Be curious rather than defensive...

It's easy to get caught up in the dynamics of an argument or misunderstanding and find yourself trying to defend yourself and fight your corner, but there are ways to stop yourselves from being sucked into that downward spiral.

Try to step out of the cycle and take an observer perspective, rather than saying, 'no no no,' 'listen to me,' 'let me explain this to you,' stop yourself and be curious. Ask your partner, 'What is going on here?' 'What is this really about?' 'Why are you fighting with me?' 'Why are you so upset?'

Instead of trying to convince your partner they are wrong to be upset and 'these are the reasons why', ask questions, be curious, find out why they are upset and try to understand why they are behaving the way they are. That way the fight is disrupted, you are both forced to stop and examine what is really happening between you and look at what it is you are fighting about.

You may have experienced it for yourself, the more you try to defend yourself, explain, rationalise, reason, the more enraged and frustrated your partner becomes. Usually their response will be, 'you just don't get it do you?' Or 'it's not about that, you don't understand!'

'It's never about the polos is it? That has become a well used phrase of mine stemming from an argument I had with a boyfriend when I was in my early twenties. He had eaten some raw onions and I told him he had stinky breath so he went to buy some polos, but didn't tell me where he was going. I didn't know where he had gone and thought he had just left me because I told him he had bad breath. I felt very panicky and when he eventually came back we had a huge row about it.

The poor guy kept trying to explain he just went to buy polos, but I didn't want to hear about polos, it's not about the polos! I was upset because he had left me alone in the street and I didn't know where he had gone. It tapped into all those early childhood feelings of losing your mum or dad in a crowd and feeling scared, alone and abandoned.

Having studied attachment behaviour and worked with numerous couples who have experienced this similar fight, I now understand what our fight was about and that all I really needed from him was a hug and reassurance that he had not left me and was not going anywhere. Nine times out of ten that's all it takes to calm a situation and reconnect with your partner...genuine curiosity and a willingness to understand, then a big loving hug to make everything better.