You are the host to your life...

Dr Brenda Shoshanna in her book Fearless: The 7 Principles of Peace of Mind talks about her observations of a Japanese Tea ceremony and the high attention to detail paid between the host and guest.

In the ceremony she recognises how respectful, appreciative and thankful the relationship is between the host and the guest.

The Host...

The host's job is to take care of the guest, pay attention to them, show appreciation of their presence, to give and to offer their generosity.

The Guest...

The guest's job is to receive the kindness of host, show their appreciation and reciprocate the respect extended to them by the host.

We are hosts to our own lives...

She looks at this host-guest relationship and extends it to a metaphor of us being as a host, and everything we feel and experience as the guest.

We are the hosts to our own lives. The host is the body that remains, the guests come to visit for a period of time, but then leave again.

I really love this idea, because I think it is so empowering and really gives you back a sense of control and peace with the world and the way things are.

You are in control...

When you look at life in this way, where you are the host and everything else is just passing through, you are the one in control.

You are not at the mercy of the world and being blown around by life like a leaf in the wind.

Different moments will come to you as your guests which you experience and attend to and then they leave and you let them go.

All guests will leave...

These guests could be different relationships, feelings of pain, sadness, fear and loss, or joy, happiness, excitement, love.

All these guests will come into our lives to visit us and then once again leave when we have spent enough time with them to accept what they are bringing us.

In Brenda Shoshanna's book she talks about a Zen saying which goes like this,

'When they come, we welcome,

when they go, we do not pursue.'

What a great expression! It gives us complete freedom to accept and ironically release our compulsion or need to control.
   
Nothing lasts forever...

Life is always in a state of change and flow, everything is transient and impermanent, coming and going, nothing lasts forever.

However, just as we cannot hold onto the good times forever, the bad times are also temporary and will change and pass on too.

Change is not loss or failure, it's life...

How do we experience change? If we can allow change, expect it, not fight it and in fact enjoy it, our journey will be a lot less painful and difficult. 

The art of loving and relationships is all about accepting change.

Fear of loss and change in relationships is a big issue for a lot of people and prevents them from allowing things to progress on in the way they are meant to.

Don't treat pain as an intruder... 

When we experience difficult feelings, don't try to fight them and push them away.

We may not like what they are bringing us, but it may be something we need to hear or learn.

Do not treat them as intruders, invite them in as a valued visitor who has something to offer and share with us through their presence.

What is pain trying to tell us?

Spend time with them and give them your attention. Find out what they are here to bring to you, what message they have to give us, what their purpose is in our lives?

The more we try to ignore what they are here to tell us, the longer they will stay and the louder they will shout and the more it will hurt till we listen to them.

Stay with the feeling, don't run away from it...

People often try to escape feelings of fear and loneliness by getting into relationships or using addictions to numb out the pain.

However difficult it is, try to remain in the moment with these feelings and just accept them and allow yourself to feel them completely without resistance and you will find they will just go.

This process will clear out and release all the trapped painful emotions in your body and mind system and clarity will come to you.

Emotions can mutate...

It is very important to release painful emotions and feelings from your body, because if they are repressed for too long they can mutate into physical problems that are much more difficult to treat.

Chinese acupuncturists will tell you that anger is stored in the liver, fear and anxiety in the kidneys, sorrow in the lungs, rumination in the spleen and excessive joy in the heart.

I didn't know this as a child, but only in retrospect did I realise that my father was chronically angry and because he was unable to express and release these feelings he ended up with liver cancer and passed away at the age of 55 having never touched a drop of alcohol a day in his life.

The host is powerful...

When we think of a host, perhaps we think of a subservient role, but in fact the host has a lot of power and is able to provide structure and direction to the guest.

There will always be some guests we like, enjoy and appreciate more than others, however, it is important to acknowledge the value of every experience they bring, for these are gifts that enable us to keep growing and learning more about ourselves everyday.

Be a doormat, it will opens doors for you...

Here is a simple piece of common sense advice that will serve you well in your life, saving you years of headaches, heartaches and conflict!

Be a doormat...

Yes, I said it. Be a doormat.

By that I don't literally mean have no self respect or self worth, lay down and let people walk all over you.

What I mean is, when your partner asks you for something and it is within your means to do so, give it to them.

Give people what they want.
 
Justin Sterling from the Sterling Institute of Relationships says this, 

'Give your partner what they want,

when they want it, no more, no less.'

This advice goes for friends and family as well as romantic relationships.

When people ask you for something it's usually because they genuinely want and/or need it, they are not asking to be difficult or controlling, or to test you.

If you are in a healthy, committed relationship with someone you respect and trust, who you know is a good person with good intentions, they won't be trying to be unreasonable, or asking you for something that is unreasonable.

If it's not a big deal, don't make it a big deal...

Perhaps it's that they ask you to not be late to an event that is important to them, or to call them before a certain time at night, or to let them know what you are doing in the week so that you can make plans.

If it is not that big of a deal to you, but it means a lot to them, give them what they want, when they want it. No more, no less. No questions asked.

The no more, no less thing is important, here's why.

Don't give less...

Don't give less than what is asked for, this is crucial.

They will feel like you are being calculating and spiteful and only giving in to them begrudgingly.

Not only will it make them UNhappy, it will annoy them even more than if you didn't give them what they wanted at all.

Don't give more...

And don't give more than what is asked for either.

When you give too much, you are giving away your self worth and they will not respect you for it.

They may feel overwhelmed and smothered and get the sense that you are trying too hard and are too needy, insecure and dependent.

They may end up really treating you like a doormat and taking you for granted.

What do I get out of it?

Ok, ok, I hear you saying, are you crazy? What are you talking about?!!

Why should I?!!

What do I get out of it?!!

I can't just give them whatever they want, whenever they want it, they will think I'm a pushover!!!

...But will they? Really? 

If this is someone you are in a loving connected relationship with, do you think that when you do what they ask you to, and give them what they ask you to give, they are secretly laughing at you behind your back saying, hahaha! That such and such is a major loser, they just do whatever I say!

Or do you think that they will be genuinely touched at your responsiveness to what they have asked you for and your co-operation with their request?

Do you think perhaps it is more likely they will say to themself, wow this person is truly amazing and really does care about me...?

People respond to you, the way you respond to them...

When you give someone what they ask for they will be happy. They will feel heard, respected, appreciated, connected, loved, grateful and satisfied.

And...

This is the bit in answer to your question of what do I get?

...You get the same in return! 

They will feel so loved and special to you, that they will want to give the same back to you...

When you want it.

How you want it.

And with a cherry on top!

Being a 'doormat' will open all kinds of doors to you, as your partner will recognise your sensitivity and responsiveness to them and want to give you everything in return.

Final word of warning...

Two points here to consider:

1) Giving your partner what they want should not be too hard. If this is someone you respect and care for, giving them what they ask for should be something that helps to promote more connectedness and trust between you.

If you have tried to work on this together and it is too hard, it may be that you are just not compatible.

2) If you are with someone who you are already giving everything they ask for, when they ask for it, and it still never seems to be enough, there may be some deeper issues at the core of this for them.

Perhaps they have some unresolved emotional trauma in their past they need to take a look at for themself in therapy rather than draining you of your resources.

It is not your responsibility to make another person happy, as this is more like an unhealthy co-dependent relationship where neither of you is really happy and free.

It ain't what's good that counts...

What makes a relationship successful?

It depends what you mean by success, but when I look at the most successful relationships around me, I observe a very important factor in common with all of these couples. 

They often don't have the most dynamic, exciting, breath taking relationships.

They probably wouldn't make very good movies.

But they are easy, comfortable, stable and pleasant to be around.

There is very little unneccessary drama.

I quantify the success of a relationship here as being a satisfying and secure relationship that has sustained throughout time.

It doesn't matter how much you like someone...

The thing is it's not about how good it is when it is good.

Or how much you like, fancy, admire or adore each other.

These are the things that make the tough times worth it of course, but these can also be the things that make it so difficult to see the reality of the situation you are in.

When it's good it's great, no problem...

It doesn't matter how much you like someone, or how great it is when it's good...because when it's good between you, that's great, there is no problem, there is nothing to be concerned about.

However, that's not going to be what gets you through.
 
It is inevitable that there will be bad times in and amongst all these good times and that is what will really show what you are made of.

It's about what's good when it's bad...

It's not about what's good when it's good, that's never an issue. What is actually most important is how good you are together when its bad, that is really going to get you through.

Highs and lows...

If your relationship is like a huge pendulum swinging from massive highs to crashing lows, it's likely you are caught in one of these situations where the good is so amazing that you want to stay and fight for it in spite of how terrible it is when you are low.

However the highs are usually so high, because they are coupled with devastating lows and over time this is going to wear out even the most committed romantics.

The best love stories won't make it to Hollywood...

How you manage your bad times, crises and lows will be the best indicator of the long term success of your relationship.

The best love stories won't make it to Hollywood, because they will be mostly low drama, efficient, co-operative and quick when it comes to dealing with conflict and generally all round pretty stable affairs.

Drama comes from the ego...

It's always been my opinion that the truest romance and most authentic love emerges within these stable, safe conditions of a relationship anyway.

All the rest of the drama is just superficial and ego led and usually you will find is just a flowers and chocolates disguised attempt to avoid real commitment.

Love comes from the heart...

The ego likes to throw out drama to get a reaction, to feel powerful, to create excitement.

True love comes from the heart.

If you both come to each other from your hearts and not your egos, the good will be good and the bad will be good, because this is real love.

And love is going to be what really gets you through in the end.

Vulnerability

I'm loving this song right now by Marina And The Diamonds...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_oMD6-6q5Y&feature=player_embedded

It's so ironic that we are taught to be strong and invulnerable to survive in society, yet it is our very vulnerability that makes us so beautiful and loveable. 

If we don't let people in to see our vulnerability, we don't let them in to love us. 

We think we are doing this to survive, but it's counter-intuitive because we need love to survive. What a catch 22!

This song really resonates for me, I've got it on repeat : )


I Am Not A Robot

You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop.

What's your pay off?

If you are stuck in a place of pain, I want to ask you, why are you choosing to stay here? 

We choose suffering... 

We all make choices, whether consciously or not, and being in pain and suffering is one of them.

I have a client whose partner ended their relationship a year ago. He was unable to move on and was in a lot of pain asking what he did wrong and how he could have made the relationship work.

After seeing him for 6 weeks and exploring these questions together, I finally asked what his pay off was for staying in this place. He was shocked, he said he didn't realise he was making a decision to stay here in so much pain.

What is your pay off?

When we looked at what his pay off was, he realised even though he was hurting so badly, it meant that he could hold onto this relationship with his ex.

Moving on and letting go of the pain really meant letting go of her and the relationship, and he didn't want to do that because he wasn't ready to.

And that's ok, sometimes it takes us a while to feel ready to let go and grieve something that was and perhaps still is really precious and meaningful to us. What is important is recognising that this is what we are doing and that we have a choice to also work on letting go.

When I suggested writing to her or trying to talk to her, he also didn't feel he could do it. Again because taking this step meant facing the possible reality that it was really over if she rejected him again and this was what he was trying to avoid.

Consciousness is a ticket out of depression...

I think looking at the pay off is useful because if we recognise this is what we are choosing, we have consciousness of what we are doing.

From this place we can make more conscious decisions about what we want to do to move forward or indeed even stay where we are till we feel ready.

Pain feels much more scary, overwhelming and out of control when we don't realise that we are choosing this. Knowing we can let it go when we are ready can be a huge relief and a ticket out of depression...

We can choose to stay in a place of pain, but in the same way it's also up to us when we choose to let go of the pain and open ourselves up to new opportunities and possibilities for the future.

What are you avoiding?

If you are in a painful place today, ask yourself, what is your pay off for staying here? What are you avoiding having to face and deal with?

Perhaps on the converse you are in a relationship that is not quite right for you, but you are choosing to stay and be unhappy because you are afraid to be alone.

Another client I had was separated from her husband, but was still trying to make the relationship work by doing everything that he demanded including coming to therapy on her own.

Why would you choose powerlessness?

When I asked if she was able to talk to him directly about what he wanted, why he was so angry, how she could help him, what he needed, if he still really wanted a divorce, or if he wanted to try and make it work, she said she couldn't do it.

I asked her why she was choosing to stay in such a powerless position? What was her pay off for being in a relationship where she had no voice?

When we looked at this together, she realised she couldn't ask these questions because it meant having to confront the possibility that the relationship was over and she wasn't ready to face that, so she was just going to stay in this place as long as possible and soldier on.

What is your position?

I'm not saying it's easy to get over the endings of relationships and that you should just deal with it, 'choose' to be happy and move on. Or indeed even that you should just accept it is over if that is not what you want.

The real question I'm asking you is what position are you taking and why? Are you staying in a position of pain, powerlessness, unhappiness? Why? What is your pay off?

The clients I talked about above, were both in positions of painful, powerless, limbo really where they were not able to take any action to move towards any outcome for fear of what that might mean.

What do you choose?

In looking at the position they were 'choosing' to take, they are now able to empower themselves to once again make conscious choices about what they want to do either way, rather than feel stuck in a place of sadness and despair.

Be aware that we make choices all the time and as much as you choose pain, you can also choose happiness, freedom and inner peace.

Dating in your 30s...

Dating in your 20s and 30s, particularly for women, is a totally different ball game. Namely, women have a biological imperative that is a reality if children are on the cards.

Fearful facts...
 
Research tells us that a woman's fertility rate drops by 50% by the age of 35 and the older you are, the more difficult a pregnancy you are likely to experience.

Faced with all these frightening facts, it's difficult not to get caught up in the hysteria that begins to become attached to dating.

Every man is a potential father of your children, sperm donor, heathy dna match...!!! Poor guy! Hardly a turn on, or precursor to romance is it?

Dating in your 20s...

Dating in your 20s is all about freedom, experimentation, hedonism, living in the moment, drama and angst, romance and idealism, fun and inconsequence...hope essentially. Hope for the Hollywood dream and everything you ever wanted as a little girl reading fairy tales.

Dating in your 30s...

Dating in your 30s is a much more pragmatic affair. Forget about the dream, it hasn't happened and we don't have time to mess about anymore.

Does he have a steady income and a clean CRB check? Does he want children? Does he want marriage? Yes to the above, fine, let's get on with it.

I'm not saying all 30 something women want these things in a man. Indeed, marriage and children might not be something that appeals to you, but there's no denying that it is a societal life stage that kicks in around this decade of our lives.

Ready to settle down, not ready to settle...

Just because you may have reached an age where you are anxious to settle down, it may not be wise to settle for someone you are fundamentally incompatible with.

The problems will all surface over time and if your partner is not a good match for you, the reality of it is that you will have your children together and struggle, which will not be a healthy happy environment for anybody.

Then your children will grow up and leave home and you will be left with a sperm donor you really have not much in common with! Perhaps that's too cynical a viewpoint, but essentially I'm saying choose someone for who they are, because that is what you are really signing up for.

Step away from womb watch and baby brain madness!!

In and amongst the madness of societal pressure and biological urgency, I would encourage you to consider the importance of the decision you are making for your future.

Try to step away from the pressure of womb watching and baby brain and remember you are choosing a life partner, not just someone to randomly procreate with.

Find an authentic connection...

It's going to be a tough job raising a family and the person you choose to do this with will make all the difference in how hard or easy this is.

How well you are able to communicate, support each other and work together is really important, as this is what you will need to get through the really difficult times.

Start from a place of authentic connection and work your way towards where you would like to go from there.

Don't settle...

Just because you are ready to settle down doesn't mean you should settle for someone who is not able to meet your emotional needs.

Wait for the right person for you because when he comes along, you will be in alignment and it will all happen quickly and organically from there.

Q & A - Sexual tension.

Hi Priscilla,

I have a question……how do you pour cold water over the situation when the tension is just too strong? 

 Meeting with the guy I'm seeing for our third date tomorrow before he goes away on Thursday for two weeks. But even on the bbm its lots of innuendos and suggestions. We match in that sense…LOL. We are so hot for each other, but I don't want to go so fast or sleep with him too soon and get attached.

Also any ideas for where to go on the date? Ahaaaa perhaps theatre show or bowling? What do you think?

Yours, 

Excited.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Excited.

Thank you for your email.

I suggest you let him decide on where to go on your date. You are the one he is trying to convince and woo remember, so don't be so 'nice' and 'considerate' at this stage. Plenty of time to be nice to your husband later : )

Secondly, you can't pretend the sexual tension is not there, so just acknowledge it.

Feel what you feel, accept that is how you feel and say it out loud to him so it is not an unspoken tension/conflict anymore. By doing this you regain control over what you want to do about it, instead of feeling controlled by your feelings.

So, when you feel it, or when you see him and the timing is right, make a joke, hahaha, we are like desperate to jump each other's bones, the sexual tension is ridiculous isn't it?!!

Then suddenly the power of this unspoken tension is released and what you want to do with this is all in your hands and not some kind of crazy, out of control, sexual madness between you. Plenty of time for that stuff when you are really ready and want to move things forward.
 

Because you are being authentic and honest about how you feel in a non-threatening fun way, he will respect you and be totally shocked by how comfortable you are with your feelings.

Try it : ) let me know how it goes!!

Priscilla.

x

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wowzers! Thanks so much!

You can really hit the nail on the head and empower!

Perfect solution. Will let you know the outcome...

Yours,
Excited.

Ashley Cole, what were you thinking??!

Did you see the Cheryl Cole interview by Piers Morgan? It was heartbreaking...

We all need a rock...

I'm not talking about a diamond, although it is symbollic of what I mean. Cheryl talked about Ashley being her rock and her best friend, in and amongst all the madness, he was the one stable, calm influence in her life she could count on...and then suddenly he wasn't, and she couldn't.

When everything else in this world is crazy, unpredictable and uncertain, the one thing that keeps us sane is knowing that our partner is going to be there for us. That they are the one person that we can trust and rely on to support and care for us when we need them to.

So when you find out they have betrayed you, all that certainty is taken away from us and it shatters our belief in the safety and security we had with that person.

In terms of attachment theory we think of this person as being our 'safe haven' or 'secure base' from which we can go out into the world and explore, knowing that we have this place to return to.

Why did he do it?

Cheryl wept as she said to this day she still doesn't know what went wrong, they were so happy.

Who possibly could know the whats whys and hows except for Ashley himself? Cheryl says he never wanted the marriage to end, so perhaps even he doesn't know why he betrayed her in that way.

Helping couples recover from an affair is a common presenting problem in therapy, but is rarely the main issue. In my experience, affairs are often symptomatic of a deeper dilemma in the relationship.

But there doesn't have to be a problem...

In this case however, it's my suspicion that sometimes there doesn't have to be a problem in the relationship for a man to cheat.

This was not a case of Ashley having an emotional affair in order to get some unmet needs met. It was about pushing the boundaries, forbidden desire, excitement, titillation, sex.

Look at Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Vernon Kay, Ashley Cole, they had it all. The career, the public acclaim, the perfect wife. What more could they want? The thing is, sometimes it's just that everything CAN be too perfect.

How ironic is that? When there are issues he has affairs, and when it's too perfect he needs a bit of danger and imperfection so he cheats!

There's always more!

In this world, there's always more isn't there? A bigger game, a better title, a greater achievement, a more successful success, a younger more beautiful woman, a higher high, a more perfect perfection.

Because biologically men are programmed differently to woman, I think there doesn't always need to be a problem for them to look outside the marriage for something.

Men cheat because they CAN...

When you are a successful man, there will always be women interested in you and as long as that lasts, it feels good. Simply put, I think sometimes men cheat just because they CAN. And it's a personal choice to each individual man what he chooses to do with this choice.  

And affairs and cheating don't always have to mean the end of a relationship. They can be worked through to reach an even stronger more honest and connected relationship than before.

However, these kind of betrayals have long reaching pervasive consequences on a relationship that can sometimes haunt you forever.

We have choices...

We all have choices and if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who chooses to cheat, it's then as much your choice to choose to stay in the relationship with someone who is choosing to cheat and what that means to you.

Some people are just not able to be sexually monogomous. This doesn't mean they can't be emotionally monogomous and perhaps that is ok with you. Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett have an open relationship in that they will tell each other if they want to sleep with other people.

Betrayal is rarely about the sex itself, it's about the lying and dishonesty, so Will and Jada have come to an arrangement that works for them and does not threaten the security of their relationship.

Men who cheat, will repeat...

Sadly men who cheat, tend to repeat, so if we think about attachment theory and the importance of having that security with our attachment figure in order to be able to go out into the world and be our best selves, it is worth considering what choices we make for the sake of our hearts...

Great post on how babies change your relationships...

http://uk.specials.lifestyle.yahoo.com/mazda-mums/articles/article/how-babies-change-your-relationship

Why are you shouting at me?!

Why do people shout?
Some people just shout, that's what they do.
And some people shout because they are angry.

Why are they angry? 
Because they are frustrated.

Why are they frustrated? 
Because they don't feel heard.

I was thinking about an 11 year old girl today who is very precocious and shouts all the time. Seriously she doesn't talk, she shouts everything and it is very annoying to a lot of people.

But when I actually talk to her, she doesn't shout, she is actually quite reserved and bashful and a bit quiet in fact. I wondered why and realised, it's because she doesn't feel heard in her life.

When I listened to her and paid attention to what she was saying and asked her questions, she didn't need to shout or be precocious or difficult. She was actually very charming and cute and engaging to talk to.

I realised this shouting behaviour is not just limited to children, who are extremely powerless and voiceless in society, but also adults.

Why do we shout in relationships? 

What happens when we shout? Does the other person listen? Or do they shout louder so they can be heard over your shouting?

Eventually no-one is listening and no-one feels heard and so we shout louder and louder till there is just chaos.

Sometimes it can be good to have a blow out and get everything out of your system, but if this is generally the way you have learnt to communicate with each other on a daily basis, it may be worth looking at why you are shouting so much and perhaps taking a moment to listen and see what happens to the dynamic between you...

Communication is NOT the most important thing in a relationship...

The popular belief is that the most important thing in a relationship is communication...it's not. 

The MOST important thing in a relationship is actually connection.

It is having a strong connection that will make you want to communicate with each other and will make communicating more authentic, honest and satisfying.

Communication is the second most important thing, but we are still only communicating in order to make a connection.

When you are connected and united in your quest for a successful relationship, everything, including your communication will flow from this place easily and painlessly.

The tendency we have when things are difficult in our relationships is to want to focus on the problem and communicate communicate communicate, but it is actually much more difficult to communicate effectively when you are not connected and working together for the good of the relationship.

The difficulty and the disconnection goes hand in hand, we are often angry because we feel disconnected and therefore threatened by it. However at this point you are usually both fighting your corners and trying to prove why you are right and the other person is wrong.

This kind of communication really only serves to disconnect you even more and compound the problem as you become polarised in your positions.

If you are trying to communicate your distress the disconnection is causing you by essentially blaming the other person, it will not repair the connection, instead it will push them away.

People generally don't respond well to been stood in the firing line and attacked. Think about what it is you are upset about and then how to get to what it is that you want.

Couples who experience a ratio of 5 good interactions to 1 bad interaction, or around 80% of the time your relationship is great and 20% it's challenging, will have a greater chance of staying together.

 Look at your ratio, if you have dipped below the 80% or you are having more than 1 in 5 difficult interactions try to turn your attention to bringing up your ratio to having more good interactions.

Bring the fun and goodwill back into your relationship, move the focus from the bad stuff, to reconnecting and bringing up the ratio of good to bad interactions so you can be in a connected place to try and look at the problem together.

You need a good will account to get you through the rough times and crisis points, so keep working on paying into this so your balance is in credit.

No-one wants to put the work and effort into something that isn't worth it and the hard times are only worth fighting through, because the good times are so fun, and amazing, and plenty, and frequent in between.

Context Context Context

There is no meaning without context. Everything is contextual.

So often we forget this, yet it is so important to look at things within their context.

Social Constructionists are all about context and language shaping our meanings.

Whatever is happening in your relationship that is difficult and affecting you, is not existing in a vacuum.

What is going on in the wider context of your relationship? Has this problem always affected your relationship, or is there something else going on? What has changed in your lives since the problem began?

How has the recession affected one or both of you? How have things changed since the birth of a child? Are your children about to leave home? How do you feel about turning 30, or 40, or 50? Or how do you feel as you are about to retire? Is there something going on at your partner's work that is stressing them out?

Everything is always in context of something else. Find out what the context of the issue is before attaching a meaning to it and reacting to that. You will always be able to understand a problem better, the more information you have, start with the context and you are halfway there.

Predicting Relationship Success

In my previous post on Predicting Relationship Failure, I talked about the research findings Dr John Gottman found in the breakdown of relationhips.

In this post, I will be looking at the other end of the research. The 4 predictors of a healthy, happy relationship!

1) Repair Techniques
When you are in conflict and things get too intense it's often impossible to be rational and work things out. When couples find themself in this place but are still able to laugh at themselves and each other, thank each other for sharing their feelings, show respect for each other, take a break, call a time out, have a hug, go for a walk or say they will talk again about it the next day. These are repair techniques that disrupt the conflict from escalating and if the other person is also able to accept the repair techniques and co-operate in restoring the equilibrium then there's definitely hope.

2) Remind them you care about them 
When couples are in conflict it can be hard to see that on the other side of their pain is someone they care about. If a couple are able to still let each other know they care about each other through conflict and difficult times they are on a good path. There is a lot of power is saying 'sorry' and it's not your intention to upset them and that you really care about them because that is what they most need to hear at that time.

3) Responsiveness
A couple who check in with each other, read each other's expressions and body language, ask each other how they are feeling, are playful with each other, are always interacting, talking and listening, engaging and paying attention to each other, taking note of things the other one says and either adding to it or supporting and encouraging them, if partners are responsive to each other this is real romance in action. Responding to each other in a million different ways shows your partner, 'I'm thinking of you', 'you matter to me', 'I'm interested in you'. It is tangible and you can really feel the love between 2 people who have this dynamic between them.

4) Being friends 
Gottman's research found in a survey of divorced men and women that equally 70% of the men and 70% of the women said it was because the friendship died. If a couple have a strong friendship underpinning their relationship they have really great grounds for success. In times of crises, if a couple can look at their partner's needs and where they are in their lives and help their partner the way they would help advise a friend, despite their role and expectations of that role in their life, they are truly practising altruism and authentic love. This is the best kind of relationship.

Predicting Relationship Failure

Award winning research scientist, therapist and author  Dr John Gottman has been studying couples' relationships for over 35 years and is now able to determine with 91% accuracy whether or not a couple will still be together in 5 years by simply watching them have a 15 minute conversation about a conflict.

He highlights 4 behaviours which amount to failure of the relationship and calls these, 'The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of Marriage'!

What you will find is that these behaviours cause problems in all relationships, not just our romantic relationships, but also with our friends, family, work colleagues and everyone we meet. So it's worth taking these on board and having a behaviour check with yourself to see whether or not you do these things and how they are working for you in your relationships.


1) Being defensive
When someone is trying to share with you how they are affected by your behaviour, or talk to you about the dynamic of your relationship, being defensive is a rejection of their feelings and tells them they are wrong and their feelings are wrong.

Even if in your opinion the person is being irrational and illogical, that is how they feel and by telling them they are wrong or arguing with them about why they should not feel that way, we are not listening or showing respect for their feelings.

We all have difficult irrational feelings from time to time and this can make us feel very vulnerable to start with, so when your partner deflects your feelings it is even more painful and means we don't feel heard, accepted or even loved.

If you feel yourself becoming defensive, try to step back from the issue and be genuinely curious. Ask your partner why they are upset and be empathic and solution focused. This is not being a doormat or letting them have control over you, it is being kind and supportive and a good friend.

2) Criticising
Complaining is valid, but criticising is hurtful and destroys good will between you. No-one likes to be told they are wrong or bad, but if you have a genuine issue with something your partner did, or didn't do, as the case may be, you do have a right to bring this up and complain about it.

However  stay with the point and don't use words like, 'always' and 'never', you know what I mean, 'you never call when you say you are going to' or 'you are always late to meet me.' Is that sentence strictly true, or is it more like sometimes, or often?

Making sweeping statements is demoralising and offensive to the other person, perhaps they are just doing the best they can. Recognise the times that they have got it right and acknowledge those, then tell them why you were hurt or upset by the situation you are complaining about. Whatever the situation was, stick to what happened in that situation and don't make this into a character assasination.

3) Stonewalling
This is when you ignore and shut down to your partner. This is very painful for your partner because they are unable to get through to you and can make them feel that you don't care or you're not interested in how they feel.

The Gottman research found that 85% of people who do this are men and suggest that this is because physiologically men become more aroused than women during a conflict and shut down in order to cope with the flood of fight or flight hormones released in their bodies.

Letting your partner know this is what you need to do shows respect for their feelings and needs. Tell them you will be able to talk to them about this when you are calm and have had a bit of time and space to sort yourself out rather than just shutting them out without any indication as to what you are doing.

4) Treating each other with contempt
This is the worst behaviour of all and shows a basic lack of respect for your partner. Being condescending, sarcastic, name calling, telling them to shut up, rolling your eyes, making faces, sighing, looking away, shaking your head, preaching, teaching, patronising. I don't think I need to say too much more on this one.


* Next time... I will be looking at the 4 predictors of relationship success.

Cuddle Seats

How cute are the new cuddle seats launched by Air New Zealand?!

Flying for a lot of people can be a very anxiety provoking experience, so being able to cuddle up with your loved one and have an actual comfortable sleep on a long haul flight is a great idea!

Online Dating Tips

As promised in my previous post on online dating here are my tips...

1) Keep your email interactions short and snappy.
 The aim of online dating is not to be communicating with each other online forever, but to get out on a date and see how you get on. Anyone can be charming, funny, exciting online, you need to meet them to see how they translate in real life and see if there is any chemistry between you and an authentic connection. You will usually have a good idea within the first few minutes if there is any long term potential.

2) Keep phone calls short and snappy.
If you exchange numbers and decide to have a conversation on the phone before meeting, or perhaps to arrange your meeting, keep this brief and to the point. You may find you get along very well on the phone, but when you meet up you find there is nothing between you but now feel obliged to maintain the facade of getting along very well in person.

3) Keep first dates short and snappy.
The best idea for a first date would be an afternoon coffee or an after work drink. That way you are not tied into sitting through a whole dinner or theatre show with someone you feel absolutely no spark with. If you do get along and want to see each other again, that will be apparent and you can take it from there.

4) Go on a second date if you are not sure after the first date.
But don't go on a third date if you are still not sure after the second date. You can only flog a dead horse for so long, as they say. If there's nothing there, there's nothing there, let it go and move on.

5) Don't kiss on your first date if you intend to muti-date.
If you want to date a few different people at the same time before you decide who you are going to commit to, getting into the physical side of things too quickly can be confusing. Save your kisses for at least your second or third dates, or when the moment feels right between you.

6) Definitely don't sleep with someone till you are sure about them.  
We are designed to feel attachment and want to bond to people we have sex with, so bear that in mind. Your body can make you believe you are in love with someone, when you don't even know them yet. Also have consideration for the people you are dating and their feelings.

7) Don't fixate.
The great thing about online dating is the opportunity it gives you to multi-date; in that way providing you with options so you don't fixate on any one person. If you had a great date and there were promises made to call the next day and no phone call comes, you have a choice of other people to talk to, or arrange to meet up with. Don't be crushed by this 'no show', your potential partner could be busy or a slow burner and may take a few days or weeks before calling again. After one date it's still early days, so relax and give things the space to become what they will be.

8) Honesty is the best policy.
It may not be easy to reject people, but if you really don't feel anything or see a future with someone, don't keep them hanging on for another date with you. Setting them free to find someone who will look at them and feel about them the way you want to be able to feel and see someone is the biggest favour you can do for them. It may not feel good in the short term for either of you, but at least you are not wasting anyone else's time and you both know where you stand.

9) Have fun.
Dating should be fun and freeing so don't take it too seriously and just enjoy it. This is your time to go out and date lots of different people who you might not normally get the chance to meet. Even if you don't fall head over heels in love with the man of your dreams, remember it's the journey not the destination. You could still end up having a lot of fun and making some really good friends!

10) Keep the faith.
Don't give up hope if you have a bad date, or even a string of bad dates. It's a game of numbers, just keep getting yourself out there and remain open to opportunity, you never know what your next date holds in store for you.

Love is an action.

'We are never so defenceless against suffering as when we love.'
- Sigmund Freud

What an old romantic!

He is right though, love is both a source of pleasure and a source of pain...it is our job to somehow manage this between us in our relationships so we can learn to understand and support each other.

Love is much more than a feeling, it is an action, a verb, a commitment. It is something you give away, rather than something you take or get from someone else. Make your love the best you can possibly make it.

Monday morning blues...

'Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.'

~Leo Buscaglia

Yes mondays suck. Smile at people today, do stuff you don't need to do to help someone else out.

I can't change the world
Cos tryin' to make a difference makes things worse
It's just an observation I can't ignore
That people should smile more

-Newton Faulkner

Stressed Ouch!

Did you know...according to the Franklin Institute webpage on stress 'the term "stress" is short for distress, a word evolved from Latin that means "to draw or pull apart." The Romans even used the term districtia to describe "a being torn asunder." '

Wikipedia also suggests, 'It is a form of the Middle English destresse, derived via Old French from the Latin stringere, to draw tight.'

Isn't interesting that when we use the word 'stress' so loosely, actually we are describing being pulled tight or pulled apart, that is such a powerful image.

To think that emotionally, spiritually, however you want to think of it, this is what is happening to us when we are stressed. Imagine if this was physically visible, how scary it would be to see that happening to our bodies, yet that is the result of extended periods of stress.

It is really important to make time to de-stress, relax and reconnect with ourselves. That expression, 'unwind' seems really appropriate and relevant when we think of stress as a visual image of being pulled all out of shape, twisted and torn apart. Ouch! I think I'm going to do an hour of yoga now!

Why is it so dark?

Bastian: Why is it so dark?

Empress Moonchild: In the beginning it is always dark.

- From 'The NeverEnding Story'

I opened the door today and there were large yellow leaves on my doorstep. As the seasons change, it begins to get darker earlier, the heating is on and I have started wearing my winter scarves and boots again.

SAD or seasonal affective disorder can affect up to 10% of people and I certainly fall into this percentage. I just wanted to share one of my viewpoints on depression, as I don't believe it is always a bad thing to be afraid of.

It is a societal discourse that we 'should' spend our weekends going out and partying and being very sociable and active. As much as I do like to go out with my friends and have a good dance, I have actually really enjoyed my weekend spending lots of time in bed watching movies, eating chocolate, listening to music, writing, thinking, cleaning my room and generally catching up with myself.

We are taught by society to put on a happy face, to answer the question, 'how are you?' with the standard reply of, 'good thanks' and depression is generally given to us as a diagnosis of something being wrong.

Sometimes, depression can come as a way to make us take a break from trying so hard and being so busy with our lives. By virtue of the way it affects our bodies, we are forced to slow down, even stop and take care of ourselves for a bit.

Personally the darkest times in my life have preceeded really great new beginnings. These times of darkness or depression were neccessary for me to take the time to heal, learn and grow. There was no way I would have been able to make these transitions without going through the times of solitude and introspection that I did.

An existential argument is that the opposite of happiness is not sadness...it is boredom. As the opposite of love is not hate, but disinterest. Both of these states sit at opposing ends of the same spectrum, they are two sides of the same coin.

With one comes the other. If we are to experience happiness, joy, elation, excitement, passion, bliss, we are also to experience sadness, darkness, loss, grief, darkness, depression and misery.

The worst thing I've found you can do is try to fight it, it only prolongs the process. It is ok to feel low and sad sometimes, try to give yourself permission to feel it and lots of time and treats to comfort yourself while you are in this place. Wait it out, accept it, recognise that it will not last forever.

After darkness always comes light, after winter always come spring, after sadness always comes healing and joy as you find yourself again. Love each other and yourselves through it all.


NB. If you are seriously struggling with symptoms of depression it is important to see your Doctor for professional advice.

Walk and Talk

Had some lovely advice today from a good friend who is also a counsellor, acupuncturist and trainee midwife. She said when she has to have one of those difficult 'talks' with her partner she has learnt to go for a walk with him...

It is too easy to become overly emotional in the privacy of your home and it is better to be on neutral ground rather than at either one of your houses.

It can be distracting going for coffee as you may run into friends or people you know who will want to engage in conversation.

Restaurants can also be tricky as waiters come over and helpfully ask you whether you would like water, as is their job, however in the middle of a heated conversation this can be most unwelcome!

She suggested going for a walk in the woods. Being surrounded by nature is very soothing and you have space here to breathe and be together without any distractions of modern life.

Turn off your mobile phones and give yourselves a set amount of time, say around an hour, to hash out your issues together. Make your objective to be working towards a resolution rather than taking this as an opportunity to give each other a hard time.

Walking while you are dealing with emotional problems will also serve to release your pent up energy and give a focus to your body's fight or flight sensations that may be activated when certain buttons are pushed during your talk.

Finally, walking together doesn't have to be saved for only when you need to have difficult talks! It's also great to take walks with your partner to bond and spend time talking about good things too.

Walking together in parks, woodlands and countryside settings can help you both to reconnect with nature and each other, but with a sense of space and freedom that also works to rebalance your relationship too.

Date Night

If you live with your partner, it can be be easy to take for granted that you will see them in the house and not make time to have date nights and spend quality time together.

As you both lead busy lives you can forget to work on your relationship and this can lead to tension and arguments between you. Ironically this can set you off into a vicious circle where as you feel angry with each other, you then don't want to spend time together and do anything as a couple and your problems become entrenched.

It is important to go out on dates so you can get dressed up and make an effort for each other so you can remember what it is about the other person you were first attracted to when you met. This can help to keep the passion and desire alive in your relationship.

Around the house you are probably used to seeing each other in your dressing gown and slippers or old teddy bear pyjamas! That in itself can be quite sexy, but it is important to remind your partner every now and again that you are still a desireable hot blooded lover and keep them on their toes.

Everything in life is at its best when there is a balance. In this instance I'm talking about making sure you keep a balance between appreciating the security and comfort you have as a couple and also working on keeping the passion and excitement alive in your relationship.

When was the last time you took your partner out for a romantic meal and a walk by the Thames or surprised them with a weekend away to Paris or Rome? Or even just sat down and had a coffee and chat together and a walk in the park?

If you can just get some couple time into your diaries and reconnect with each other, everything else will become easier between you and just flow as you come at each other from a place of love rather than irritation and frustration.

Code Red!!!

It's perfectly normal to struggle with certain feelings such as jealousy, insecurity, anxiety and fear for instance, especially if in your family of origin these feelings were not openly acknowledged.

You can learn how to manage these feelings within your relationship by talking about them with your partner, who will then be able to offer you reassurance and support once they understand what you are feeling.

If you find it difficult to talk to your partner about these feelings, perhaps you could come up with a way to communicate to them that you need their help.

Sometimes you may not even know what it is that you are feeling, but you experience it as a physical sensation, either a tighening of the chest, a cold sick feeling in your stomach, rapid heartbeat and breathlessness or shakiness for example.

I suggest inventing and using code words to bring your partner's attention to the fact that you are struggling with your feelings so they can come to your aid.

For example you could say I need to wave my 'red flag' or 'code red' or 'that pings' or even just 'help me!' This will indicate to your partner that something is happening for you that you need their help to manage.

They will then be able to help you investigate your feelings by asking what is going on, how you feel, or what you are thinking or even just give you a hug until you feel able to verbalise the issue you are struggling with.

The problem with not talking about feelings is that usually as they have nowhere to go, we will 'act them out' in behaviour ranging from making snidey digs and passive aggressiveness, to affairs and full blown violence.

Either that or we will 'act in' where we think about these things over and over in our heads and become depressed, anxious and perhaps to the point where we are dysfunctional.

Before you feel yourself start to engage in any of these kinds of behaviours learn how to call 'code red' between you so you can have an open dialogue about your difficult feelings.

It is through learning to do something differently in our adult relationships that we can truly begin to heal our childhood wounds and grow and learn together both as a couple and individually.

Coping with anxiety and stress

I found this was quite a good little online self help pamphlet for information on coping with anxiety and stress.

http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/anxiety.asp

Perfect

We all have a set of standards that we live by and usually this is a good thing as it encourages us to keep aiming for something higher and continuously improve ourselves. However, there can be a point where we are too hard on ourselves and the people around us. Perhaps you grew up in a family or environment where you needed to meet a set of expectations in order to be loved or to keep the peace.

Alanis Morissette talks about this in her song 'Perfect'.

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
 
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
 
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
 
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying?
 
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are 
If you're perfect.

When you were a child if you felt that you had to be 'perfect' in order to be loved and had to learn how to keep to a set of rules, you may have subconsciously internalised these rules and continue to live by them as an adult.

Perhaps it was little things like not leaving your socks lying around or dirty dishes in the sink, or it could veer to the more extreme end of OCD levels of cleanliness.

What was the consequence of not keeping to these rules or standards as a child? Do these consequences still apply? How does it affect you if you don't keep to these rules, do you physically feel anxious and panicky? How do you feel when people around you don't follow these rules?

It may be difficult living with a person who has a different set of standards and rules for living than you and it will affect both of you. It could be helpful to think about which rules you have adopted from your childhood and which rules can be loosened now. To lessen conflict over not meeting each other's expectations, looking at these together and re-negotiating as adults can be really useful.

When it comes to cleanliness, there is a difference between good practice and neurosis, so if you feel that you may have a problem with obsessive behaviour I would recommend going to see your GP for more advice.

Anger is a secondary emotion.

I love these lyrics taken from 'Lightness' by Death Cab For Cutie.

'Instincts are misleading
You shouldn't think what you're feeling
They don't tell you what 
You know you should want...'

Anger is a secondary emotion. There is always a primary emotion that precedes anger, such as fear, disappointment, frustration, sadness, loss...sometimes it can be just too difficult and painful to deal with these softer emotions and show our vulnerability, so we default to anger which is a much more powerful place to come from.

For example a man finds it very difficult to cope when his wife is angry with him. How could he respond to his wife differently knowing that actually she isn't angry and attacking him, but feeling insecure and scared that she could lose him, the way she has perhaps lost other significant men in her life.

If we recognise anger as a smokescreen for vulnerability, we can see her anger is actually panic in response to external events that she experiences as threatening, perhaps due to past traumas. As she is unable to cope with these feelings on her own, she then 'gives' her anger and panic to him in the hopes that he will be able to help her manage them.

However he perceives her anger as an attack on him and begins to panic as well. He tries to appease her with explanations, but this only serves to infuriate her further as she feels unheard, unsupported, alone and even more vulnerable. They then spiral out of control as she becomes more and more angry in an attempts to cope with her overwhelming feelings.

When we can look past the anger to see the scared little girl asking to be comforted and loved, we can begin to see how to work towards healing, reconnection and greater understanding of each other and who we are.

NB. The purpose of this post is merely to provide an insight to what anger is and where it could come from. This is not to say the person who feels angry gets a 'get out of jail free card'. It is always their responsibility to look at why they are angry and what it is they really want and work towards reconciling these feelings for themself rather than continue damaging their relationship. More on anger as a secondary emotion here.

Unconditional Positive Regard

The Humanist Carl Rogers coined the term, 'unconditional positive regard' and he believes it is in an environment like this where we can really actualise and become whole, complete and healed individuals. The aim of this approach is not so much about fundamentally changing who we are, but rather growing and becoming who we are meant to be.

I love this concept, which is basically championing unconditional love and acceptance. It's taking a position of non-judgment and support, the best kind of friendship and relationship you could want. So often we can absorb and internalise the negative ways other people can make us feel, that we become stilted and stultified in our own skin.

If we can learn to practice this in our lives and relationships with others, so much powerful transformation is possible. If we can offer a safe and honest acceptance of people as they are, all around us we can see caterpillars turning into butterflies...

The 3 Reasons...

I believe there are mainly 3 needs or reasons to do things in life...

1) Love
2) Learning
3) Money

These 3 areas need to be met in order to feel that you are growing, satisfied and valued. If you are missing any one of these areas you may feel stuck and unfulfilled or unhappy.

You may be in a high paying exciting career, but have no time for your relationship or indeed a relationship, which may leave you feeling an emptiness at the end of the day. You may have been working in the same job for 10 years and make good money, but you don't enjoy it anymore and you are not learning anything new. You may have a great relationship and enjoy what you do and learn lots, but don't make enough money to pay your bills at the end of the month.

There are any possible number of combinations of 2 of these 3, but if you are not checking all 3 you might find it useful to take a step back and see how you could change things to make them better for yourself. It's not always possible to get all 3 needs met in one area of your life, so look to expand it. If you are in a well paid job but don't enjoy it or feel that you are learning anything anymore, perhaps you could look at taking a course in something that interests you in your spare time, or you could find some voluntary work that you would love to do.

Sometimes we can get stuck in a rut and not know what we are doing anymore, or why we are doing what we are doing and what we are doing it for. It can help to look at the reasons why we are doing what we are doing and how we can meet those other needs that are being neglected in order to achieve a more balanced contented lifestyle.

To online date, or not to online date...

5 years or so ago online dating might not have been a concept you felt too comfortable considering and certainly the whole idea was generally met with a sense of ambivalence. These days however, in our increasingly internet savvy society, it seems everyone is doing it and it's the way forward for finding your beloved.

People are busy, often too busy to meet potential partners in conventional ways and certainly when you get to a certain age, it starts to feel like everyone is coupled up, getting married and popping out babies. If you find you are still single it can be quite disconcerting to be admist all this change. Suddenly you begin moving from a place of wondrous hope and countless possibilities, to seriously worrying if you will ever find the one!

You have met all your mates' mates, and their mates' mates, and their mates' mates' mates...and suffice to say none of them float your boat. You are running out of single friends to go out 'on the pull' with you and nothing ever seems to come to fruition from those strangers you exchange numbers in bars with anyway. You are too shy to just approach people in day to day life and you are not comfortable with getting involved with people at work, 'don't sh*t were you eat' and all that. So what options are you left with?

I would say online dating is a great way to get you out of your singledom rut and back into your groove. There is something very honest and committed about the type of person who will make the effort to put in the time and money to get a profile together and do the work to email people they are interested in online. Mostly you will find people who are genuinely looking to find someone special to have a relationship with.

The point is you don't know who is out there till you get out there and have a look. And now you don't even have to get dressed up and do your hair and make up to do it, you can get out there from the comfort of your own home. After all you are fabulous and looking for love, what's to say there isn't someone as equally fabulous and single like you online right now, just waiting for you to click on 'favourite' 'like' or 'fan' by their picture...

Next time - look out for my online dating tips. xx

Babes in the woods

Today I was talking to a dear friend and fellow counsellor about the merits of arguing in a relationship.

She found out that a friend of her and her fiance had just split up with his girlfriend. The surprise she said was that she and her fiance always felt so bad about their relationship in comparison with this friend, because they would always be so proud about not fighting or arguing ever.

The way the man in this particular relationship would respond to any emotional difficulty would be to buy the woman a gift and then not talk about what was troubling her.

I wondered if his parents had done the same with him when he was a child. If he wanted their time, attention or needed some comfort or reassurance, perhaps they bought him a toy to keep him quiet and appease his emotional needs.

This couple is what we would refer to as the 'babes in the wood' couple, the couple who always agree, never argue, always get along, it's 'you and me against the world' for the babes in the wood couple.

The problem is with this kind of couple is that if there is never a problem, this is the problem, because if a couple can never express their individual needs for fear of disrupting the delicate, peaceful equilibrium they treasure between them, slowly they will begin to internalise resentments and tussle within themself the need for personal space and individuation.

We are separate and together in relationships and we need to negotiate this between us, if the boundaries are unclear you will begin to merge into each other and lose your sense of self and personal identity.

At some point something will have to give and as if out of nowhere the happiest most peaceful couple in the world may suddenly be thrown into crisis when one partner discovers the other is having an affair, has a hidden addiction or just gets up and leaves the relationship.

It's important to talk about what it is you need and want in your relationship and negotiate this between you, sometimes this may be in the form of an argument.

I think it is always better to be in a relationship where you argue and get things resolved and are actually communicating, than a dreamlike existance where you go about pretending everything is wonderful but inside you are disconnecting and trying to find ways to escape.

Meet Joe Black

I found these quotes from the film 'Meet Joe Black' really moving...

'Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.'


William Parrish: Trust, responsibility, taking the weight for your choices and feelings, and spending the rest of your life living up to them. And above all, not hurting the object of your love. 

Joe Black: So that's what love is according to William Parrish? 

William Parrish: Multiply it by infinity, and take it to the depth of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I'm talking about.

What is normal??

'I'm no exception, there's no rule. 
In the end I know you think you don't blend in, but you do.
Don't you know you're just worm food.'

I love these lines taken from the song Worm Food by Ruth Theodore.

I was having a discussion today with a fellow therapist and he said he was often surprised when he would discover that the most confident people sometimes are not quite so secure underneath it all. 

You know the popular kid at school who had lots of friends and was really good at everything. Finding out they were actually as riddled with insecurity as the rest of us was unexpected. He said when he was growing up he never really felt that he fit in anywhere and didn't feel quite normal. 

Funny how everyone is trying so hard to be normal all the time and 'blend in'...what's so great about being normal? Does anyone actually really blend in and feel normal? Is the human condition not that we are all different and 'flawed', or rather 'unique', in some way?

I said, what is normal? Someone who is infallible, in control of their emotions at all times and totally unaffected by other people? Surely such a description of 'normal' functioning would be the same description as that of a sociopath?!

 

Normal

There’s a madness in my soul

An insect buzzing against glass

I want to swat it with books,

Theories, therapy, well meaning

Intentions evolve into insanity

But subjectively it’s pretty

Benign, endearing in fact to some

Emotions nothing more than ego

Vanity, self obsession, immaturity

Love forces us to grow up

And show our true feelings 

Whatever our age

And we keep struggling to hide them

But there is nothing wrong with us

The only problem is everything

Is normal.

Priscilla Sim

Copyright 2006

Tragedy

This is a great quote...

'The tragedy is not that a man dies, the tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.'   

- Albert Schweitzer 

Don't give up on yourself, your dreams or your life. xx

It's ok to fight...

I have been working with a couple for about 3 months now and I just wanted to share how lovely it has been to see how far they have come.

When they first came they were very anxious and found conflict very difficult. This evening the man said, 'when I first started coming to these sessions I had an idealised idea of relationships, I would get very upset when we would fight because I don't think you should fight in relationships, but now I know it's going to be all right, we can fight and get angry and upset but after that we will still be ok.'

I thought that was a really important break through for them because they had now created a relationship between them, and through the work we had done, that was safe enough for them both to express themselves and sometimes disagree, but still be secure in the way they felt about each other through the fight and beyond.

I love what I do : )

Transference

Another psychotherapy term, 'transference' is when you expect people to treat you in a certain way that perhaps you were treated in your family...so if perhaps you were rejected by your mother you may expect to be rejected by people in general and particularly in love relationships.

At a subconscious level you may have internalised this expectation of others and so carry this into your adult life and relationships. If you find that you are struggling with the same thing over and over in your relationships, it could be useful to go back and think about how you were treated in your family of origin.

For example, I know for myself that when I was a baby it was fashionable to leave your baby to cry and my mother followed this advice. At a pre-verbal level, if you link this to attachment theory a baby is thrown into terror of annihilation. At some level I may have internalised this unconscious expectation that other people will also not come when I cry or complain.

As a response to this fear I can find it difficult to speak up for myself until I feel sure that I am safe and the person I am with will hear and respond to me appropriately. If I feel my voice is not being heard I can re-experience those early childhood feelings of neglect, fear and anger.

How are you in your own relationships? Do you find it hard to be angry, or upset, or talk about your feelings? Perhaps in your family of origin when you were angry or upset you were criticised, punished or ignored? Perhaps you did not talk about feelings in your family and just learned to 'get on with it'. As a result you don't feel able to express these feelings in your adult relationships as you subconsciously expect or fear that your feelings will again be dismissed in the same way?

What is it that you struggle with? It is worth having a think about how these issues were dealt with (or not as the case may be!) in your family of origin and then talking to your partner about this. Together you can work out together how to connect with this repressed part of you and manage it. From a developmental point of view, we are all looking for growth, learning and integration and with the help of a loving caring partner you can work towards this sense of wholeness together.

'Containment' and 'Holding'

'Containment' and 'holding' are psychotherapy terms coming from the idea of a mother holding and containing a child's anxiety and emotions and helping him/her to manage them, thereby teaching the child to do this for themself and providing later capacity to tolerate difficult feelings as an autonomous adult. During times of stress we may regress to childlike states and need help from close attachment figures to provide similar containment and holding that we received in early years.

I found this following passage really interesting...it's taken from 'Couple Therapy - The Self in the Relationship' By Jan Grant and Jim Crawley (126:2008)


'Containment is one of the important psychological functions provided by the healthy couple relationship; that is, the capacity of the relationship to act as a container within which the partners are able to express their own experience and to receive and process each other's experience. This may mean receiving at times the other's despair, anger, sadness, depression, or their joy, pride, excitement, or desire; thinking about it; and giving it back in a way that enables the other to now experience themselves as heard and understood, and perhaps to think about their experience differently. For couples where such containment is not possible, escalating emotional distress will often ensue.'

We all need to feel heard and held by our partners, but it can be the case where if we did not receive this holding and containment in early years from our caregiver we may still be looking for a high level of this in our relationships as we have not yet learnt this for ourselves.

This could be experienced as neediness or extreme insecurity by the recipient partner and the relationship may be very volatile, vacillating between extreme periods of bliss and despair. If a couple have found a connection with each other through similar shared childhood experiences of neglect, they may find it very difficult to manage each other's emotional distress.

That's not to say the relationship can't work, but it will require honest and open communication and patience to work through. As always I would see this as an opportunity for learning and healing parts of the self that are often buried deep in our subconscious. However, it may be that you need to find a highly empathic, experienced therapist to work with you both to provide a model and the space for this to happen. I would suggest contacting Relate for more information on finding a therapist to work with.

Deconstructing the fight cycle

This is something you could try that I find very helpful in trying to understand a couple's conflictual pattern.

Draw a circle.

Take your starting point - the incident - be that person A forgets to call or is late to meet person B, it doesn't really matter what the incident is, what is important is what follows the incident.

So the next stage on the circle will be what happens next. Perhaps person B gets upset and shouts or goes quiet and withdraws. Put that in the second stage on your circle.

The next stage is what happens after this reaction. Perhaps person A shouts back or senses person B going quiet and asks person B what is wrong. Put this in the next stage on your circle.

The next stage follows on from here, you get the picture...perhaps now person B is furious at person A and storms out or person B refuses to answer person A and begins to cry. Put this in the next stage on your circle.

What happens next? What does person A do now, and what does person B do? How do you resolve the conflict, or do you not resolve it and just leave it and carry on until it happens again? Is this pattern working for you or do you find it quite wearing on your emotions and relationship?

You are starting to see where I am going with this aren't you? So just fill in the stages till you have completed the fight cycle and you will have a good picture in front of you to look at the dynamic of your relationship when you are in conflict.

Now think about every time you experience an 'incident', do you generally go round this circle and end up at the same point? Together you can look at the fight cycle, how it starts, how it escalates, how it usually ends and you can start to make intervention agreements between you.

Perhaps at the first point where person A has done something to upset person B you could agree that person B's reaction is difficult for person A to cope with and perhaps instead of shouting or stonewalling, person B could say calmly and assertively, 'I am upset you forgot to call me because I was waiting for you and didn't know if you had forgotten about me, which makes me think you don't care about me.' Person A at that point could just apologise, reassure person B that they do care and then...kiss and make up.

Or perhaps you miss that point and find yourself at the next point where person A begins to get angry and shouts back, what could you do differently that would diffuse the conflict? Perhaps person A could recognise what is happening and say to person B, 'I am sorry I forgot to call you, but you know I do care about you. I know you get anxious and you're just angry because you didn't know what was happening, let's not fight about this.' Then...have a big hug and make up.

Or perhaps you miss this point and find yourself at the next point on the circle, what could you do at that point that would dissolve the issue? Keep going round to each stage till you have looked at all the alternative choices you could make that would stop the cycle spinning out of control.

It will take work, time and practice to change the automatic reactions and habits of a lifetime. Perhaps you will go all the way round the cycle many more times before you get the hang of working together to stop it or at least slow it from spinning the way it does. You are both on the same team so you can both take responsibility for your part in the dynamic and also help the other person when they are less able.

And it doesn't matter if you miss all the points and keep finding yourself at the end point of the cycle, what is really important is that you recognise this has happened between you and talk about it. Talk, talk, talk and keep talking, that is the only way you will be able to deconstruct your fight cycle and work it out, by communicating with each other and working together to reinvent a better relationship wheel to go round on.

Stop hurting your inner child

If you perhaps had parents that were overly critical or punitive you may well have unconsciously internalised this voice and continue to talk to yourself in this way without realising it.

This can often result in depression and anxiety as you are telling yourself bad things about yourself...I am not be good enough, I will fail, I am too fat, thin, ugly, stupid, no-one will ever love me, nobody cares if I'm struggling or hurting so don't bother saying anything about it, nothing will work out for me, it's all my fault, I get everything wrong etc...You get the picture.

A useful exercise you could try is to visualise yourself going back to revisit yourself when you were 5, 7, 12 years old or however old you were when you really needed a kind, supportive adult's help to manage some big difficult feelings. Perhaps you could go back to that point in time and have a conversation with yourself from your adult self.

Maybe you were scared on the first day of school and there was no-one there for you to talk to about how you felt, or you expressed your anxiety and your parents told you not to be such a baby and to stop crying. Imagine talking to your inner child and telling them that it is ok to be scared and that everyone feels scared when they have to do something new. Imagine what it would feel like to wipe away those 5 year old tears and give them a hug and some gentle encouragement. Start learning how to be kinder to yourself and tell your inner child how perfect they are just as they are and how much you love them.

If you are blaming yourself or giving yourself a hard time for something, again imagine stepping out of that position and look at yourself as a 9 year old (or whatever age you feel most useful and relevant for the purposes of engaging with the feelings neccessary for this exercise) and think about what you would say to yourself now.

Could you imagine saying the same things you have been saying to yourself, to a small child? Your small inner child? When you look at it like that, wouldn't you be horrified to think of telling a 9 year old they are stupid and useless, so why would you tell yourself the same thing now? Why would you deserve to think that about yourself or believe it could be true?

The key to this is to recognise your bad feelings when you feel them and see how they are linked to the ways you are hurting your inner child and yourself. From this place, take a step back, look at what you are telling yourself and begin to correct these negative, critical perspectives with a kind, positive, encouraging adult voice. You have the power now to connect with yourself and to offer yourself unconditional love and regard for you just being yourself whatever age you are. Love your inner child, love yourself.