It's easy to get caught up in the dynamics of an argument or misunderstanding and find yourself trying to defend yourself and fight your corner, but there are ways to stop yourselves from being sucked into that downward spiral.
Try to step out of the cycle and take an observer perspective, rather than saying, 'no no no,' 'listen to me,' 'let me explain this to you,' stop yourself and be curious. Ask your partner, 'What is going on here?' 'What is this really about?' 'Why are you fighting with me?' 'Why are you so upset?'
Instead of trying to convince your partner they are wrong to be upset and 'these are the reasons why', ask questions, be curious, find out why they are upset and try to understand why they are behaving the way they are. That way the fight is disrupted, you are both forced to stop and examine what is really happening between you and look at what it is you are fighting about.
You may have experienced it for yourself, the more you try to defend yourself, explain, rationalise, reason, the more enraged and frustrated your partner becomes. Usually their response will be, 'you just don't get it do you?' Or 'it's not about that, you don't understand!'
'It's never about the polos is it? That has become a well used phrase of mine stemming from an argument I had with a boyfriend when I was in my early twenties. He had eaten some raw onions and I told him he had stinky breath so he went to buy some polos, but didn't tell me where he was going. I didn't know where he had gone and thought he had just left me because I told him he had bad breath. I felt very panicky and when he eventually came back we had a huge row about it.
The poor guy kept trying to explain he just went to buy polos, but I didn't want to hear about polos, it's not about the polos! I was upset because he had left me alone in the street and I didn't know where he had gone. It tapped into all those early childhood feelings of losing your mum or dad in a crowd and feeling scared, alone and abandoned.
Having studied attachment behaviour and worked with numerous couples who have experienced this similar fight, I now understand what our fight was about and that all I really needed from him was a hug and reassurance that he had not left me and was not going anywhere. Nine times out of ten that's all it takes to calm a situation and reconnect with your partner...genuine curiosity and a willingness to understand, then a big loving hug to make everything better.
Tuesday 28 September 2010
'Inter-dependence'
There is a middle ground when it comes to relationships...that is interdependence.
Wikipedia states, 'Interdependence recognizes the truth in each position and weaves them together. Two states that cooperate with each other are said to be interdependent.' I love that! Interdependence is not being so independent that you have no need for your partner, nor too dependent on your lover that you take no responsibility for yourself.
I think interdependence is a nice idea because it recognises that both partners need and respect each other. There is a balance between being there for one another which swings back and forth between the two of you. Sometimes you will need your partner, other times your partner will need you, but there is also a space for separateness and individuality where you both keep your sense of self and identity which is also just as important for long term relationship health.
Wikipedia states, 'Interdependence recognizes the truth in each position and weaves them together. Two states that cooperate with each other are said to be interdependent.' I love that! Interdependence is not being so independent that you have no need for your partner, nor too dependent on your lover that you take no responsibility for yourself.
I think interdependence is a nice idea because it recognises that both partners need and respect each other. There is a balance between being there for one another which swings back and forth between the two of you. Sometimes you will need your partner, other times your partner will need you, but there is also a space for separateness and individuality where you both keep your sense of self and identity which is also just as important for long term relationship health.
'The heart of wisdom is tolerance'
'They've had a long time to think...sometimes, that's all that's needed. The heart of wisdom is tolerance. I think.'
I think this quote by Steven Erikson is brilliant. One of the most important things I've learned during my time studying and working with relationships is the capacity for tolerance. If you don't know what to do, the best thing you can do is do nothing, wait and see what happens, see how you feel beyond the intensity of in the moment emotions.
Do something else to distract/entertain/comfort/soothe yourself while you figure it out - I would recommend yoga, meditation, hypnosis, art, music, writing, exercise, spending time with friends and family, rather than self destructive behaviours such as drinking, smoking, drugs, eating, self harm, promiscuity...
Being able to tolerate uncertainty, insecurity, jealousy, difference, distance, disagreement, closeness, intimacy, anger, disappointment, betrayal, fear, need, desire...the list goes on. All the emotions you will experience during the course of a relationship with a loved one and more. If we have a strong capacity to tolerate these feelings and maintain our intention to make a relationship work, we will experience a higher level of relationship success.
Learning not to act on our emotions and believe they are whatever reality our mind attaches to it, but to feel them and talk about them (when we feel able) is a massive skill that takes work and strength of character. Ultimately though, there is no phenomenally magic secret to a successful relationship other than two people wanting to be together. Relationships work because you make them work.
I think this quote by Steven Erikson is brilliant. One of the most important things I've learned during my time studying and working with relationships is the capacity for tolerance. If you don't know what to do, the best thing you can do is do nothing, wait and see what happens, see how you feel beyond the intensity of in the moment emotions.
Do something else to distract/entertain/comfort/soothe yourself while you figure it out - I would recommend yoga, meditation, hypnosis, art, music, writing, exercise, spending time with friends and family, rather than self destructive behaviours such as drinking, smoking, drugs, eating, self harm, promiscuity...
Being able to tolerate uncertainty, insecurity, jealousy, difference, distance, disagreement, closeness, intimacy, anger, disappointment, betrayal, fear, need, desire...the list goes on. All the emotions you will experience during the course of a relationship with a loved one and more. If we have a strong capacity to tolerate these feelings and maintain our intention to make a relationship work, we will experience a higher level of relationship success.
Learning not to act on our emotions and believe they are whatever reality our mind attaches to it, but to feel them and talk about them (when we feel able) is a massive skill that takes work and strength of character. Ultimately though, there is no phenomenally magic secret to a successful relationship other than two people wanting to be together. Relationships work because you make them work.
Monday 27 September 2010
Green eyed monster
Jealousy to a certain degree is healthy and normal in a close relationship. It shows our partner that we feel our attachment to them is being threatened and our feelings of jealousy are in response to that.
The problem is that if we don't recognise or allow ourselves to feel this and express it in an adult way we can actually create the very situation we are afraid of. So it goes like this, you are in a bar and see your lover talking to an attractive stranger and you feel suddenly jealous, insecure, possibly even angry, curious perhaps, but something shifts inside you and it unsettles you.
Do you storm over and grab a hold of your partner and say to the stranger, 'Excuse me who do you think you are talking to?' Before dragging your bemused lover away from the danger zone. Or do you storm out of the bar without saying a word and then send your partner a sarcastic text message like, 'Looks like you are having enough fun without me so enjoy the rest of your night.' And then refuse to pick up their phone calls. Or do you say nothing all night, seethe with rage inside and then later scream abuse at your partner and break up with them?
Or do you walk over smile and introduce yourself to the stranger politely and find out who they are, then later tell your partner when you are alone, 'Hey, you know when you were talking to that hot girl/guy I felt really jealous. I must really like you huh?! I want you all to myself!' This lets your partner know that you noted the threat to your relationship, but you are secure enough to trust them and tolerate this feeling of uncertainty. Your partner will most likely respond to you by offering reassurance and reaffirm the security you have in your relationship together.
If you have a propensity to do any of the previous options, you will well know that an incident such as the stranger in the bar, that lasted perhaps a few minutes could end up being drawn out to a few days of a seriously threatened attachment as your partner withdraws from your attacking behaviour.
There's nothing wrong with being jealous, indeed if you didn't feel jealous at all in your relationship there would be something wrong in that maybe you don't really care about this person or losing them. However, excessive jealousy can be very wearing on intimacy in a relationship. If you and your partner cannot trust each other at all and you feel you are constantly treading on eggshells then this may be something that you need to look at individually in yourselves.
The problem is that if we don't recognise or allow ourselves to feel this and express it in an adult way we can actually create the very situation we are afraid of. So it goes like this, you are in a bar and see your lover talking to an attractive stranger and you feel suddenly jealous, insecure, possibly even angry, curious perhaps, but something shifts inside you and it unsettles you.
Do you storm over and grab a hold of your partner and say to the stranger, 'Excuse me who do you think you are talking to?' Before dragging your bemused lover away from the danger zone. Or do you storm out of the bar without saying a word and then send your partner a sarcastic text message like, 'Looks like you are having enough fun without me so enjoy the rest of your night.' And then refuse to pick up their phone calls. Or do you say nothing all night, seethe with rage inside and then later scream abuse at your partner and break up with them?
Or do you walk over smile and introduce yourself to the stranger politely and find out who they are, then later tell your partner when you are alone, 'Hey, you know when you were talking to that hot girl/guy I felt really jealous. I must really like you huh?! I want you all to myself!' This lets your partner know that you noted the threat to your relationship, but you are secure enough to trust them and tolerate this feeling of uncertainty. Your partner will most likely respond to you by offering reassurance and reaffirm the security you have in your relationship together.
If you have a propensity to do any of the previous options, you will well know that an incident such as the stranger in the bar, that lasted perhaps a few minutes could end up being drawn out to a few days of a seriously threatened attachment as your partner withdraws from your attacking behaviour.
There's nothing wrong with being jealous, indeed if you didn't feel jealous at all in your relationship there would be something wrong in that maybe you don't really care about this person or losing them. However, excessive jealousy can be very wearing on intimacy in a relationship. If you and your partner cannot trust each other at all and you feel you are constantly treading on eggshells then this may be something that you need to look at individually in yourselves.
Wednesday 22 September 2010
Verbalise your feelings rather than acting them out...
Whatever it is that you tend to do when you feel threatened or emotional, try to recognise that and rather than actually doing it, express this in words.
For example, if you have a tendency to get very angry and break things or if you are the type to burst into tears and storm out, rather than actually doing that, see if you can catch a hold of yourself and tell your partner that is how you are feeling...
'I am starting to feel really angry and like I want to break something right now!'
'I feel really upset and like I am about to cry and walk out.'
Saying how you are feeling can be as powerful as actually doing it. You are communicating what is going on with you and how out of control you are feeling to your partner without actually allowing that emotion to take you over and add to the problem by scaring, upsetting or frustrating the other person further.
Learning how to control your emotions is not easy as this is an animal instinct that is aroused in reaction to stimuli, similar to the fight or flight survival response. However, we are now an evolved species and although we may still experience primitive feelings we can learn to control our behaviour.
Rather than escalate a difficult situation by acting on your emotions, you can learn to work with your own behavioural responses to make different choices that lead to better outcomes and a more empowered position in your life and relationships. Knowing you are able to handle your emotions during emotional situations makes these situations much less threatening when you do find yourself caught up in one.
Plus you will discover you will save a lot of money if you stop breaking things whenever you get upset!
For example, if you have a tendency to get very angry and break things or if you are the type to burst into tears and storm out, rather than actually doing that, see if you can catch a hold of yourself and tell your partner that is how you are feeling...
'I am starting to feel really angry and like I want to break something right now!'
'I feel really upset and like I am about to cry and walk out.'
Saying how you are feeling can be as powerful as actually doing it. You are communicating what is going on with you and how out of control you are feeling to your partner without actually allowing that emotion to take you over and add to the problem by scaring, upsetting or frustrating the other person further.
Learning how to control your emotions is not easy as this is an animal instinct that is aroused in reaction to stimuli, similar to the fight or flight survival response. However, we are now an evolved species and although we may still experience primitive feelings we can learn to control our behaviour.
Rather than escalate a difficult situation by acting on your emotions, you can learn to work with your own behavioural responses to make different choices that lead to better outcomes and a more empowered position in your life and relationships. Knowing you are able to handle your emotions during emotional situations makes these situations much less threatening when you do find yourself caught up in one.
Plus you will discover you will save a lot of money if you stop breaking things whenever you get upset!
Picture Messages
I have a really good friend who takes pictures of rainbows (whenever he sees one) on his phone and sends them to his girlfriend. I thought that was really lovely. Just sharing the sentiment...
Get over it.
On Wikipedia Closure 'refers to a conclusion to a traumatic event or experience in a person's life' and is defined in the Oxford Dictionary online as 'a feeling that an emotional or traumatic experience has been resolved'.
We talk about closure in pretty loose terms, but if we look at the above definitions of what we are dealing with, it is clear that sometimes 'getting over it' is not as easy to do as it is to say. We are getting over a trauma, an emotional experience which has affected us very deeply and trying to find a resolution to this.
The classic advice goes along the lines of...arrange to meet up with your ex, have a conversation, talk about why the relationship ended, acknowledge what was good about it, explore what didn't work, don't fight or argue, say goodbye amicably, let it go and move on with your life.
Or, if that is not an option because they are not open to it, write a letter to your ex saying everything you need to say then burn it. Or get therapy.
Of course all these are great suggestions and no doubt can help a great deal in the healing process, but I wonder if a conclusion or closure is ever really truly possible or neccessary...Could this need for closure be part of a more pervasive pattern in your life, which is the need for control? A need to know and an inability to tolerate uncertainty?
If you really love someone won't you always love them and have that connection with them? What can we do to prevent that from being true, to prevent the pain of that loss, to prevent missing the connection we found with that person?
As Alanis Morisette sings, 'The only way out is through' all we can do to heal is to feel our feelings, move through it and allow ourselves to have those memories, keep those lessons learnt, accept that love, life, happiness, sadness, pain, relationships are fluid and changeable. Let everything be as it is, accept that everything is ok, leave the door ajar, be open to the universe because you never know what is going to happen...
We talk about closure in pretty loose terms, but if we look at the above definitions of what we are dealing with, it is clear that sometimes 'getting over it' is not as easy to do as it is to say. We are getting over a trauma, an emotional experience which has affected us very deeply and trying to find a resolution to this.
The classic advice goes along the lines of...arrange to meet up with your ex, have a conversation, talk about why the relationship ended, acknowledge what was good about it, explore what didn't work, don't fight or argue, say goodbye amicably, let it go and move on with your life.
Or, if that is not an option because they are not open to it, write a letter to your ex saying everything you need to say then burn it. Or get therapy.
Of course all these are great suggestions and no doubt can help a great deal in the healing process, but I wonder if a conclusion or closure is ever really truly possible or neccessary...Could this need for closure be part of a more pervasive pattern in your life, which is the need for control? A need to know and an inability to tolerate uncertainty?
If you really love someone won't you always love them and have that connection with them? What can we do to prevent that from being true, to prevent the pain of that loss, to prevent missing the connection we found with that person?
As Alanis Morisette sings, 'The only way out is through' all we can do to heal is to feel our feelings, move through it and allow ourselves to have those memories, keep those lessons learnt, accept that love, life, happiness, sadness, pain, relationships are fluid and changeable. Let everything be as it is, accept that everything is ok, leave the door ajar, be open to the universe because you never know what is going to happen...
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Independence = Being Single??
There is huge evidence to suggest otherwise...
Attachment Theory or the 'theory of love' as proposed by John Bowlby suggests that we all need relationships in order to survive. We are pack animals and are not meant to exist alone. Based on this theory, real independence comes from having a 'secure base' to return to in our partners and in our relationships. Knowing we have support if anything should go wrong in our day to day lives, give us the courage, strength and independence to go out and explore the world.
We've all heard the expression, 'behind every great man is a great woman'. Having a strong support system and relationship behind you can give you a newfound independence. There is a scene in the film 'Punch Drunk Love' where Adam Sandler's character, previously a kind of weedy, push over, neurotic type declares, 'I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.'
What is true independence? Not being answerable to anybody? Not having any responsibilities or commitments? Caring about no-one and no-one caring about you? Or is it about going out into the world everyday knowing you have someone who supports you, loves you and cares about you and only ever wants the best for you, standing behind you saying, whatever you do, wherever you go, whatever goes right, whatever goes wrong, I will always be here to back you up and be your warm arms to come home to...
Attachment Theory or the 'theory of love' as proposed by John Bowlby suggests that we all need relationships in order to survive. We are pack animals and are not meant to exist alone. Based on this theory, real independence comes from having a 'secure base' to return to in our partners and in our relationships. Knowing we have support if anything should go wrong in our day to day lives, give us the courage, strength and independence to go out and explore the world.
We've all heard the expression, 'behind every great man is a great woman'. Having a strong support system and relationship behind you can give you a newfound independence. There is a scene in the film 'Punch Drunk Love' where Adam Sandler's character, previously a kind of weedy, push over, neurotic type declares, 'I have a love in my life. It makes me stronger than anything you can imagine.'
What is true independence? Not being answerable to anybody? Not having any responsibilities or commitments? Caring about no-one and no-one caring about you? Or is it about going out into the world everyday knowing you have someone who supports you, loves you and cares about you and only ever wants the best for you, standing behind you saying, whatever you do, wherever you go, whatever goes right, whatever goes wrong, I will always be here to back you up and be your warm arms to come home to...
Grey
There will always be times when we disagree in our relationships, but if we take a postmodernist stance recognising that there is no one objective truth, we will begin to understand that we are all different and have different points of views and perspectives on things.
Black and white thinking can be linked back to childhood trauma where splitting occurs as a defence mechanism in order to make sense of the world, the child will see things as all good or all bad. This kind of thinking can often be triggered in adult relationships where it can become more important to be right in a disagreement, than to resolve the issue.
This is something I have been guilty of in the past, as if to be right was to survive. However this survival instinct is now an outdated coping mechanism and may be effective only at the cost of your relationship, the one thing you are really desperately trying to save.
Grey
Black and white thinking can be linked back to childhood trauma where splitting occurs as a defence mechanism in order to make sense of the world, the child will see things as all good or all bad. This kind of thinking can often be triggered in adult relationships where it can become more important to be right in a disagreement, than to resolve the issue.
This is something I have been guilty of in the past, as if to be right was to survive. However this survival instinct is now an outdated coping mechanism and may be effective only at the cost of your relationship, the one thing you are really desperately trying to save.
Grey
As tables are turning
With lessons we’re learning
The truth is just what we say
But it doesn’t matter anyway
Who is wrong and who is right
If black is really white
And white is really black
I just want what we had back
Before the insecurity
It felt right with you and me
We were both on the same team
And could say what we would mean
As that slips away
We listen to our brains
As our hearts break into pieces
We try desperately to keep this
Under control, we shout,
I cry, and tell you to get out
But you and I are here together
Hurting ourselves with our ‘whatevers’
There is no black or white
There is no wrong or right
There is only what we say
Mixed up, in shades of grey.
Priscilla Sim
Copyright 2006
Fear of being alone...
Relationships are increasingly both overrated and undervalued.
Are you so afraid of being alone that you feel you have to be in a relationship to feel valued as a person? It's frightening how many people are in unsuitable or unfulfilling relationships just to avoid being alone.
We don’t seem to realise the value of being in a real deep relationship that can enrich and inspire our personal and emotional growth. Instead relationships serve us merely as a desperate attempt to stave off the loneliness of the human condition and we forget the importance of being at peace in our own heads.
If you are a serial monogomist that has real issue with being out of a relationship, perhaps some time alone would really help to strengthen and develop your sense of self and autonomy as you work on a relationship with yourself.
I love this...
A Neuron with Imagination
by Francisco Ramos Stierle
To be vulnerable, then, is seen as a sign of weakness. That's why being "invulnerable" is about finding security by shattering your enemies; I create defenses and walls and borders to isolate me from the "danger" of being violated. A dramatic image for this view of life is the single neuron that tries to build higher and stronger walls to stop communication with its "dangerous" surroundings. In this ill-conceived notion of reality, it is a matter of time before the neuron atrophies in isolation and dies prematurely.
In the new paradigm, though, the entire Universe is in communion. It is a science of relationships in all dimensions, and life is experienced as a flow. Organisms are alive with visible boundaries, but determined by what flows through those porous boundaries: matter, energy, information, love. This paradigm is process oriented, and we are constantly asking “how,” not “what.” And so, knowledge is dynamic and always changing, like the flame that keeps its shape by constantly burning. When we experience this dynamic knowledge, it turns into wisdom and then reality cannot be confined only to the material world.
Here, power is shared in an inclusive and horizontal way, from the bottom-up, such that its value resides in the way an organism serves the community. Instead of looking for perfection, life looks for wholeness. Being vulnerable with courage is my best security because I see my security as the security of all. There are no enemies. A neuron, in this new paradigm, is interconnected and functional. While it has clear boundaries, it has imagination, and understands how matter, energy, information and love flow through molecules, society, mind, family and communities. Because of the plasticity of other connections in the brain, when a healthy neuron dies, being loved by the community, its legacy carries on.
--By Francisco Ramos Stierle
Friday 17 September 2010
Compliments
Some people are just so adept at filling your ears with all that sweet stuff you want to hear. They know how to make your chest swell and ego throb so much so that you can become addicted to it. Others are just not that great at it!
Giving compliments, much like the art of conversation and delivering a powerful sales pitch is a skill like anything else, it can be learnt. A well timed, well delivered compliment can really earn you a lot of points when it comes to 'winning friends and influencing people'.
It may be a natural born gift, inherent in a person's personality and sits happily in their 'toolbox of wooing' a lover. Beware not to fall too easily for the charm of a silver tongued Romeo, as his skill is easily transferable to any situation and you may not feel quite so special when you realise his lines are being recycled on a weekly, daily even hourly basis!
It may feel unnatural and awkward to you to try and seduce your lover with sweet talk, if that is not the way you are, but a compliment doesn't have to be a painfully contrived effort. Be observant, notice specific things that are unique to your partner that you find endearing and tell them in your own understated way.
They may well have heard how sexy and beautiful they are a hundred times, but has anyone ever told them that they love the mole on the inner side of their left ear? Or how cute you think that little noise is that they make when they first wake up and stretch in the morning? Letting your partner know you are paying attention, if they change their hair, or do something different with their make up, or are wearing something particularly fetching in your eyes, can really be all it takes to create the same effect as a well polished compliment.
If you find yourself in a situation with a partner who particularly finds this difficult, don't take it personally. It may well be that he thinks you are the best thing since Sky Sports, but just struggles with articulating this. Notice the ways in which he does appreciate and adore you and compliment him on that. Rather than make him feel like a 'loser' for being so socially awkward, show him how it's done and he can learn from you how to return the favour, as well as recognising his own strengths and competencies through your guidance.
Final note of warning. If you are used to being given compliments all the time and feel unattractive or unworthy when you don't get them, be aware in yourself how you feel about who you are. Compliments are always nice to receive, but you should not 'need' compliments to feel good about who you are. If you have a massive issue with the lack of compliments in your relationship, it may be to do with your own self esteem being fragile. Work on learning how to make yourself feel good in order to pass on this gift to others.
Giving compliments, much like the art of conversation and delivering a powerful sales pitch is a skill like anything else, it can be learnt. A well timed, well delivered compliment can really earn you a lot of points when it comes to 'winning friends and influencing people'.
It may be a natural born gift, inherent in a person's personality and sits happily in their 'toolbox of wooing' a lover. Beware not to fall too easily for the charm of a silver tongued Romeo, as his skill is easily transferable to any situation and you may not feel quite so special when you realise his lines are being recycled on a weekly, daily even hourly basis!
It may feel unnatural and awkward to you to try and seduce your lover with sweet talk, if that is not the way you are, but a compliment doesn't have to be a painfully contrived effort. Be observant, notice specific things that are unique to your partner that you find endearing and tell them in your own understated way.
They may well have heard how sexy and beautiful they are a hundred times, but has anyone ever told them that they love the mole on the inner side of their left ear? Or how cute you think that little noise is that they make when they first wake up and stretch in the morning? Letting your partner know you are paying attention, if they change their hair, or do something different with their make up, or are wearing something particularly fetching in your eyes, can really be all it takes to create the same effect as a well polished compliment.
If you find yourself in a situation with a partner who particularly finds this difficult, don't take it personally. It may well be that he thinks you are the best thing since Sky Sports, but just struggles with articulating this. Notice the ways in which he does appreciate and adore you and compliment him on that. Rather than make him feel like a 'loser' for being so socially awkward, show him how it's done and he can learn from you how to return the favour, as well as recognising his own strengths and competencies through your guidance.
Final note of warning. If you are used to being given compliments all the time and feel unattractive or unworthy when you don't get them, be aware in yourself how you feel about who you are. Compliments are always nice to receive, but you should not 'need' compliments to feel good about who you are. If you have a massive issue with the lack of compliments in your relationship, it may be to do with your own self esteem being fragile. Work on learning how to make yourself feel good in order to pass on this gift to others.
Thursday 16 September 2010
Are you really angry with your partner...or someone else?
Anger is a healthy and normal reaction to danger or stress, it comes from our survival instinct of fight or flight, however, it is important to recognise when anger crosses the line from a release of tension to becoming abusive and destructive to your relationship and partner.
When we feel our attachments to our partners are threatened we can often react angrily, it could be anything from the discovery that your partner is having an affair to them turning up late or not calling when they said they would. I'm never justifying or condoning any kind of violence or abuse under any circumstance, ever, but if they are having an affair, I could see how this perhaps could warrant a slap in the face as a genuine betrayal. However, if your partner just forgot to call, or rocked up late for your date and for that receives a slap in the face, alarm bells should be ringing big time.
No-one can 'make you' feel or do anything and to over react in such a way can not be blamed on the other person, that is taking the easy way out. It is the individual's responsibility to look at why they get so angry, where this rage comes from and if it is disproportionate to the issue, how they can deal better with this difficult emotion. Often times this huge rage comes from a place in the past where they may have been hurt, disappointed, betrayed or abandoned either by a previous partner, or more powerfully, by caregivers or people they trusted in their families of origin.
Romantic relationships can re-engage and trigger all these earlier childhood or previous bad feelings as old childhood attachment patterns are reactivated, similar to post traumatic stress disorder, the fear and terror can be as painful as the original experience. Anger then becomes a defence against the primary emotions of pain, fear, vulnerability to protect against being hurt further.
If you have difficulty with anger in a relationship, it may be useful for you to get individual counselling to explore this. Once you recognise where this anger comes from and how powerful and destructive it can be to the people around you, you can begin to take steps to manage this.
As soon as you feel yourself begin to lose control, try to step away from the feeling, perhaps take a time out, go for a walk, have a cup of tea, calm down before you try to continue talking about what you are upset about. If you can explain to your partner you need to deal with yourself and you will talk about the problem when you are calmer and in a better head space that is fantastic. If not, just do what you need to do to get a hold of yourself and explain later to them what you need in that situation and why you do what you do.
You can only help someone with their anger if they are aware they have a problem and want your help with it. If your partner struggles with anger, it is important that you keep yourself safe and have firm boundaries on your position in regards to this. Tell your partner gently but firmly, when they get very angry how difficult and scary it is for you and let them know that you still love and want to be with them, but when they are like that you will not engage with them. Tell them that you are still there for them and when they have calmed down you are happy to talk to them about how they are feeling.
A bit of anger in your relationship can be exciting and healthy for keeping the passion alive between you, establishing boundaries and trust, even reaffirming where you stand with each other. However, what you need to watch out for is whether you are really angry with your partner for something they've done so wrong to you, or if this is about something else and they are just the trigger for a deeper previous injury.
Treat your lovers gently, we are all sensitive, vulnerable creatures. Underneath the anger and shouting we are just asking to be hugged, loved and made to feel safe.
When we feel our attachments to our partners are threatened we can often react angrily, it could be anything from the discovery that your partner is having an affair to them turning up late or not calling when they said they would. I'm never justifying or condoning any kind of violence or abuse under any circumstance, ever, but if they are having an affair, I could see how this perhaps could warrant a slap in the face as a genuine betrayal. However, if your partner just forgot to call, or rocked up late for your date and for that receives a slap in the face, alarm bells should be ringing big time.
No-one can 'make you' feel or do anything and to over react in such a way can not be blamed on the other person, that is taking the easy way out. It is the individual's responsibility to look at why they get so angry, where this rage comes from and if it is disproportionate to the issue, how they can deal better with this difficult emotion. Often times this huge rage comes from a place in the past where they may have been hurt, disappointed, betrayed or abandoned either by a previous partner, or more powerfully, by caregivers or people they trusted in their families of origin.
Romantic relationships can re-engage and trigger all these earlier childhood or previous bad feelings as old childhood attachment patterns are reactivated, similar to post traumatic stress disorder, the fear and terror can be as painful as the original experience. Anger then becomes a defence against the primary emotions of pain, fear, vulnerability to protect against being hurt further.
If you have difficulty with anger in a relationship, it may be useful for you to get individual counselling to explore this. Once you recognise where this anger comes from and how powerful and destructive it can be to the people around you, you can begin to take steps to manage this.
As soon as you feel yourself begin to lose control, try to step away from the feeling, perhaps take a time out, go for a walk, have a cup of tea, calm down before you try to continue talking about what you are upset about. If you can explain to your partner you need to deal with yourself and you will talk about the problem when you are calmer and in a better head space that is fantastic. If not, just do what you need to do to get a hold of yourself and explain later to them what you need in that situation and why you do what you do.
You can only help someone with their anger if they are aware they have a problem and want your help with it. If your partner struggles with anger, it is important that you keep yourself safe and have firm boundaries on your position in regards to this. Tell your partner gently but firmly, when they get very angry how difficult and scary it is for you and let them know that you still love and want to be with them, but when they are like that you will not engage with them. Tell them that you are still there for them and when they have calmed down you are happy to talk to them about how they are feeling.
A bit of anger in your relationship can be exciting and healthy for keeping the passion alive between you, establishing boundaries and trust, even reaffirming where you stand with each other. However, what you need to watch out for is whether you are really angry with your partner for something they've done so wrong to you, or if this is about something else and they are just the trigger for a deeper previous injury.
Treat your lovers gently, we are all sensitive, vulnerable creatures. Underneath the anger and shouting we are just asking to be hugged, loved and made to feel safe.
Why 'playing hard to get' actually works...
I am never one to propagate any kind of game playing, but I just want to write a short post on why playing hard to get actually works, but with an added health warning that just because it works doesn't mean it's going to end up being a lasting, healthy relationship.
So why does it work? Newton's Law explains that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Put simply if I push, you pull, if you push, I pull. Think about it like this, you walk into a car showroom and a salesman comes over and begins heavily 'pushing' his sales pitch onto you, you may very likely feel like you want to 'pull' away and leave without buying a car and as you walk home with no car you wonder what just happened because you did actually want to buy one.
No-one wants to be pressured into doing anything they don't want to do, so when we feel pushed our natural reaction is to pull away. The same works romatically, if a person heavily pursues you, you may well feel overwhelmed and turned off, irritated, stalked even. The more they pursue, the more you want to escape and push them away. This is the only reason why 'playing hard to get' could actually work for you in getting someone's attention. If everyone in the room is falling at their knees over the hottest girl/guy in the room and you are nonchalent, even oblivious, they will 9 times out of 10 notice you and wonder why you are not behaving like everyone else.
Human nature is like that; we always want what we can't have. The exception to this however, is when two people are genuinely interested in each other. When this happens there will be a balance between them, where each action will produce an equal and opposite reaction, so for as much push is applied, the equal pull is applied in return. One person is not pushing more than the other and effectively pushing them away, the same push is being returned and they create an equilibrium between them even though there is being force applied both ways.
Finally, no matter how much pulling away or pursuing you engage in, this kind of behaviour modification can only be maintained for so long. So although you may succeed in capturing the object of your affection's attention by 'playing hard to get', at some point you are going to need to let go and let things develop organically and if the only way you can hold a person's attention is by being aloof and disinterested so they see you as a 'challenge', you may well need to consider your long term relationship prospects with this person. The other danger is that the person you like may just be shy and if you make no advances towards them, they may just think you are not interested and give up on you.
The best thing you can do at all times is just be your best, highest self, and if the person you like, likes you as you are, then no-one needs to play any games or overanalyse anything and we can all just get on with the real business of working on authentic and honest, lasting relationships that will help us to grow and learn both together and individually.
So why does it work? Newton's Law explains that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Put simply if I push, you pull, if you push, I pull. Think about it like this, you walk into a car showroom and a salesman comes over and begins heavily 'pushing' his sales pitch onto you, you may very likely feel like you want to 'pull' away and leave without buying a car and as you walk home with no car you wonder what just happened because you did actually want to buy one.
No-one wants to be pressured into doing anything they don't want to do, so when we feel pushed our natural reaction is to pull away. The same works romatically, if a person heavily pursues you, you may well feel overwhelmed and turned off, irritated, stalked even. The more they pursue, the more you want to escape and push them away. This is the only reason why 'playing hard to get' could actually work for you in getting someone's attention. If everyone in the room is falling at their knees over the hottest girl/guy in the room and you are nonchalent, even oblivious, they will 9 times out of 10 notice you and wonder why you are not behaving like everyone else.
Human nature is like that; we always want what we can't have. The exception to this however, is when two people are genuinely interested in each other. When this happens there will be a balance between them, where each action will produce an equal and opposite reaction, so for as much push is applied, the equal pull is applied in return. One person is not pushing more than the other and effectively pushing them away, the same push is being returned and they create an equilibrium between them even though there is being force applied both ways.
Finally, no matter how much pulling away or pursuing you engage in, this kind of behaviour modification can only be maintained for so long. So although you may succeed in capturing the object of your affection's attention by 'playing hard to get', at some point you are going to need to let go and let things develop organically and if the only way you can hold a person's attention is by being aloof and disinterested so they see you as a 'challenge', you may well need to consider your long term relationship prospects with this person. The other danger is that the person you like may just be shy and if you make no advances towards them, they may just think you are not interested and give up on you.
The best thing you can do at all times is just be your best, highest self, and if the person you like, likes you as you are, then no-one needs to play any games or overanalyse anything and we can all just get on with the real business of working on authentic and honest, lasting relationships that will help us to grow and learn both together and individually.
Throwing your toys out of the pram...
It's so easy in the heat of the moment to throw all your toys out of the pram and declare yourself, 'Out!' But, be careful, do this too many times and you can seriously damage your relationship. If this type of behaviour becomes a habit, you may soon learn that people get tired of picking up toys and will leave you crying 'wolf' on the mountainside all by yourself.
It can all feel like too much sometimes, the fights, the emotions, the misunderstandings, but the underlying desire for both of you is to make the relationship work, you just need to recognise that this is what you both want and begin to work together to resolve some of this stuff if you can. Make a conscious decision within yourself not to end things unless you are really sure that is what you want to do and discuss it with friends and family so you are clear on what you are doing and why.
Breaking up in the middle of a disagreement may make you feel like you have control and power back over your lover, but we all really seek security and safety in our relationships with a partner so when you throw the toys out the pram as soon as the going gets tough, it seriously damages trust between the two of you. Eventually you may find your partner will not come to you with important issues that need to be discussed for fear of rocking the boat which culminates in many little things building up over time and eroding your relationship anyway.
If you are going to break up, it’s much better to sit down together and have an adult conversation about why the relationship is not working for you and if it’s possible to work it out or not. If there are too many deal breakers and you both decide it’s just not workable, then the best thing may be to part ways amicably and move on. Find someone else who you are happy to share your toys with and play with them together.
It's ok to drop a toy or two every now and again, but to throw them all out is just cutting your nose off to spite your face. Your partner is by definition a 'part' of you, so if you hurt them, you are only really hurting yourself.
It can all feel like too much sometimes, the fights, the emotions, the misunderstandings, but the underlying desire for both of you is to make the relationship work, you just need to recognise that this is what you both want and begin to work together to resolve some of this stuff if you can. Make a conscious decision within yourself not to end things unless you are really sure that is what you want to do and discuss it with friends and family so you are clear on what you are doing and why.
Breaking up in the middle of a disagreement may make you feel like you have control and power back over your lover, but we all really seek security and safety in our relationships with a partner so when you throw the toys out the pram as soon as the going gets tough, it seriously damages trust between the two of you. Eventually you may find your partner will not come to you with important issues that need to be discussed for fear of rocking the boat which culminates in many little things building up over time and eroding your relationship anyway.
If you are going to break up, it’s much better to sit down together and have an adult conversation about why the relationship is not working for you and if it’s possible to work it out or not. If there are too many deal breakers and you both decide it’s just not workable, then the best thing may be to part ways amicably and move on. Find someone else who you are happy to share your toys with and play with them together.
It's ok to drop a toy or two every now and again, but to throw them all out is just cutting your nose off to spite your face. Your partner is by definition a 'part' of you, so if you hurt them, you are only really hurting yourself.
What is Romance??
Is romance the Milk Tray man dressed in black, sweeping into your window in the dead of night with a box of chocolates and a bunch of red roses? Or is it about something much more personal, meaningful and vulnerable?
To me, I would say true romance is consideration. Making consideration for and also showing you know your partner through the actions you make. Generic romance like buying a bunch of flowers isn’t romantic if your partner suffers from hayfever and doesn’t like flowers, or a box of chocolates when you know they are watching their weight!
It's the little gestures, like bringing you a glass of water at night and leaving it by your side of the bed. Or buying your favourite cereal and soya milk when you stay over because they know you are lactose intolerant. Just knowing what your partner likes or dislikes and factoring that in when making decisions can be hugely romantic. It shows you are considering them and care for them and their happiness and well being.
Romance doesn't have to be grossly extravagant or expensive either. It doesn't take a lot of thought to buy an expensive labelled or designer gift to make an impression on your lover. However, noticing that your beloved has a specific need and making the effort to meet that need for them, for example if you know your partner keeps losing their socks and you buy them a bumper pack of 10 pairs, that can be hugely more romantic than an overtly expensive gift that is not needed or considered.
Saying that, a designer handbag or two never went amiss with any lady I've ever known!!
To me, I would say true romance is consideration. Making consideration for and also showing you know your partner through the actions you make. Generic romance like buying a bunch of flowers isn’t romantic if your partner suffers from hayfever and doesn’t like flowers, or a box of chocolates when you know they are watching their weight!
It's the little gestures, like bringing you a glass of water at night and leaving it by your side of the bed. Or buying your favourite cereal and soya milk when you stay over because they know you are lactose intolerant. Just knowing what your partner likes or dislikes and factoring that in when making decisions can be hugely romantic. It shows you are considering them and care for them and their happiness and well being.
Romance doesn't have to be grossly extravagant or expensive either. It doesn't take a lot of thought to buy an expensive labelled or designer gift to make an impression on your lover. However, noticing that your beloved has a specific need and making the effort to meet that need for them, for example if you know your partner keeps losing their socks and you buy them a bumper pack of 10 pairs, that can be hugely more romantic than an overtly expensive gift that is not needed or considered.
Saying that, a designer handbag or two never went amiss with any lady I've ever known!!
Wednesday 15 September 2010
Communication Exercise
If you have problems talking to your partner about certain subject matters without getting upset, angry or highly emotionally charged, here is an exercise you can try to provide a structure and ensure you are both being heard.
Take an object such as a bunch of keys, a pen, a soft toy, or anything that you like. When you are holding the object, you are allowed to speak. Each person gets 3 minutes, time it and make sure you can both see the timer so you know how much time you have.
The first person takes their turn to speak, when their time is up they pass the object to their partner, now their partner has 3 minutes to repeat back they have heard. This is not an opportunity to reply or respond yet, the objective here is for the first person who spoke to know that they have been heard. Make notes if you need to, but make sure you maintain eye contact and hold hands if that feels comfortable enough. It will help you remain connected and in touch with each other.
Now it is the second person's turn to speak, they hold the object and speak for 3 minutes and say what it is that they feel or think. This is still not an opportunity to respond to what their partner said in the first round. When the second person has finished they pass the object back to their partner and they repeat the process of reflecting back what they heard their partner say.
Finally it is problem solving time. The rule about only being able to speak when holding the toy still applies. Each of you can take turns to make suggestions about how to negotiate the issue together. Limit the problem solving time to 10 minutes, if you don't come up with a solution leave it for the time being and take some time to think about it separately. Agree a time where you can revisit the issue, perhaps the next day and then use the object again as an indicator of who is speaking.
For example, the 'perfect' conversation might go like this:
Person 1: holding object
When I come home from work and I am really tired and the house is a mess, it makes me really angry, because I think to myself you have been in the house all day whilst I have been out at work, what have you been doing all day? The least you could do is tidy it up so when I get home I can relax and not have to deal with tidying up toys and clothes and screaming kids.
Person 2: holding object
When you come home from work, you are really tired and it makes you angry because the house is a mess and the kids are screaming. You think I have been home all day and the least I could do is make the effort to tidy up a bit so when you get in you can relax and unwind because you have had a really stressful day.
Person 2: Still holding object
I find it so hard to cope with 2 young children under 5, it is so tiring and stressful and I really get so exhausted with it all, sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and ignore it all and just sleep for a week. I sometimes get so angry with you because you have it easy you go out to work and don't have to deal with all the stuff I have to deal with, it never seems to end.
Person 1: Holding object
You've been finding it hard to cope with the kids because they are both under 5 and it's very tiring for you. Sometimes you feel like you just want to go to sleep for a week to escape it all. You get angry with me sometimes because you feel like I get to escape from it all and I have it easy at work.
Person 1: Holding object
Thank you for listening to me and letting me know how you feel. I'm sorry, I didn't realise how difficult of a time you were having with the kids and I have been coming home and feeling resentful thinking you were lazy and making it worse for you by getting angry. How could we think of ways to make it easier for you to cope with everything at home...would it help if we got a nanny or au pair to help you? Or if we got one of our parents to give you a day off once or twice a week?
Person 2: Holding object
Thank you for listening to me and telling me how you have been feeling. I feel so much better knowing that you are not angry with me for not being able to cope. I don't know how I feel about getting someone in to help, it might make me feel like a bit of a failure and I might not want anyone else interfering in my life with my kids. I don't know how I feel about that, can I think about it and we talk about it again tomorrow.
Person 1: Holding object
Ok, let's talk about it again tomorrow at the same time. We will figure it out so that you don't have to cope with this all on your own.
Person 2: Holding object
Thank you, yes that would be really good. I'm so glad we got to talk about this a bit without either of us shouting or walking out the room.
Person 1: Gives person 2 a hug
Yes, me too. I love you.
Person 2: Hugs person 1 back
I love you too : )
------------------------------------------------
Of course that was a highly stereotypical and very 'perfect' dramatisation, but you get the point I'm trying to make. Listening to your partner in a way that they feel heard and understood is 90% of the work, the remaining 10% is where you come together and figure out your problem together.
Good luck!
Take an object such as a bunch of keys, a pen, a soft toy, or anything that you like. When you are holding the object, you are allowed to speak. Each person gets 3 minutes, time it and make sure you can both see the timer so you know how much time you have.
The first person takes their turn to speak, when their time is up they pass the object to their partner, now their partner has 3 minutes to repeat back they have heard. This is not an opportunity to reply or respond yet, the objective here is for the first person who spoke to know that they have been heard. Make notes if you need to, but make sure you maintain eye contact and hold hands if that feels comfortable enough. It will help you remain connected and in touch with each other.
Now it is the second person's turn to speak, they hold the object and speak for 3 minutes and say what it is that they feel or think. This is still not an opportunity to respond to what their partner said in the first round. When the second person has finished they pass the object back to their partner and they repeat the process of reflecting back what they heard their partner say.
Finally it is problem solving time. The rule about only being able to speak when holding the toy still applies. Each of you can take turns to make suggestions about how to negotiate the issue together. Limit the problem solving time to 10 minutes, if you don't come up with a solution leave it for the time being and take some time to think about it separately. Agree a time where you can revisit the issue, perhaps the next day and then use the object again as an indicator of who is speaking.
For example, the 'perfect' conversation might go like this:
Person 1: holding object
When I come home from work and I am really tired and the house is a mess, it makes me really angry, because I think to myself you have been in the house all day whilst I have been out at work, what have you been doing all day? The least you could do is tidy it up so when I get home I can relax and not have to deal with tidying up toys and clothes and screaming kids.
Person 2: holding object
When you come home from work, you are really tired and it makes you angry because the house is a mess and the kids are screaming. You think I have been home all day and the least I could do is make the effort to tidy up a bit so when you get in you can relax and unwind because you have had a really stressful day.
Person 2: Still holding object
I find it so hard to cope with 2 young children under 5, it is so tiring and stressful and I really get so exhausted with it all, sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and ignore it all and just sleep for a week. I sometimes get so angry with you because you have it easy you go out to work and don't have to deal with all the stuff I have to deal with, it never seems to end.
Person 1: Holding object
You've been finding it hard to cope with the kids because they are both under 5 and it's very tiring for you. Sometimes you feel like you just want to go to sleep for a week to escape it all. You get angry with me sometimes because you feel like I get to escape from it all and I have it easy at work.
Person 1: Holding object
Thank you for listening to me and letting me know how you feel. I'm sorry, I didn't realise how difficult of a time you were having with the kids and I have been coming home and feeling resentful thinking you were lazy and making it worse for you by getting angry. How could we think of ways to make it easier for you to cope with everything at home...would it help if we got a nanny or au pair to help you? Or if we got one of our parents to give you a day off once or twice a week?
Person 2: Holding object
Thank you for listening to me and telling me how you have been feeling. I feel so much better knowing that you are not angry with me for not being able to cope. I don't know how I feel about getting someone in to help, it might make me feel like a bit of a failure and I might not want anyone else interfering in my life with my kids. I don't know how I feel about that, can I think about it and we talk about it again tomorrow.
Person 1: Holding object
Ok, let's talk about it again tomorrow at the same time. We will figure it out so that you don't have to cope with this all on your own.
Person 2: Holding object
Thank you, yes that would be really good. I'm so glad we got to talk about this a bit without either of us shouting or walking out the room.
Person 1: Gives person 2 a hug
Yes, me too. I love you.
Person 2: Hugs person 1 back
I love you too : )
------------------------------------------------
Of course that was a highly stereotypical and very 'perfect' dramatisation, but you get the point I'm trying to make. Listening to your partner in a way that they feel heard and understood is 90% of the work, the remaining 10% is where you come together and figure out your problem together.
Good luck!
Seriously highly recommended links!!!
Life cycle of a relationship...
http://www.videojug.com/interview/the-life-cycle-of-a-relationship
Before you get married...
http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/family-parenting/what-every-couple-should-read-before-getting-married-blog-1-the-telegraph.html
Emotionally Focused Therapy: Attachment Theory Goddess - Dr Susan Johnson rocks my world!
http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/222-sex-love-and-intimacy/episodes/26934-dr-sue-johnson-hold-me/play
http://www.videojug.com/interview/the-life-cycle-of-a-relationship
Before you get married...
http://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/family-parenting/what-every-couple-should-read-before-getting-married-blog-1-the-telegraph.html
Emotionally Focused Therapy: Attachment Theory Goddess - Dr Susan Johnson rocks my world!
http://personallifemedia.com/podcasts/222-sex-love-and-intimacy/episodes/26934-dr-sue-johnson-hold-me/play
So many different ways to communicate...and miscommunicate!
It sounds simple, but when it comes to communication, following this one rule can really save you a lot of confusion and frustration when it comes to affairs of the heart.
In today's technologically advanced society there are so many different ways to communicate such as phone, texts, email, BBM, Pinging, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs the list goes on...but beware, with as many different mediums to communicate through, there are as many opportunities for miscommunication.
All it takes is a misplaced, misread, misunderstood word, or your tone of voice on a phonecall when you're busy and stressed out at work and a whole chain of further miscommunication can ensue.
For example:
Person 1 - 'Hello, what are you doing?'
Person 2 - 'Hi, um, I can't really talk right now, what do you want?'
Person 1 - 'Oh fine, forget it, I'll talk to you later.'
Person 2 - 'No, what is it, come on, I can talk to you for a minute.'
Person 1 - 'No, don't worry, go back to whatever it is you're so busy with.'
Person 2 - 'Don't be like that, I'm just really stressed out, I'm about to go into a meeting.'
Person 1 - 'Ok, have a great meeting, sorry to bother you when you're so busy! I'll talk to you later'
Person 2 - 'Oh come on...'
Person 1 - 'Forget it, see you later. Bye.'
Person 1 hangs up
Person 2 - 'Hello??'
10 minutes later...
Person 1 - Text message 'Sorry to interrupt you when you are so busy being important at work! As I'm bothering you so much don't worry about calling me later, I'm done with dealing with this cr@p!'
Person 2 - Text message 'What are you talking about?? I can't believe you just hung up on me! I was about to go into a meeting and I couldn't talk right then. If you're going to be like that then fine, I'm done with this too.'
2 hours later person 1 sends an email to person 2's work email, person 2 sends one back, more along the same lines, where both parties continue to inflame the other and by the end of the day, two people who started off perfectly happy in the morning when they kissed each other goodbye have broken up and are not speaking to each other anymore.
First of all if you are a person that gets stressed out at work and finds it difficult to think about anything else whilst in that mode, it is ok to set out your boundaries to avoid offending your partner if they want to call and talk to you at work. Agree between you that they should only call in an emergency while you are at work, otherwise a text or email would be better with a particular request which you can reply to when you have a chance to. Let them know that it may take you a while to reply so you can give them your full attention. If you are too busy to reply, let them know when you think you will be able to get back to them.
Secondly, and this is the main point I am making, cut any non face to face communication short as soon as it begins to become negative or emotional. Don't get pulled into reacting and extending the miscommunication. Firmly but gently assure your partner that they are important to you and you want to talk to them about why they are upset or about what it is they wanted to talk to you about in the first place.
Without any defensiveness, explain that however now is not a good time and you would prefer to do this face to face (so you can see them and touch them and look into their eyes) when you can give them your undivided attention. Then agree a time when you will be able to do this, or a time when you will be able to speak to them to arrange a time to do this. In this way you maintain control of the situation and yourself, avoid escalation of emotions and manage your partner's anxiety/frustrations in a respectful and honest manner.
The difficulty of a miscommunication situation often dissipates as soon as you see each other in person and remember what it is you like about your partner and the natural chemistry that brought you together in the first place is something that helps to reconnect you so you can talk through the problem together and figure out what is going to work for both of you going forward.
Technology is great for keeping in constant contact with each other, but I would suggest that when it comes to emotions, confusion and arguments you keep this kind of communication for face to face. Keep technology for all the pragmatic stuff like organising meetings and all the good stuff like little love messages to let your partner know you are thinking of them. And you know, sending whatever kind of pictures you like to each other to remind them how hot they are for you!
In today's technologically advanced society there are so many different ways to communicate such as phone, texts, email, BBM, Pinging, Facebook, Twitter, Blogs the list goes on...but beware, with as many different mediums to communicate through, there are as many opportunities for miscommunication.
All it takes is a misplaced, misread, misunderstood word, or your tone of voice on a phonecall when you're busy and stressed out at work and a whole chain of further miscommunication can ensue.
For example:
Person 1 - 'Hello, what are you doing?'
Person 2 - 'Hi, um, I can't really talk right now, what do you want?'
Person 1 - 'Oh fine, forget it, I'll talk to you later.'
Person 2 - 'No, what is it, come on, I can talk to you for a minute.'
Person 1 - 'No, don't worry, go back to whatever it is you're so busy with.'
Person 2 - 'Don't be like that, I'm just really stressed out, I'm about to go into a meeting.'
Person 1 - 'Ok, have a great meeting, sorry to bother you when you're so busy! I'll talk to you later'
Person 2 - 'Oh come on...'
Person 1 - 'Forget it, see you later. Bye.'
Person 1 hangs up
Person 2 - 'Hello??'
10 minutes later...
Person 1 - Text message 'Sorry to interrupt you when you are so busy being important at work! As I'm bothering you so much don't worry about calling me later, I'm done with dealing with this cr@p!'
Person 2 - Text message 'What are you talking about?? I can't believe you just hung up on me! I was about to go into a meeting and I couldn't talk right then. If you're going to be like that then fine, I'm done with this too.'
2 hours later person 1 sends an email to person 2's work email, person 2 sends one back, more along the same lines, where both parties continue to inflame the other and by the end of the day, two people who started off perfectly happy in the morning when they kissed each other goodbye have broken up and are not speaking to each other anymore.
First of all if you are a person that gets stressed out at work and finds it difficult to think about anything else whilst in that mode, it is ok to set out your boundaries to avoid offending your partner if they want to call and talk to you at work. Agree between you that they should only call in an emergency while you are at work, otherwise a text or email would be better with a particular request which you can reply to when you have a chance to. Let them know that it may take you a while to reply so you can give them your full attention. If you are too busy to reply, let them know when you think you will be able to get back to them.
Secondly, and this is the main point I am making, cut any non face to face communication short as soon as it begins to become negative or emotional. Don't get pulled into reacting and extending the miscommunication. Firmly but gently assure your partner that they are important to you and you want to talk to them about why they are upset or about what it is they wanted to talk to you about in the first place.
Without any defensiveness, explain that however now is not a good time and you would prefer to do this face to face (so you can see them and touch them and look into their eyes) when you can give them your undivided attention. Then agree a time when you will be able to do this, or a time when you will be able to speak to them to arrange a time to do this. In this way you maintain control of the situation and yourself, avoid escalation of emotions and manage your partner's anxiety/frustrations in a respectful and honest manner.
The difficulty of a miscommunication situation often dissipates as soon as you see each other in person and remember what it is you like about your partner and the natural chemistry that brought you together in the first place is something that helps to reconnect you so you can talk through the problem together and figure out what is going to work for both of you going forward.
Technology is great for keeping in constant contact with each other, but I would suggest that when it comes to emotions, confusion and arguments you keep this kind of communication for face to face. Keep technology for all the pragmatic stuff like organising meetings and all the good stuff like little love messages to let your partner know you are thinking of them. And you know, sending whatever kind of pictures you like to each other to remind them how hot they are for you!
Commitment Poem
Commitment Poem
I commit to an ambition
For my relationship with you
To strive to always together
Equal more than the sum of our parts
I commit to being really interested
In learning to understand you
At a deep fundamental level
And to communicate from that place.
To be intuitively connected,
To speak without words
A language only we two understand
I commit to being the champion
Of your strengths and uniqueness
As well as the guardian of your
Sensitivities and weaknesses
Your dreams, your vulnerabilities
And your greatest qualities
I commit to holding you
In the highest esteem
And vow never to allow you
To stop learning and growing
As a person everyday
And I commit to challenging you
At every step of the way
To be the very best that you can be
I commit to helping you see
Your blind spots and showing you
How to shine a light on them
And guide you through gently
With understanding and kindness
Acceptance and patience
I commit to finding the joy
In learning together
And never seeing the work to make it work
As a chore, but a blessing
And every crisis an opportunity
To strengthen and reaffirm
The connection between us
I commit to choosing you
For the journey
Not just the destination
For my family, our legacy
And my best friend.
I commit to being
Your reference point and your port
Your dock, your anchor,
Your freedom, your rock
And your soft place to fall.
I commit to do my utmost to love you
With the whole of my heart
I make this commitment to you
Until death do us part.
Priscilla Sim
Copyright 2010
It's not what you say...it's what you say, after the way you said it!
So we've all been there, you say something, he says something and suddenly you are both saying things that you don't mean to say at all and it's not just the way you're saying it, it's what you're saying too. All the things you know will really hit where it hurts. Then it all blows up, someone storms out, and neither of you are sure exactly what just happened!
You feel sick in your stomach, you try to call him/her and they are not picking up their phone. You start to panic now and go over and over things in your head, how did we get here you ask yourself? Who was right and who was wrong? Whose fault was it? Then you call a sympathetic friend or family member and rehash your drama with them explaining every word that you said, then he said, then she said, then I said…you get the picture.
Miscommunication is inevitable in every relationship, no matter how in love or connected you are, we are only human and for the most part not psychics or mind readers! What is really important after the fight is how you talk about what happened between you and resolve the issue together.
Conflict is normal and healthy in relationships to establish boundaries and if you are both able to apologise for your part in the miscommunication and discuss what happened respectfully, avoiding blame, re-negotiating your relationship can actually be an opportunity to build trust and strengthen the bond between the two of you. It’s not what you say…it’s how you say what you say, after you said what you said that counts!
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