank you for your email.

I suggest you let him decide on where to go on your date. You are the one he is trying to convince and woo remember, so don't be so 'nice' and 'considerate' at this stage. Plenty of time to be nice to your husband later : )

Secondly, you can't pretend the sexual tension is not there, so just acknowledge it.

Feel what you feel, accept that is how you feel and say it out loud to him so it is not an unspoken tension/conflict anymore. By doing this you regain control over what you want to do about it, instead of feeling controlled by your feelings.

So, when you feel it, or when you see him and the timing is right, make a joke, hahaha, we are like desperate to jump each other's bones, the sexual tension is ridiculous isn't it?!!

Then suddenly the power of this unspoken tension is released and what you want to do with this is all in your hands and not some kind of crazy, out of control, sexual madness between you. Plenty of time for that stuff when you are really ready and want to move things forward.
 

Because you are being authentic and honest about how you feel in a non-threatening fun way, he will respect you and be totally shocked by how comfortable you are with your feelings.

Try it : ) let me know how it goes!!

Priscilla.

x

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wowzers! Thanks so much!

You can really hit the nail on the head and empower!

Perfect solution. Will let you know the outcome...

Yours,
Excited.

Ashley Cole, what were you thinking??!

Did you see the Cheryl Cole interview by Piers Morgan? It was heartbreaking...

We all need a rock...

I'm not talking about a diamond, although it is symbollic of what I mean. Cheryl talked about Ashley being her rock and her best friend, in and amongst all the madness, he was the one stable, calm influence in her life she could count on...and then suddenly he wasn't, and she couldn't.

When everything else in this world is crazy, unpredictable and uncertain, the one thing that keeps us sane is knowing that our partner is going to be there for us. That they are the one person that we can trust and rely on to support and care for us when we need them to.

So when you find out they have betrayed you, all that certainty is taken away from us and it shatters our belief in the safety and security we had with that person.

In terms of attachment theory we think of this person as being our 'safe haven' or 'secure base' from which we can go out into the world and explore, knowing that we have this place to return to.

Why did he do it?

Cheryl wept as she said to this day she still doesn't know what went wrong, they were so happy.

Who possibly could know the whats whys and hows except for Ashley himself? Cheryl says he never wanted the marriage to end, so perhaps even he doesn't know why he betrayed her in that way.

Helping couples recover from an affair is a common presenting problem in therapy, but is rarely the main issue. In my experience, affairs are often symptomatic of a deeper dilemma in the relationship.

But there doesn't have to be a problem...

In this case however, it's my suspicion that sometimes there doesn't have to be a problem in the relationship for a man to cheat.

This was not a case of Ashley having an emotional affair in order to get some unmet needs met. It was about pushing the boundaries, forbidden desire, excitement, titillation, sex.

Look at Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Vernon Kay, Ashley Cole, they had it all. The career, the public acclaim, the perfect wife. What more could they want? The thing is, sometimes it's just that everything CAN be too perfect.

How ironic is that? When there are issues he has affairs, and when it's too perfect he needs a bit of danger and imperfection so he cheats!

There's always more!

In this world, there's always more isn't there? A bigger game, a better title, a greater achievement, a more successful success, a younger more beautiful woman, a higher high, a more perfect perfection.

Because biologically men are programmed differently to woman, I think there doesn't always need to be a problem for them to look outside the marriage for something.

Men cheat because they CAN...

When you are a successful man, there will always be women interested in you and as long as that lasts, it feels good. Simply put, I think sometimes men cheat just because they CAN. And it's a personal choice to each individual man what he chooses to do with this choice.  

And affairs and cheating don't always have to mean the end of a relationship. They can be worked through to reach an even stronger more honest and connected relationship than before.

However, these kind of betrayals have long reaching pervasive consequences on a relationship that can sometimes haunt you forever.

We have choices...

We all have choices and if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who chooses to cheat, it's then as much your choice to choose to stay in the relationship with someone who is choosing to cheat and what that means to you.

Some people are just not able to be sexually monogomous. This doesn't mean they can't be emotionally monogomous and perhaps that is ok with you. Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett have an open relationship in that they will tell each other if they want to sleep with other people.

Betrayal is rarely about the sex itself, it's about the lying and dishonesty, so Will and Jada have come to an arrangement that works for them and does not threaten the security of their relationship.

Men who cheat, will repeat...

Sadly men who cheat, tend to repeat, so if we think about attachment theory and the importance of having that security with our attachment figure in order to be able to go out into the world and be our best selves, it is worth considering what choices we make for the sake of our hearts...

Great post on how babies change your relationships...

http://uk.specials.lifestyle.yahoo.com/mazda-mums/articles/article/how-babies-change-your-relationship

Why are you shouting at me?!

Why do people shout?
Some people just shout, that's what they do.
And some people shout because they are angry.

Why are they angry? 
Because they are frustrated.

Why are they frustrated? 
Because they don't feel heard.

I was thinking about an 11 year old girl today who is very precocious and shouts all the time. Seriously she doesn't talk, she shouts everything and it is very annoying to a lot of people.

But when I actually talk to her, she doesn't shout, she is actually quite reserved and bashful and a bit quiet in fact. I wondered why and realised, it's because she doesn't feel heard in her life.

When I listened to her and paid attention to what she was saying and asked her questions, she didn't need to shout or be precocious or difficult. She was actually very charming and cute and engaging to talk to.

I realised this shouting behaviour is not just limited to children, who are extremely powerless and voiceless in society, but also adults.

Why do we shout in relationships? 

What happens when we shout? Does the other person listen? Or do they shout louder so they can be heard over your shouting?

Eventually no-one is listening and no-one feels heard and so we shout louder and louder till there is just chaos.

Sometimes it can be good to have a blow out and get everything out of your system, but if this is generally the way you have learnt to communicate with each other on a daily basis, it may be worth looking at why you are shouting so much and perhaps taking a moment to listen and see what happens to the dynamic between you...

Communication is NOT the most important thing in a relationship...

The popular belief is that the most important thing in a relationship is communication...it's not. 

The MOST important thing in a relationship is actually connection.

It is having a strong connection that will make you want to communicate with each other and will make communicating more authentic, honest and satisfying.

Communication is the second most important thing, but we are still only communicating in order to make a connection.

When you are connected and united in your quest for a successful relationship, everything, including your communication will flow from this place easily and painlessly.

The tendency we have when things are difficult in our relationships is to want to focus on the problem and communicate communicate communicate, but it is actually much more difficult to communicate effectively when you are not connected and working together for the good of the relationship.

The difficulty and the disconnection goes hand in hand, we are often angry because we feel disconnected and therefore threatened by it. However at this point you are usually both fighting your corners and trying to prove why you are right and the other person is wrong.

This kind of communication really only serves to disconnect you even more and compound the problem as you become polarised in your positions.

If you are trying to communicate your distress the disconnection is causing you by essentially blaming the other person, it will not repair the connection, instead it will push them away.

People generally don't respond well to been stood in the firing line and attacked. Think about what it is you are upset about and then how to get to what it is that you want.

Couples who experience a ratio of 5 good interactions to 1 bad interaction, or around 80% of the time your relationship is great and 20% it's challenging, will have a greater chance of staying together.

 Look at your ratio, if you have dipped below the 80% or you are having more than 1 in 5 difficult interactions try to turn your attention to bringing up your ratio to having more good interactions.

Bring the fun and goodwill back into your relationship, move the focus from the bad stuff, to reconnecting and bringing up the ratio of good to bad interactions so you can be in a connected place to try and look at the problem together.

You need a good will account to get you through the rough times and crisis points, so keep working on paying into this so your balance is in credit.

No-one wants to put the work and effort into something that isn't worth it and the hard times are only worth fighting through, because the good times are so fun, and amazing, and plenty, and frequent in between.

Context Context Context

There is no meaning without context. Everything is contextual.

So often we forget this, yet it is so important to look at things within their context.

Social Constructionists are all about context and language shaping our meanings.

Whatever is happening in your relationship that is difficult and affecting you, is not existing in a vacuum.

What is going on in the wider context of your relationship? Has this problem always affected your relationship, or is there something else going on? What has changed in your lives since the problem began?

How has the recession affected one or both of you? How have things changed since the birth of a child? Are your children about to leave home? How do you feel about turning 30, or 40, or 50? Or how do you feel as you are about to retire? Is there something going on at your partner's work that is stressing them out?

Everything is always in context of something else. Find out what the context of the issue is before attaching a meaning to it and reacting to that. You will always be able to understand a problem better, the more information you have, start with the context and you are halfway there.

Predicting Relationship Success

In my previous post on Predicting Relationship Failure, I talked about the research findings Dr John Gottman found in the breakdown of relationhips.

In this post, I will be looking at the other end of the research. The 4 predictors of a healthy, happy relationship!

1) Repair Techniques
When you are in conflict and things get too intense it's often impossible to be rational and work things out. When couples find themself in this place but are still able to laugh at themselves and each other, thank each other for sharing their feelings, show respect for each other, take a break, call a time out, have a hug, go for a walk or say they will talk again about it the next day. These are repair techniques that disrupt the conflict from escalating and if the other person is also able to accept the repair techniques and co-operate in restoring the equilibrium then there's definitely hope.

2) Remind them you care about them 
When couples are in conflict it can be hard to see that on the other side of their pain is someone they care about. If a couple are able to still let each other know they care about each other through conflict and difficult times they are on a good path. There is a lot of power is saying 'sorry' and it's not your intention to upset them and that you really care about them because that is what they most need to hear at that time.

3) Responsiveness
A couple who check in with each other, read each other's expressions and body language, ask each other how they are feeling, are playful with each other, are always interacting, talking and listening, engaging and paying attention to each other, taking note of things the other one says and either adding to it or supporting and encouraging them, if partners are responsive to each other this is real romance in action. Responding to each other in a million different ways shows your partner, 'I'm thinking of you', 'you matter to me', 'I'm interested in you'. It is tangible and you can really feel the love between 2 people who have this dynamic between them.

4) Being friends 
Gottman's research found in a survey of divorced men and women that equally 70% of the men and 70% of the women said it was because the friendship died. If a couple have a strong friendship underpinning their relationship they have really great grounds for success. In times of crises, if a couple can look at their partner's needs and where they are in their lives and help their partner the way they would help advise a friend, despite their role and expectations of that role in their life, they are truly practising altruism and authentic love. This is the best kind of relationship.

Predicting Relationship Failure

Award winning research scientist, therapist and author  Dr John Gottman has been studying couples' relationships for over 35 years and is now able to determine with 91% accuracy whether or not a couple will still be together in 5 years by simply watching them have a 15 minute conversation about a conflict.

He highlights 4 behaviours which amount to failure of the relationship and calls these, 'The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of Marriage'!

What you will find is that these behaviours cause problems in all relationships, not just our romantic relationships, but also with our friends, family, work colleagues and everyone we meet. So it's worth taking these on board and having a behaviour check with yourself to see whether or not you do these things and how they are working for you in your relationships.


1) Being defensive
When someone is trying to share with you how they are affected by your behaviour, or talk to you about the dynamic of your relationship, being defensive is a rejection of their feelings and tells them they are wrong and their feelings are wrong.

Even if in your opinion the person is being irrational and illogical, that is how they feel and by telling them they are wrong or arguing with them about why they should not feel that way, we are not listening or showing respect for their feelings.

We all have difficult irrational feelings from time to time and this can make us feel very vulnerable to start with, so when your partner deflects your feelings it is even more painful and means we don't feel heard, accepted or even loved.

If you feel yourself becoming defensive, try to step back from the issue and be genuinely curious. Ask your partner why they are upset and be empathic and solution focused. This is not being a doormat or letting them have control over you, it is being kind and supportive and a good friend.

2) Criticising
Complaining is valid, but criticising is hurtful and destroys good will between you. No-one likes to be told they are wrong or bad, but if you have a genuine issue with something your partner did, or didn't do, as the case may be, you do have a right to bring this up and complain about it.

However  stay with the point and don't use words like, 'always' and 'never', you know what I mean, 'you never call when you say you are going to' or 'you are always late to meet me.' Is that sentence strictly true, or is it more like sometimes, or often?

Making sweeping statements is demoralising and offensive to the other person, perhaps they are just doing the best they can. Recognise the times that they have got it right and acknowledge those, then tell them why you were hurt or upset by the situation you are complaining about. Whatever the situation was, stick to what happened in that situation and don't make this into a character assasination.

3) Stonewalling
This is when you ignore and shut down to your partner. This is very painful for your partner because they are unable to get through to you and can make them feel that you don't care or you're not interested in how they feel.

The Gottman research found that 85% of people who do this are men and suggest that this is because physiologically men become more aroused than women during a conflict and shut down in order to cope with the flood of fight or flight hormones released in their bodies.

Letting your partner know this is what you need to do shows respect for their feelings and needs. Tell them you will be able to talk to them about this when you are calm and have had a bit of time and space to sort yourself out rather than just shutting them out without any indication as to what you are doing.

4) Treating each other with contempt
This is the worst behaviour of all and shows a basic lack of respect for your partner. Being condescending, sarcastic, name calling, telling them to shut up, rolling your eyes, making faces, sighing, looking away, shaking your head, preaching, teaching, patronising. I don't think I need to say too much more on this one.


* Next time... I will be looking at the 4 predictors of relationship success.

Cuddle Seats

How cute are the new cuddle seats launched by Air New Zealand?!

Flying for a lot of people can be a very anxiety provoking experience, so being able to cuddle up with your loved one and have an actual comfortable sleep on a long haul flight is a great idea!

Online Dating Tips

As promised in my previous post on online dating here are my tips...

1) Keep your email interactions short and snappy.
 The aim of online dating is not to be communicating with each other online forever, but to get out on a date and see how you get on. Anyone can be charming, funny, exciting online, you need to meet them to see how they translate in real life and see if there is any chemistry between you and an authentic connection. You will usually have a good idea within the first few minutes if there is any long term potential.

2) Keep phone calls short and snappy.
If you exchange numbers and decide to have a conversation on the phone before meeting, or perhaps to arrange your meeting, keep this brief and to the point. You may find you get along very well on the phone, but when you meet up you find there is nothing between you but now feel obliged to maintain the facade of getting along very well in person.

3) Keep first dates short and snappy.
The best idea for a first date would be an afternoon coffee or an after work drink. That way you are not tied into sitting through a whole dinner or theatre show with someone you feel absolutely no spark with. If you do get along and want to see each other again, that will be apparent and you can take it from there.

4) Go on a second date if you are not sure after the first date.
But don't go on a third date if you are still not sure after the second date. You can only flog a dead horse for so long, as they say. If there's nothing there, there's nothing there, let it go and move on.

5) Don't kiss on your first date if you intend to muti-date.
If you want to date a few different people at the same time before you decide who you are going to commit to, getting into the physical side of things too quickly can be confusing. Save your kisses for at least your second or third dates, or when the moment feels right between you.

6) Definitely don't sleep with someone till you are sure about them.  
We are designed to feel attachment and want to bond to people we have sex with, so bear that in mind. Your body can make you believe you are in love with someone, when you don't even know them yet. Also have consideration for the people you are dating and their feelings.

7) Don't fixate.
The great thing about online dating is the opportunity it gives you to multi-date; in that way providing you with options so you don't fixate on any one person. If you had a great date and there were promises made to call the next day and no phone call comes, you have a choice of other people to talk to, or arrange to meet up with. Don't be crushed by this 'no show', your potential partner could be busy or a slow burner and may take a few days or weeks before calling again. After one date it's still early days, so relax and give things the space to become what they will be.

8) Honesty is the best policy.
It may not be easy to reject people, but if you really don't feel anything or see a future with someone, don't keep them hanging on for another date with you. Setting them free to find someone who will look at them and feel about them the way you want to be able to feel and see someone is the biggest favour you can do for them. It may not feel good in the short term for either of you, but at least you are not wasting anyone else's time and you both know where you stand.

9) Have fun.
Dating should be fun and freeing so don't take it too seriously and just enjoy it. This is your time to go out and date lots of different people who you might not normally get the chance to meet. Even if you don't fall head over heels in love with the man of your dreams, remember it's the journey not the destination. You could still end up having a lot of fun and making some really good friends!

10) Keep the faith.
Don't give up hope if you have a bad date, or even a string of bad dates. It's a game of numbers, just keep getting yourself out there and remain open to opportunity, you never know what your next date holds in store for you.

Love is an action.

'We are never so defenceless against suffering as when we love.'
- Sigmund Freud

What an old romantic!

He is right though, love is both a source of pleasure and a source of pain...it is our job to somehow manage this between us in our relationships so we can learn to understand and support each other.

Love is much more than a feeling, it is an action, a verb, a commitment. It is something you give away, rather than something you take or get from someone else. Make your love the best you can possibly make it.

Monday morning blues...

'Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.'

~Leo Buscaglia

Yes mondays suck. Smile at people today, do stuff you don't need to do to help someone else out.

I can't change the world
Cos tryin' to make a difference makes things worse
It's just an observation I can't ignore
That people should smile more

-Newton Faulkner

Stressed Ouch!

Did you know...according to the Franklin Institute webpage on stress 'the term "stress" is short for distress, a word evolved from Latin that means "to draw or pull apart." The Romans even used the term districtia to describe "a being torn asunder." '

Wikipedia also suggests, 'It is a form of the Middle English destresse, derived via Old French from the Latin stringere, to draw tight.'

Isn't interesting that when we use the word 'stress' so loosely, actually we are describing being pulled tight or pulled apart, that is such a powerful image.

To think that emotionally, spiritually, however you want to think of it, this is what is happening to us when we are stressed. Imagine if this was physically visible, how scary it would be to see that happening to our bodies, yet that is the result of extended periods of stress.

It is really important to make time to de-stress, relax and reconnect with ourselves. That expression, 'unwind' seems really appropriate and relevant when we think of stress as a visual image of being pulled all out of shape, twisted and torn apart. Ouch! I think I'm going to do an hour of yoga now!

Why is it so dark?

Bastian: Why is it so dark?

Empress Moonchild: In the beginning it is always dark.

- From 'The NeverEnding Story'

I opened the door today and there were large yellow leaves on my doorstep. As the seasons change, it begins to get darker earlier, the heating is on and I have started wearing my winter scarves and boots again.

SAD or seasonal affective disorder can affect up to 10% of people and I certainly fall into this percentage. I just wanted to share one of my viewpoints on depression, as I don't believe it is always a bad thing to be afraid of.

It is a societal discourse that we 'should' spend our weekends going out and partying and being very sociable and active. As much as I do like to go out with my friends and have a good dance, I have actually really enjoyed my weekend spending lots of time in bed watching movies, eating chocolate, listening to music, writing, thinking, cleaning my room and generally catching up with myself.

We are taught by society to put on a happy face, to answer the question, 'how are you?' with the standard reply of, 'good thanks' and depression is generally given to us as a diagnosis of something being wrong.

Sometimes, depression can come as a way to make us take a break from trying so hard and being so busy with our lives. By virtue of the way it affects our bodies, we are forced to slow down, even stop and take care of ourselves for a bit.

Personally the darkest times in my life have preceeded really great new beginnings. These times of darkness or depression were neccessary for me to take the time to heal, learn and grow. There was no way I would have been able to make these transitions without going through the times of solitude and introspection that I did.

An existential argument is that the opposite of happiness is not sadness...it is boredom. As the opposite of love is not hate, but disinterest. Both of these states sit at opposing ends of the same spectrum, they are two sides of the same coin.

With one comes the other. If we are to experience happiness, joy, elation, excitement, passion, bliss, we are also to experience sadness, darkness, loss, grief, darkness, depression and misery.

The worst thing I've found you can do is try to fight it, it only prolongs the process. It is ok to feel low and sad sometimes, try to give yourself permission to feel it and lots of time and treats to comfort yourself while you are in this place. Wait it out, accept it, recognise that it will not last forever.

After darkness always comes light, after winter always come spring, after sadness always comes healing and joy as you find yourself again. Love each other and yourselves through it all.


NB. If you are seriously struggling with symptoms of depression it is important to see your Doctor for professional advice.

Walk and Talk

Had some lovely advice today from a good friend who is also a counsellor, acupuncturist and trainee midwife. She said when she has to have one of those difficult 'talks' with her partner she has learnt to go for a walk with him...

It is too easy to become overly emotional in the privacy of your home and it is better to be on neutral ground rather than at either one of your houses.

It can be distracting going for coffee as you may run into friends or people you know who will want to engage in conversation.

Restaurants can also be tricky as waiters come over and helpfully ask you whether you would like water, as is their job, however in the middle of a heated conversation this can be most unwelcome!

She suggested going for a walk in the woods. Being surrounded by nature is very soothing and you have space here to breathe and be together without any distractions of modern life.

Turn off your mobile phones and give yourselves a set amount of time, say around an hour, to hash out your issues together. Make your objective to be working towards a resolution rather than taking this as an opportunity to give each other a hard time.

Walking while you are dealing with emotional problems will also serve to release your pent up energy and give a focus to your body's fight or flight sensations that may be activated when certain buttons are pushed during your talk.

Finally, walking together doesn't have to be saved for only when you need to have difficult talks! It's also great to take walks with your partner to bond and spend time talking about good things too.

Walking together in parks, woodlands and countryside settings can help you both to reconnect with nature and each other, but with a sense of space and freedom that also works to rebalance your relationship too.