Be a doormat...
Yes, I said it. Be a doormat.
By that I don't literally mean have no self respect or self worth, lay down and let people walk all over you.
What I mean is, when your partner asks you for something and it is within your means to do so, give it to them.
Give people what they want.
Justin Sterling from the Sterling Institute of Relationships says this,
'Give your partner what they want,
when they want it, no more, no less.'
This advice goes for friends and family as well as romantic relationships.
When people ask you for something it's usually because they genuinely want and/or need it, they are not asking to be difficult or controlling, or to test you.
If you are in a healthy, committed relationship with someone you respect and trust, who you know is a good person with good intentions, they won't be trying to be unreasonable, or asking you for something that is unreasonable.
If it's not a big deal, don't make it a big deal...
Perhaps it's that they ask you to not be late to an event that is important to them, or to call them before a certain time at night, or to let them know what you are doing in the week so that you can make plans.
If it is not that big of a deal to you, but it means a lot to them, give them what they want, when they want it. No more, no less. No questions asked.
The no more, no less thing is important, here's why.
Don't give less...
Don't give less than what is asked for, this is crucial.
They will feel like you are being calculating and spiteful and only giving in to them begrudgingly.
Not only will it make them UNhappy, it will annoy them even more than if you didn't give them what they wanted at all.
Don't give more...
And don't give more than what is asked for either.
When you give too much, you are giving away your self worth and they will not respect you for it.
They may feel overwhelmed and smothered and get the sense that you are trying too hard and are too needy, insecure and dependent.
They may end up really treating you like a doormat and taking you for granted.
What do I get out of it?
Ok, ok, I hear you saying, are you crazy? What are you talking about?!!
Why should I?!!
What do I get out of it?!!
I can't just give them whatever they want, whenever they want it, they will think I'm a pushover!!!
...But will they? Really?
If this is someone you are in a loving connected relationship with, do you think that when you do what they ask you to, and give them what they ask you to give, they are secretly laughing at you behind your back saying, hahaha! That such and such is a major loser, they just do whatever I say!
Or do you think that they will be genuinely touched at your responsiveness to what they have asked you for and your co-operation with their request?
Do you think perhaps it is more likely they will say to themself, wow this person is truly amazing and really does care about me...?
People respond to you, the way you respond to them...
When you give someone what they ask for they will be happy. They will feel heard, respected, appreciated, connected, loved, grateful and satisfied.
And...
This is the bit in answer to your question of what do I get?
...You get the same in return!
They will feel so loved and special to you, that they will want to give the same back to you...
When you want it.
How you want it.
And with a cherry on top!
Being a 'doormat' will open all kinds of doors to you, as your partner will recognise your sensitivity and responsiveness to them and want to give you everything in return.
Final word of warning...
Two points here to consider:
1) Giving your partner what they want should not be too hard. If this is someone you respect and care for, giving them what they ask for should be something that helps to promote more connectedness and trust between you.
If you have tried to work on this together and it is too hard, it may be that you are just not compatible.
2) If you are with someone who you are already giving everything they ask for, when they ask for it, and it still never seems to be enough, there may be some deeper issues at the core of this for them.
Perhaps they have some unresolved emotional trauma in their past they need to take a look at for themself in therapy rather than draining you of your resources.
It is not your responsibility to make another person happy, as this is more like an unhealthy co-dependent relationship where neither of you is really happy and free.
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