Babes in the woods

Today I was talking to a dear friend and fellow counsellor about the merits of arguing in a relationship.

She found out that a friend of her and her fiance had just split up with his girlfriend. The surprise she said was that she and her fiance always felt so bad about their relationship in comparison with this friend, because they would always be so proud about not fighting or arguing ever.

The way the man in this particular relationship would respond to any emotional difficulty would be to buy the woman a gift and then not talk about what was troubling her.

I wondered if his parents had done the same with him when he was a child. If he wanted their time, attention or needed some comfort or reassurance, perhaps they bought him a toy to keep him quiet and appease his emotional needs.

This couple is what we would refer to as the 'babes in the wood' couple, the couple who always agree, never argue, always get along, it's 'you and me against the world' for the babes in the wood couple.

The problem is with this kind of couple is that if there is never a problem, this is the problem, because if a couple can never express their individual needs for fear of disrupting the delicate, peaceful equilibrium they treasure between them, slowly they will begin to internalise resentments and tussle within themself the need for personal space and individuation.

We are separate and together in relationships and we need to negotiate this between us, if the boundaries are unclear you will begin to merge into each other and lose your sense of self and personal identity.

At some point something will have to give and as if out of nowhere the happiest most peaceful couple in the world may suddenly be thrown into crisis when one partner discovers the other is having an affair, has a hidden addiction or just gets up and leaves the relationship.

It's important to talk about what it is you need and want in your relationship and negotiate this between you, sometimes this may be in the form of an argument.

I think it is always better to be in a relationship where you argue and get things resolved and are actually communicating, than a dreamlike existance where you go about pretending everything is wonderful but inside you are disconnecting and trying to find ways to escape.