Communication Exercise

If you have problems talking to your partner about certain subject matters without getting upset, angry or highly emotionally charged, here is an exercise you can try to provide a structure and ensure you are both being heard.

Take an object such as a bunch of keys, a pen, a soft toy, or anything that you like. When you are holding the object, you are allowed to speak. Each person gets 3 minutes, time it and make sure you can both see the timer so you know how much time you have.

The first person takes their turn to speak, when their time is up they pass the object to their partner, now their partner has 3 minutes to repeat back they have heard. This is not an opportunity to reply or respond yet, the objective here is for the first person who spoke to know that they have been heard. Make notes if you need to, but make sure you maintain eye contact and hold hands if that feels comfortable enough. It will help you remain connected and in touch with each other.

Now it is the second person's turn to speak, they hold the object and speak for 3 minutes and say what it is that they feel or think. This is still not an opportunity to respond to what their partner said in the first round. When the second person has finished they pass the object back to their partner and they repeat the process of reflecting back what they heard their partner say.

Finally it is problem solving time. The rule about only being able to speak when holding the toy still applies. Each of you can take turns to make suggestions about how to negotiate the issue together. Limit the problem solving time to 10 minutes, if you don't come up with a solution leave it for the time being and take some time to think about it separately. Agree a time where you can revisit the issue, perhaps the next day and then use the object again as an indicator of who is speaking.

For example, the 'perfect' conversation might go like this:

Person 1: holding object
When I come home from work and I am really tired and the house is a mess, it makes me really angry, because I think to myself you have been in the house all day whilst I have been out at work, what have you been doing all day? The least you could do is tidy it up so when I get home I can relax and not have to deal with tidying up toys and clothes and screaming kids. 

Person 2: holding object
When you come home from work, you are really tired and it makes you angry because the house is a mess and the kids are screaming. You think I have been home all day and the least I could do is make the effort to tidy up a bit so when you get in you can relax and unwind because you have had a really stressful day.

Person 2: Still holding object
I find it so hard to cope with 2 young children under 5, it is so tiring and stressful and I really get so exhausted with it all, sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and ignore it all and just sleep for a week. I sometimes get so angry with you because you have it easy you go out to work and don't have to deal with all the stuff I have to deal with, it never seems to end.

Person 1: Holding object
You've been finding it hard to cope with the kids because they are both under 5 and it's very tiring for you. Sometimes you feel like you just want to go to sleep for a week to escape it all. You get angry with me sometimes because you feel like I get to escape from it all and I have it easy at work.

Person 1: Holding object
Thank you for listening to me and letting me know how you feel. I'm sorry, I didn't realise how difficult of a time you were having with the kids and I have been coming home and feeling resentful thinking you were lazy and making it worse for you by getting angry. How could we think of ways to make it easier for you to cope with everything at home...would it help if we got a nanny or au pair to help you? Or if we got one of our parents to give you a day off once or twice a week?

Person 2: Holding object
Thank you for listening to me and telling me how you have been feeling. I feel so much better knowing that you are not angry with me for not being able to cope. I don't know how I feel about getting someone in to help, it might make me feel like a bit of a failure and I might not want anyone else interfering in my life with my kids. I don't know how I feel about that, can I think about it and we talk about it again tomorrow.

Person 1: Holding object
Ok, let's talk about it again tomorrow at the same time. We will figure it out so that you don't have to cope with this all on your own.

Person 2: Holding object
Thank you, yes that would be really good. I'm so glad we got to talk about this a bit without either of us shouting or walking out the room.

Person 1: Gives person 2 a hug
Yes, me too. I love you.

Person 2: Hugs person 1 back
I love you too : )

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Of course that was a highly stereotypical and very 'perfect' dramatisation, but you get the point I'm trying to make. Listening to your partner in a way that they feel heard and understood is 90% of the work, the remaining 10% is where you come together and figure out your problem together.

Good luck!