Big Boys Don't Cry

A couple I know have just found out they are pregnant. When they found out, the man started drinking a lot and began behaving aggressively around the family. He was ambivalent about the pregnancy as he is in his 50s and they both already have 3 children from previous relationships.

What's the connection?

I've recently started working at a swim school with babies and children teaching them how to swim and one of the things that got me thinking was how much compassion I felt for the little boys who were scared of the water.

They cried and didn't want to get into the pool, clung to their mums and panicked if they were left alone in the water.

Boys who cry grow up to become men who don't cry...

I suddenly connected the two and realised that these boys would grow up to become the men that women fall in love with and marry and expect to be strong protectors and defenders of us.

Where did the need and sensitivity go when these little boys grew up, when they were no longer allowed to cling to their mum's legs and express their fear and anxiety? 

Fear is not gender specific. It is human and universal. We all feel it and are affected by it.

Society gives women permission to feel and express their emotions. We acknowledge it is ok for girls to cry and be scared, anxious, nervous, insecure, but if men feel and show this they are saps, wusses, big girls blouses, babies...

It seemed clear to me that the woman's partner was scared, confused and worried about the pregnancy and didn't know how to express it. Instead he was repressing his real feelings and numbing out by drinking.

It's easier to be angry than scared...

He didn't know how to talk to his partner about his concerns and fear so it was easier to push her away by being aggressive and angry.

Naturally the woman's maternal instinct kicks in to protect her two children and unborn child and so she asked him to leave, when all he really needed was to talk to her about how he felt so they could manage the situation together and support each other.

Babies are not always only wonderful...

We have this idea in society that pregnancy is a wonderful thing to be celebrated and embraced by our friends, families and partners, but the reality is that it is also very hard work and a huge life long responsibility to undertake.

Having been through raising three children previously in an unsuccessful relationship, he quite probably knows what the new baby will entail and how difficult it will be.

As well as all his own insecurities being triggered as to how he has not been able to be a good enough father to the 2 children he already has.

I wonder if behind this strong angry man, we can see the frightened little boy standing at the edge of the pool crying and holding onto his mum's skirt...

How do you view differences?

This is a really lovely blog post:  I'm Tigger and He's Eeyore

x

Happy New Year!

This is an amazing quote which I wanted to share today as we bring in 2011 together...

'Dependency, which has been pathologised in our culture, is an innate part of being human rather than a childhood trait that we outgrow. Attachment and the emotions associated with it are the core defining feature of close relationships... It reminds us that when the wind blows, it stings the eyes of all. The fear of isolation and loss is found in every human heart.'

 Dr Susan Johnson (2004:25) The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. Creating Connection.

Have a great new year and keep loving each other...xxx

Emotional Affairs...AKA She/He is Just a Friend

'She/he is just a friend!'

I always find these situations so uncomfortable and tricky, because whoever is having the affair is 'technically' not doing/done anything 'wrong'. ie they have not physically 'consumated' the affair...YET.

So their story is, 'What is your problem? She/he is just a friend!'

The upset partner is struggling to come to terms with this threat to their relationship and double betrayal in that their partner is sharing emotional intimacy with another person and then denying that they have a right to be hurt by this. It's all shades of gray.

Confusion

A lot of the time, there is a lot of confusion as the hurt partner tries to reconcile the information discovered/being given, and the very painful feelings they are experiencing.

They try to make the two stories match, but struggle to cope with wanting to be close and loving to their partner and being hurt, confused and angry at them.

The hurt partner expresses their feelings in the form of anger, questioning, jealousy, mistrust, withdrawal, ultimatums...etc. which creates the opposite effect of what it is they actually want/need, which is to be reassured and comforted by their partner and to have their belief and trust in the relationship restored.

Pushing him right into her arms 

Their behaviour pushes their partner away even more, usually into the arms of the person who they are getting close to in the first place. It's all very dangerous ground.

And the most dangerous part of all is that an affair, especially an emotional affair, is usually symptomatic of deeper unresolved issues within the relationship.

The person having the emotional affair may be looking for something that they have lost in their original relationship, be that intimacy, desire, excitement, passion, novelty, attraction, friendship...

What is missing?

Because something is missing and the couple have not talked about it or come to an agreement on how to rediscover/create/find this, the relationship is vulnerable.

In a way the person having the emotional affair is the one who is more aware of the lack/loss as they are looking for it with another person and this may come as a sudden wake up call to their partner when they discover this threat.


There are no 'villains' and 'victims'

It is just as difficult for the person who is having the emotional affair, because they are also struggling to reconcile their feelings of need, guilt and anger.

They are not the 'villain' in the story and the partner the 'innocent victim', yet they are made to feel this way and are further reminded of their sadness and disconnection from their partner.

They have found something of what they felt missing in their new friendship, but what they probably wanted for a long time before this was for it to be present within their current relationship.

You are both hurting...

So the person having the emotional affair has probably been hurting for as much time, if not more before this crisis came about.

Now the issue has blown itself up into the daylight, the hurt betrayed partner who appears the victim further damages the relationship problem by reacting to their pain and pushing their partner away.

They find themselves locked in a battle of emotion, hurt, pain, betrayal, need, loss, fear, anger, suspicion, mistrust, denial, accusation...and then they come to couples counselling!

I also found this article interesting: The danger of an emotional affair.

First Love

Great article in FeMail: Can you ever get over your first love?


You know what they say, they call it first love, because it's not the last...

Do you spit or swallow?

I have just started reading 'Women who Love too much' by Robin Norwood.

I will tell you what I think of the book in a bit, but before that, I did find validity in the following quotes and just wanted to share: 

'It is important to understand...that what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. There may be other problems that are discussed, often ad nauseum, but these often cover up the underlying secrets that make the family dysfunctional. It is the degree of secrecy - the inability to talk about the problems - rather than their severity, that defines both how dysfunctional a family becomes and how severely its members are damaged.' (p.12)

She goes on to say:

'Because our family denies our reality, we begin to deny it too.' (p.13)

I thought these quotes were so very important to get a hold of.

This book is aimed at a certain type of woman outlined by Norwood who 'loves too much' and is continuously attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I must point out that I am reading this book with a healthy sceptism as I tend to be heavily against labelling or pigeonholing 'types' of people.

I'm much more a believer in the human condition, that we all have our failings and are flawed in some way, but these foibles are what make us unique and individual.

However, the above quotes did really resonate for me beyond the wider message of the book, she has pointed out something very key here.


The more repression; the more rebellion...

I was thinking about the idea we work with in therapy that the more repression there is, the more rebellion, or acting out there is, if there are no conversations about what is going on between you.

For example a common one (not to be stereotypical, but this is a situation I have seen quite a few times in my practice) might be a husband who feels his wife is not giving him enough attention or is too preoccupied with the children, the household chores, or her career.

If there is no conversation about this between them and agreement on how his needs can be better met, acting out in this instance could be flirting with other people, having an emotional or sexual affair, or even anger and violence.

Sorry honey, I burnt your dinner...

Acting out could also take the form of passive aggressive behaviour.

For example (another stereotype, sorry) if the woman in a relationship is unhappy because her husband is preoccupied with his work, social life, sports, recreational activities etc. she may withhold sex, or refuse to engage with him when he is talking to her about something he is excited about.

You know the old cliches where the wife purposely burn his shirts when ironing them, or leaves his food in the oven too long. You get the idea!  


Swallowing the feelings...

'Acting in' is the other possibility, when people take the emotions they are feeling and unable to express them, swallow them and turn all their sadness, rage and frustration in on themselves.

This usually takes the form of depression and is very dangerous because it can lead to suicidal feelings and possible suicide attempts, self harm, overeating, alcoholism...pushing the feelings down further. 


Naughty kids acting out? Quiet kids acting in?

If we read the above quotes by Robin Norwood and think about the 'acting out' and 'acting in' concepts, we can see that when children are being very rebellious and naughty, or very quiet and withdrawn, there is the possibility that these are the first signs that something going on for them.

Because they are unable to express this, they are presenting challenging behaviour as a cry for help really, rather than a personality defect.


So do you spit or swallow?

So how did issues and emotions get dealt with in your families?

Were problems talked about openly?

Were you encouraged to spit out what you were thinking and feeling so they could be discussed?

Or did you learn how to swallow pain, fear, sorrow?

As an adult, how do you cope with issues, fears, feelings?

Have you carried the ways of dealing with problems you learnt in your families of origin into your adult life and relationships?

Are you able to talk about these things with friends, partners, lovers, family now?
  
Do you 'act out' or 'act in' when you are unable to express yourself?

How do you think you could start to break these patterns from today???

Drama Triangles

Today I was thinking about Karpman's drama triangle.

I love that idea, the drama triangle!

It looks like this, at each corner you have a different role or position...

Persecutor > Victim > Rescuer

In relationship work, we often look at triangles.

Affairs

Be that affairs where another person is drawn into the dynamic with the original couple.

Parentification

Triangulation of a child into the adult relationship where the child is expected to meet the adults emotional needs known as parentification.

Therapy

Or when the therapist is drawn into the dynamic of the relationship as the third party.

It's interesting how we can be drawn into these roles in life so easily and chase each other round and round so no-one effectively has to take responsibility for themselves.

Persecutor

In this theory the persecutor is like a critical parent, they may feel they can improve the victim, they dominate and attack, blame and accuse without taking into account the feelings of the victim.

They believe they know better, they hold all the power and control and try to change the other person rather than looking at themself.

Their position is I'm ok, you're not ok.

Victim

The victim is like the child, always apologising, feeling unworthy, helpless and at the mercy of the persecutor.

They believe the persecutor knows better and do not recognise their own power.

Their position is I'm not ok, you're ok.

Rescuer

And the rescuer is like a nurturing parent.

They can often do too much and be overprotective, babying and thereby disempowering the victim even more and keeping the victim reliant and dependent on them for their support and help. 

Their position is I'm ok, you're not ok.

Who rescues?

The rescuer is perhaps the unaware therapist who may be drawn into the drama triangle unwittingly.

Or a person outside the relationship who provides a shoulder to cry on such as a best friend, or more worryingly the person you have an affair with.

The rescuer can also be the child who learns to attain love from their parent by providing them with their emotional needs.

This often leaves the adult parentified child with very difficult relationship patterns in later life.

Triangle of change

In the triangle of change we try to shift the roles from

Persecutor > Assertive adult

The assertive adult, rather than attacking the victim in order to incite change, is able to change their own behaviour to get their needs met.

They are respectful and assertive in sharing their thoughts and feelings, without blaming and criticising the other person.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.

Victim > Vulnerable adult

The vulnerable adult is able to think for themself and recognise they are in a vulnerable position. They are able to use their feelings as information and look at where they are and where they would like to be and take steps towards that change for themself.

They are able to ask for help where neccessary, but not in expectation of someone else doing everything for them.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.

Rescuer > Helpful adult

The helpful adult, rather than being a mollycoddling overprotective parent, instead is able to provide the help that is asked for and wanted without doing it all for them.

They are able to express concern for the vulnerable adult without taking over and allow the other person to think for themself and make their own decisions. They help to enpower and enable the vulnerable adult through their support.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.


Everyone is ok!!

So that about sums it up.

If you are blaming someone else for something you are unhappy with and not looking at change for yourself, perhaps you are being a persecutor.

If you allow other people to take care of you and are not able to get yourself out of difficult situations or stand up for yourself, perhaps you are a victim.

If you are always doing too much for other people, so they don't get the chance to do for themself what they are perfectly capable of doing, perhaps you are not being as helpful as you think.

Either way, the best position you can take if you want to step out of the drama triangle and into an adult triangle of change is to recognise, I'm ok and you're ok, we're all ok.

After all isn't that what true love is all about? Acceptance and forgiveness...

Why am I bothering?

This week one of the couples I have just started working with made me think of one of my favourite quotes below...

They have been together just over a year and have been having difficulties communicating without arguing. 

The man said in the session, 'I don't even know why I'm bothering.' 

So I asked him directly, 'Why are you bothering?'

What he said next was really touching. 

He paused for a while, smiled and said simply, 'Because I love her, I do...and I know that deep down in there is a lovely person.'

That choked me up!

All the battling between the two of them was really just an attempt to reconnect with each other, to feel safe enough to love each other and be the vulnerable lovely people they are without fear that if they let down their guards and trust again they will be hurt, let down, disappointed, abandoned or betrayed.

‘One of the most striking, and perhaps encouraging, things that psychoanalysts have discovered is that people never give up trying to put things right for themselves and for the people they love…what appears to be the most desperate and useless behaviour can be understood as an attempt to get back to something that was good in the past or to put right something that was unsatisfactory. Over and over again people come back to their failures in an attempt to remedy them, even if they cannot help repeating the same failure over and over again.’ 

- Balint, E. (1993:41) Unconscious communications between husband and wife. In: Ruszcynski, S. (ed) Psychotherapy with couples. London: Karnac 

Don't go to bed mad!

This made me laugh today:

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." - Phyllis Diller

...Even better if you can, park it, have a hug, talk about it the next day when you are both feeling more rational and in control of your emotions.

Goodnight, sleep tight.xx

Festive Frustrations...

Sometimes I think my job is to take the romance out of love :(

After all, what is romance other than a heady mix of mystery and intrigue, excitement, intensity, desire and chemistry?

Good relationships are not based on romance...

Romance can really help to kick start a potential relationship, but the thing is, a strong solid relationship is based on more fundamental elements such as communication, negotiation, understanding, compromise, good will and friendship.

If you don't talk about things together and work out how you can both be happy enough with your agreement, there is always going to be an argument or miscommunication waiting for you round the corner.

At this festive time of year, you may be busy organising yourselves for Christmas parties and dinners, or you may have holidays away together planned.

Either way, in our own heads we usually have ideas of how we want things to go and have expectations for how things will play out.

With Expectations Come Disappointment...

If you are going away together you may be very excited to spend time together and visit a new place or you may just be glad to get away from the stresses of everyday life.

I hate to be the kill joy, but what concerns me when couples are very excited about something is that with expectations come disappointment when things don't go exactly to plan.

One of you may have ideas to get up early every morning and go for walks, explore and make the most of your time in a new place. Whereas the other one may have ideas about sleeping in late, being lazy and generally taking this break as an opportunity to relax.

This disjointed agenda may come as an unpleasant surprise following all the anticipation and excitement that has preceeded your time away and be the perfect fuel for an argument to further taint and disrupt your festive mood.

Talk about it...

My advice, as always is to talk about everything. Prepare yourselves for how you want things to go.

Talk about how you want to spend your festive time together and agree in advance on a plan of action so you know what you are both doing before the time comes and what is expected of you.

If one of you wants to be more active with this free time and the other wants to be more low key, try to find a compromise between what you want to do and what your partner has in mind.

Never assume...

You know that saying, assume makes an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me'. Don't assume in the midst of all your excitement that things will just go the way you want them to. 

Certain times of the year such as Christmas, Birthdays and New Years are high stress periods and conflict is much more common at these times.

If you know you have a propensity to argue in certain situations, set up safety plans for yourselves as to how you will manage this.

Be aware of your reactions... 

If you know that when you argue you have a tendency to shut down and walk out, then make an agreement that if you do that, you will come back in an hour, or you will call your partner to let them know what you need to calm down and get a hold of yourself.

If you know that when you get frustrated and angry you shout and scream, make an agreement that your partner will ask you once to stop shouting, then if you continue they will walk away till you can calm down and you can talk about it. 

Have an honest open discussion of how you both react in certain situations and how you can deal with this together.
   
Have a great holiday!!

And once you've done all that prep work, be as excited as you can be, let go, love each other, trust in your relationship and have a grrrrrrrrreat holiday!!

xxx

Piglet and Pooh...

I absolutely love this...

'Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  
"Pooh!" he whispered.  
"Yes, Piglet?"  
"Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw.  
"I just wanted to be sure of you." '
~A.A. Milne

The problem with stuffing...

The problem with stuffing, is that there is only so much 'stuff' you can stuff away before it starts to stuff you up!

Ok, that's a lot of 'stuff' in one sentence, but you get what I'm trying to say...

Suppressing your feelings

If you learnt how to suppress your feelings as you were growing up, and stuff them down inside of you instead of expressing them as you feel them, sooner or later they will have to come out in some shape or form.

The problem is that by this time the feelings have usually warped and transformed into something much bigger than it orginally began as and is much more difficult to deal with.

After holding it in for so long the way you voice your feeling may come out as an accusation, complaint, criticism, whining or just plain old drama.

Under attack!

Your partner then feels attacked, caught unaware and unprepared to deal with this outburst and may then become defensive and withdraw or attack back.

This then leaves you feeling even more angry because you don't feel heard.

Loop the loop

How many times have you been round this loop and gotten increasingly more frustrated and stuffed more of your feelings away in order to avoid the confrontations, only for the stuff to eventually come out anyway?

The fact is, if these are the results you are coming up against time and again, it may well be the way you are communicating your feelings.

Shut down

You may think that you are offering useful and helpful advice, but if you are not talking about your feelings and are just telling your partner what they have done wrong to hurt and upset you and what you want from them, these are really just your opinion and solutions to your own frustration and discontent.

Your partner hears it as them being at fault and being told what to do and will shut down to it, which may leave you feeling resentful, hurt, confused and unloved.

Setting boundaries

It may be that you need to work on setting healthy boundaries for yourself on what you are willing and not willing to accept.

If you are not happy about doing something, learn how to politely and assertively say no. Don't do things you don't want to do and then get angry about it later.

What don't you want?

Learn how to talk about what you don't want rather than asking for what you want.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but if you can say what you don't want, you are not asking or demanding anything of your partner or making them feel pressured into doing anything for you.

Rather you are letting it be known what is not acceptable and laying down the boundaries within which you will feel safe and happy.

Your partner will feel more comfortable as they know where they stand with you and will have more respect for you.

Feel your feelings

When you are communicating with your partner avoid blame and stick to the real feelings. Be willing to feel your feelings and own them, these may be mad, bad, sad, glad, scared, confused, lonely...etc.

Learn to recognise what these feelings are in your body and tune into them, rather than push them away.

Yoga and meditation can be useful ways to tune into your body, get in touch with your feelings and relax your body mind system so you can see things more clearly.


Open yourself to learning

Rather than being accusing and attacking and angry, try to explore the feeling fully and express it in it's purest form.

Instead of yelling why didn't you call me? You never listen! Or you always do this! Try finding the feeling and saying, I feel unimportant, unheard, frustrated, what do you think?

Open yourself up to learning about your own and your partner's feelings and work as a team to get through it because you are both in this relationship together.

Love is freedom

Today I was reading an entry I wrote in my diary earlier this year where I said, 

'...you cannot hold onto love, love is freedom. 

You need to feel, and be, free to truly love.'

So often we can become so frightened in love that we do the very opposite.
We try to hold on, we try to control and we break the very thing we love in order not to lose it.

 It also made me think of the lyrics from this Mumford and Sons song, 

'Sigh No More.' 

'Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design,
An alignment to cry,
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be.'

Imagine clenching your fists really tightly as if you are holding onto something. 

How do you feel in your body? 

Now unclench your fists and turn your hands palm up and just let yourself feel

the difference of allowing yourself not only to let go, but to be open to receiving
and accepting whatever the world has to give you.

Brilliant Rumi quote.

I love this quote...

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."
— Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi