What Keeps You Alone?

I was listening to this brilliant song by Fink today, which expresses so clearly his pain around an awareness that he has a defence mechanism - which he refers to in his lyrics as 'the thing' - that actually keeps people away, including the one he loves. 

This Is The Thing - Fink

I don't know if you notice anything different.
It's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long
And I don't know if you even notice at all
That I'm long gone

And the things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And the things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

I don't know if you notice anything missing
Like the leaves on the trees or my clothes all over the floor
And I don't know if you even notice at all
'Cause I was real quiet when I closed the door

And there are things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And there are things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

And I don't know if you notice anything different
I don't know if you even notice at all.


Life or death...

I think it's very powerful that he talks about staying 'alive', because in moments of stress, or when we feel threatened, our bodies do get triggered in a fight or flight state where we are in a state of survival.

We can feel like we are in a life or death situation even though rationally this may not be the case.

We all have a 'Thing'...

We all have a 'Thing' or 'defence mechanisms', these are the behaviours we have learnt to keep people away from our really soft, vulnerable parts. To a certain extent we need these 'things' in order to feel safe in the world, but some of these will serve us better than others.

For example, it may be a quick wit, sharp sense of humour, self deprecation or extreme assertiveness which could actually serve you very well socially and be seen almost as who you are and your personality to the people who know you.

However, it could also be anger, withdrawal or arrogance, which may work at keeping people away and thus the perceived threat they bring, but it may also shut out the people we do want to draw close to us.

It's hard to kick a dog when it's down...

When we have been hurt in the past, we can struggle with being vulnerable. But it's worthwhile to know that it is actually very difficult to attack a person when they are being honest and vulnerable with us.

And if someone does takes advantage of your vulnerability when you show it to them, you can be sure this is not a person you want to be in a longterm relationship with anyway.


What keeps you alone?

It's important to be aware of the 'thing' we 'do' and when it really is safe to let down our walls and show our true selves so we can connect with each other authentically.
 
Perhaps without knowing it, we keep ourselves apart from the ones we love in order to keep ourselves safe, but at the same time we keep ourselves alone... 

You are NOT listening to me!!

If you think you know how to listen, then maybe have a think about what listening is not and then see if you still think you are a good listener...

Listening is NOT:

• Looking at the other person, nodding, looking like you are listening, but really having our own inner conversation with ourselves in our heads about what we think about what this person is saying and effectively judging this person.

• Whilst the other person is talking, listening to see how we can direct the conversation according to our own agenda.

• Listening to see if you agree or disagree with what the other person is saying to us.

• Waiting for the other person to finish so then we can get to say what we think and our point of view.

• Being excited to keep bantering back and forth and be as funny, impressive and witty as we can be.

• Trying to get the conversation to go where you want it to go, so you get your needs met.

• Not giving the other person space to think about what they are trying to say to you.

Listening is...

• One of the most important, if not THE most important skill you will need to develop, maintain and nurture your relationships. 

•  A chance for you to really get to know your partner and build a level of trust and understanding that goes beyond words.  

• Accepting, empowering, empathising, supporting and loving.

Philosophical Positions on Emotions... HAPPINESS

* See previous post for preamble.

Episode 3: Epicurus on Happiness

According to Epicurus the three components neccessary for happiness are as follows:

1) Friends

Epicurus even went so far as to buy a house and invite all his friends to live in it with him.

He felt it was not enough to just have casual meet ups and social gatherings, he believed he needed to live with them to be happy.

He was of the disposition that every meal should be eaten in the company of others. One should never dine alone.

2) Freedom

Epicurus believed that to be happy a man should be free and not at the mercy of a boss and paycheck.

Practicing what he preached, he moved out of the city with his group of friends and they lived very humbly, growing their own food and not worrying about what other people thought of them and what they owned or wore.

3) Reflection

Finally Epicurus believed that to be truly happy a man needed to take time out of his everyday life to reflect and analyse his life.


Here comes the connection...

In our relationships:

1) Friends

I totally agree with this one. Although maybe not living with them in your relationship - That would be a different subject completely!

In modern society we very much look to our partners to meet all our needs and very often are left wanting.

The saying 'it takes a village to raise a child' is grounded in a very relevant truth. We so often have so little support during this very challenging time.

It's not healthy to go into 'lock in' mode when you are in a relationship and zone out all your friends.

You need your friends around you to give you things your partner can't ie. a good old gossip or moan, or shopping partner.

You friends help you to keep things in perspective and remind you of who you are beyond the relationship. They keep you in touch with reality and your sense of self.

2) Freedom

I couldn't agree more. In our relationships we need to feel free rather than held back or tied to a ball and chain.

Together you are more than a sum of your parts. You have the trust and security to come together and be apart, to grow individually and as a couple.

You know that there is always someone at home, or at the other end of the phone, who has your back and wants the best for you.

That knowledge gives you the freedom to go out into the world and do everything you need to do knowing that if anything goes wrong your partner will be right there by your side.

3) Reflection

In our relationships, we would find it a whole lot easier to be happier more of the time if we regularly took time out to reflect.

Therapy is very much a time for reflection, where we can step out of the moment together and look at the issues presented from a different perspective.

It is during this time that we can reconnect with each other and ourselves and check in with how happy we are and how happy we want to be : )

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!! 

But remember, one last thing, happiness is on a continuum and life is ever changing.

I think what we should be striving for is more of a state of contentment than the high of being 'in love' see stage 2 of love. This phase usually only lasts for about 2 years before the 'in love' feeling fades.

We cannot rely on another person to make us happy, this is something that comes from within.

Our relationships only serve to enhance everything we already feel and know to be true of ourselves.

Philosophical Positions on Emotions... LOVE

* See previous post for preamble.

Episode 2: Schopenhauer on Love

As you can imagine, I was most interested in this episode, but rather disappointingly for me Schopenhauer's philosophy revolves very much around the sad science of love my left brain already knows very well.

Schopenhauer's philosophy centres around the notion that love and our drive to find a mate is nothing more than the 'will to life'.

Basically, biologically love is the only 'trick' that will keep us procreating and keeping our species alive.

Schopenhauer himself led a rather singular life and had difficulty attracting attention from the ladies.

Although he did have a 10 year relationship with one woman, he refused to marry her and didn't ever find himself in a secure relationship his entire life. 

The Science of Love...

The science of love pretty much supports Schopenhauer's philosophy outlining 3 stages to love:

1) Lust

Testosterone and Oestrogen - the sex hormones which drive us to chase after the object of our desire.

2) Attraction

Adrenalin, dopamine and seratonin - this is the bit where we feel high, excited, obsessed, unable to eat or sleep, basically what we would call being 'in lurve'. We feel invincible, like we can conquer the world in this stage!

3) Attachment

Oxytocin and vasopressin - and this is the bit where we bond after sex. Our body is filled with the hormones that make us a bit woozy and happy/content. This is the stage where all you want to do is stay home and watch movies together and cook and become domestic wombles.

Schopenhauer suggests after these 3 stages have been completed and we have been tricked into reproducing with our partners and are joined together for life, we suddenly now realise how much we dislike each other!


Here comes the connection...

In my work with relationships, attachment is the stage where any problems in a couple's dynamic will start to emerge.

Once the initial high and 'honeymoon' period passes the couple are moving into a more settled phase of their relationship.

When either partner feels their attachment is threatened they may display behaviours that damage the relationship and the couple begin to disconnect, which is very painful for both parties.

For example, if one person feels jealous their partner is spending too much time with someone else, they may get angry and shout at their partner, which either makes their partner shout back, withdraw or leave.

Or there may be tussles around space. A person may be used to a lot of time alone and having come out of the second stage of almost obsession where they had to see each other and be together all the time they now feel more secure and content and want to revert back to their old ways.

Their partner may not understand this sudden need for space and find it threatening or a rejection of them and so may react by shouting, crying, clinging, whining, or withdrawing, all of which will damage the relationship.

Finally, if you click on this link: The science of love you will find this funny exercise below.

It really does make a mockery of romance.

Honestly, I'm not quite sure I like it. I still want to believe in love, which is more than just science!!

How to fall in love...

• (1) Find a complete stranger.
• (2) Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
• (3) Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
  
  'York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, has been studying why people fall in love.

He asked his subjects to carry out the above 3 steps and found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment.

Two of his subjects later got married.'

Philosophical Positions on Emotions... ANGER

Taking a philosophical position in many ways is linked to a skill we try to encourage the development of in therapy, relationships and life generally which is taking a meta-position.

That is to try to stand outside of the situation and look in on it as an outsider to gain another perspective.

Lately, I've been catching up on documentaries I've been meaning to watch on 4OD and I found this series quite interesting:  Philosophy: A guide to Happiness.

In the following blog posts I will break down what I got from each episode...the crib notes if you like and how we can apply these philosophies to our relationships.

Episode 1: Seneca on Anger

This one is kind of funny, I think...Seneca proposes that our anger comes from disappointment that our expectations are not met.

He suggests we take a more pessimistic viewpoint on life and prepare ourselves for the worst every morning.

In that way we will never be caught off guard and feel angry and let down that things did not go the way we planned or hoped.

Seems kind of odd as we are taught always to try to look at the 'bright side of life', be optimistic and positive.

Here comes the connection...

I'm smiling as I write this next bit, because I'm thinking how we can apply this to our romatic relationships?

I guess if this is the premise, if we always prepare ourselves for the worst and expect the least of our partners and relationships, we will never be surprised, disappointed, hurt, betrayed, angry, upset, cheated or heartbroken!!

Hmm, I wonder if this philosophy is really going to work?!!

I guess if we expect to be cheated on and betrayed, let down, disappointed, neglected, shouted at, ignored, we can't ever be caught off guard and react badly/angrily.

If we already saw all these bad treatments coming, we won't be surprised so we can just shrug it off and move on to the next relationship unscarred, or soldier on in the same relationship unbothered!!

If this philosophy actually worked in practice, I think I'd be out of business : )

I'm right and you're wrong!

When we get caught up in arguments with our loved ones, it can be all too easy to zone in on the content of the disagreement and in your head forage out the last decade's worth of supporting facts, figures and evidence to lend validity to your case.

However, in therapy I don't care about how many minutes late she was, or the number of times he looked at another woman on the bus, or any of the minute details that can really become central talking points to major conflict in relationships.

Process vs Content

I'm interested in the process not the content...

What happens when you fight? How does it escalate? What are you really trying to say and achieve? Who does what in your conflict cycle and what is the result of that?

Is it really about the number of minutes you were late, or if you were looking at someone else?

Or is your argument about a deeper anxiety that perhaps when your partner was late you were not sure they were going to show up for you?

Do you get what you want?

Or when you caught your man checking out a girl on the bus maybe it triggered off insecurities that he is not attracted to you anymore, or thinks she is prettier than you...?

When you launch into your dissection of your partner's behaviours, recognise this is what you are doing and how this is going to affect your relationship longterm.

How do you think proving you are right and your partner is wrong will get you more of what you are really asking for...reassurance, security, safety, love?

Dr Susan Johnson says,

'The desire to win the fight and prove the other is the bad guy has such a pull but in fact nobody wins this one, both lose... proving the other wrong, just pushes you further and further apart. The temptation to be the winner and to make the other admit she is at fault is just part of the trap.

When you begin to pin down this dance as it is happening rather than getting meaner and meaner or searching for proof in endless versions of facts or incidents. If you want to, both of you can come together to stop this enemy taking over your relationship.

No-one has to be the bad guy, the accuse/accuse pattern itself is the villain here and the partners are the victims.'

Stop looking for facts, figures and proof to back up your argument.  Stop relentlessly trying to prove that your partner is wrong and bad, and you are right and good.

Because when it comes to love, when one of you wins, you both lose.

How dare you be so defensive!

Very often we can get caught up in this talk around being 'defensive'.

Such and such is SO defensive. What is their problem?

We can become very affected by it and try to battle it out in sometimes challenging and maybe for them quite threatening ways.

'What's wrong with you? I only asked you a question! Why are you being so defensive? There you go again, putting up your walls!'

Clinical psychologist and family therapist Dr Peter Rober (1999) says this,

'Personally, I don't see client's responses as defensive, but merely as protective. This is an important distinction. The term "being defensive" has a strong negative connotation, and implies that people shouldn't be defensive.

The term "being protective," however, refers to the fact that peopls have a right to be cautious and to take good care of themselves and others. It implies that we all have our vulnerable parts, which demand concern and respect, and that's why I think it is best to accept the client's protective responses.'

Perhaps if we can stop and recognise that everyone has a history and perhaps have a need for certain 'protective' behaviours in order to make themselves feel safe, we can begin to understand and accept others for who they are so they will feel comfortable to let down their walls and begin to let us in...

I Need Some Space!!!

Has your partner ever come to you and said, 'I need some space?'

How did you take that and interpret that in terms of you and your relationship?

Did you totally freak out and think to yourself right then, this is the beginning of the end of this relationship, or did you get very angry and refuse to allow them their space and threaten to end it?

Space can be a very scary and uncertain concept and difficult to manage at the best of times.

We all need space...

To learn and grow, very often we need to be on our own and have the space to do that...to figure out what it is we really want away from the pressure of society and well meaning friends and family.

That's not to say you can't be in a relationship to learn and grow, it is something you can do together in terms of learning about each other and how to be in a relationship together.

However, when it comes to personal growth, that is something that will also feed back into your relationship as you grow stronger and more self aware and assured within yourself.

Are you and your relationship secure enough to tolerate space?

How you tolerate space can make or break a relationship.

You and your partner have to be strong enough and secure enough, both in yourselves and in your relationship to be able to manage, negotiate and tolerate space, separation and individual growth.

I love this quote by Maturana (1992) which describes love as:

'Opening space for the

existence of another.'

Ok wow. How amazing is that? I know, it's very Zen, but isn't it true?

And how easy is it to forget that amongst all the fears and insecurity that can arise when you become attached to someone. It can be a natural inclination to want to hold on too tight at times.

If your partner is personally unhappy in their life, they may need to take steps to change that which may be threatening to you.

The changes may require space, energy and time invested in other parts of their life, such as studying for a course/re-training, new work commitments, travel, or just more time alone.

I would argue that being together and in love and happy is not the difficult part of a relationship, it is balancing, negotiating and managing the separation and space between these moments that requires most of our thought and attention.

Give each other space...

If your partner asks for space, give it to them.

That is what they need to grow and develop their sense of self, it is not personal to you. Show you care by respecting and supporting that need.

Relationships are about togetherness and separateness; being together and being apart; sharing and difference...

Giving each other the space to grow and become all that we can possibly be...individually and together.

Be Soft.

I thought the below summary of attachment theory so beautifully captured the crux of many relationship difficulties.

I read this out to a family I am working with last night and the son said, 'nail on head'.

'According to attachment theory, every person has a strong need to be accepted and loved, and they seek a secure relationship in which each person is emotionally accessible and responsive to these needs. These needs are referred to as attachment needs (Johnson, 2004). 

...if the attachment bond is threatened a person will respond with a display of emotions in an attempt to restore the attachment bond. 

Problems arise when—out of a perceived lack of emotional safety—a partner expresses secondary, harsh emotions such as anger rather than softer, primary emotions such as fear or loneliness. 

Secondary emotions tend to distance others, getting the individual less of what he or she needs—emotional closeness.'

Excerpt from: 'What Clients of Couple Therapy Model Developers And Their Former Students Say About Change, Part 1: Model-Dependent Common Factors Across Three Models.'

Sean D. Davis and Fred P. Piercy in Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. (July 2007. P.318-343)

Vulnerability

Wow. This talk was amazing. Watch it:

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
 
Brene Brown is a 'researcher/storyteller' who studies human connection -- vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame -- our ability to empathize, belong, love.

In a poignant, funny talk at TEDxHouston, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

x