Love Yourself Happy

Read this today about the power of gratitude and how the act of loving itself makes you happy...

http://conscious-transitions.com/the-power-of-gratitude/

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EFT

I'm still worshipping the goddess that is EFT founder Dr Susan Johnson:

http://www.psychotherapy.net/article/couples-therapy-attachment

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Doubt Don't Mean Don't

I like this concept. Doubt is normal and it stems from fear and grief...

http://conscious-transitions.com/are-you-settling/

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Tap tap tapping...

Hmm, I'm still not sure what I think about tapping, but this article makes sense in terms of understanding the fight flight response that can sometimes be all too constant in conflictual relationships. My jury is still out, but I remain open minded...what are your thoughts?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nick-ortner/emotional-freedom-technique_b_1349223.html

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Attachment

I'm on a training course at the Centre for Child Mental Health at the moment.

The more I think about attachment theory and its significance to humankind, the more I don't understand why everyone doesn't know about it. We need education.

Without attachments to those we love and those who love us, what more are we than leaves blowing in the wind. Desperately trying to find some shelter or respite from the elements of life and so vulnerable to all the things of this world that do not wish love upon us...what tragic irony.

xx

Turnaround

I'm very much enjoying the work of Byron Katie at the moment:

http://thework.com/downloads/little_book/English_LB.pdf

In this little online book she uses a CBT type approach where you take the painful thought, question if it is true and then turn it around.

For example:

Belief: "I'm working so hard to forgive him and he doesn't acknowledge it or help me at all."

Turnaround: "He's working so hard to forgive me and I don't acknowledge it or help him at all."

- Perhaps you both have something to forgive and neither of you help the other?

Belief: "I don't know if you will or can change."

TA "You don't know if I will or can change."

TA "I don't know if I will or can change."

- Are we projecting our own fears and fallibility onto others?

When we turnaround our beliefs and explore all the options, sometimes we realise that the truth is not always the truth, but a painful thought we believe to be true. 

The thought disempowers us as we suffer at its meaning. 

But reality does not change, everything is as it is and as it is meant to be and by fighting with 'shoulds' and 'should nots' in our heads, we are fighting reality! 

Let life lead you rather than you trying to lead life. Don't swim against the current, it will wear you out!

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Don't wait till it's too late.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2109136/Couples-early-40s-marriage-MOTs-prevent-relationship-breakdown.html

I particularly like the idea of relationship check ups. Baroness Tyler says,

"We have health checks and dental check-ups. Even out cars get MoTs. We should be prepared to invest in our relationship, our emotional lives, in a similar way."

Sobering to think how we put our relationships and emotions so far down the list.

x

Check out my posts on the 'Relate Blog'

http://www.relateblog.org.uk/

xxx

Relate Blog

It's launched and live and ready for action!!

Please comment and subscribe to let us know your thoughts : )

Relate Blog

xxx

Relate Official Blogger!

So my most exciting news that I've been keeping to myself, is that off the back of this blog site, I've been commissioned to write Relate's official blog launching this Monday the 10th September!!! 

ALL your support, following, feedback, comments etc will be most appreciated as we are monitoring its value going forward. Argghhhhh!!

More to come...

Hope Springs

Looks like this is gona be good. Excited to watch it...

http://www.hopesprings-movie.com/

Conflict Resolution

Listened to this today, conflict resolution on BBC Radio, lovely program and well worth a listen: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006qtnz

Belief is a beautiful armour

I was listening to this today by John Mayer today and it really resonated. Wanted to share the lyrics as it's so much of what I see being tussled with in relationships; People fighting for their beliefs. 

Belief is a beautiful armour, because we feel it protects us from being hurt, but when you hit someone you love with it, you can really hurt them. 

How can we work together to accept and respect each other's beliefs?

Belief

Is there anyone who
Ever remembers changing their mind from
The paint on a sign?
Is there anyone who really recalls
Ever breaking rank at all
For something someone yelled real loud one time

Everyone believes
In how they think it ought to be
Everyone believes
And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armour
But makes for the heaviest sword
Like punching under water
You never can hit who you're trying for

Some need the exhibition
And some have to know they tried
It's the chemical weapon
For the war that's raging on inside

Everyone believes
From emptiness to everything
Everyone believes
And no ones going quietly

We're never gonna win the world
We're never gonna stop the war
We're never gonna beat this
If belief is what we're fighting for

What puts a hundred thousand children in the sand
Belief can
Belief can
What puts the folded flag inside his mother's hand
Belief can
Belief can

Ninja

I'm a ninja, it's true. It's nice to have validation of how difficult this work can be, so this article made me smile.

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/couples-therapists-confront-the-stresses-of-their-field.html?pagewanted=all

Where are my socks?!

This post by Dr Margaret Paul made me laugh today:

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3248/im-neat-hes-messy-what-can-i-do.html

But in particular, this paragraph is very sobering and resonates loudly to me in my work and I wanted to share:

'I tell people over and over again, "You get what you see. If you are not okay with the way the person is right now, then end the relationship before getting more deeply involved. The person may or may not change, but you can't change them. And change is very unlikely unless the person is already on a path of personal growth and wants to heal the issue. If the issue is not perceived by them as a problem, then it is unlikely that change will occur, no matter how much the issue is a problem for you and no matter how much you love that person. So, either accept it or leave.'

Wow, so many people come into therapy wanting to change their partner, when actually the heart of love is acceptance.

She's right, unless that person wants to change, you will never succeed in making them into the person you want them to be...

But still this story about hiding stuff is funny.

Happier thoughts to follow soon!

x

Cosmo interview

I was interviewed for Cosmopolitan Magazine's 'So You Think You Want My Job' page this week. 

There was quite a team that turned up to the Relate offices consisting of the journalist, make up artist, picture editor, photographer and photographer's assistant.

The interview was quite quick and lasted about half an hour. As the make up artist got to work on my hair, face and nails, the journalist asked me to hold a voice recorder and asked me lots of questions about my work at Relate as well as my work at ChildLine and the baby swimming classes I teach.

The photo shoot was quite a bit longer and lasted about an hour and a half. We shot 3 different outfits and quite a few different looks, both inside a therapy room and outside the Relate building. It seemed like we had to take a lot of pictures just to get one good shot, but the team assured me, this was normal and this was actually a very chilled out shoot. 

As we set up shots and posed for pictures, we all began talking about our own relationships and thoughts about couples counselling. It seems that when it comes to relationships, this is a subject that is of universal interest and affects us all... 

The article will be coming out in Cosmopolitan's November Relationship Special Edition and will be available from the 1st of October 2012.

Grief

This is a lovely passage from the novel 'On Love' by Alain de Botton, which I think really helps to understand the process of grief and loss...

"There is an Arabic saying that the soul travels at the pace of a camel. 

While most of us are led by the strict demands of diaries and timetables, the soul, the seat of the heart, trails nostalgically behind, burdened by the weight of memory.... 

The camel became lighter and lighter as it walked through time, it kept shaking memories and photos off its back, scattering them over the desert floor and letting the wind bury them in the sand, and gradually the camel became so light that it could trot again and even gallop in its own curious way 

- until one day, in a small oasis that called itself the present, the exhausted creature finally caught up with the rest of me."

- On Love, Alain de Botton

Blogs I've read today...

Theories of love

Success strategies for love

Relationship tips for men

Check them out if you have time, really interesting stuff here!

x

He Calls Other Girls Sexy...

Anna writes:

"I saw messages that my fiancée sent to some girl on Facebook saying "hey sexy." I found it very disrespectful and to some level cheating. 

He said he has no attachment to the word when referencing women outside of me. I think that words such as those should be only used when he is speaking to me. 

I would like to know what's your opinion on this. I've been cheated on in the past and my ex did the same.....calling other women sexy, baby, sweetie and hun."

My response:

"It sounds like you have been hurt in the past and so it is hard not to make the same connections when they are threatening to repeat in your present relationship. 

Does your partner know why you feel the way you do and how it has affected you? 

Sometimes we choose partners subconsciously because we want to heal past traumas that we have not yet fully processed.

Do you think you are over the hurt of the betrayal of your previous relationship, or might it be worth doing some work on yourself to release those anxieties. ie. Find a good therapist or perhaps try some acupuncture to release emotions. 

It really does come down to the individual, what their personal values are and if in your relationship you can both accept, respect and negotiate each other's boundaries. Some girls might not mind her boyfriend calling other girls 'sexy' and some girls might never even see a guy again if he did that in front of her. 

On balance do you think you can really communicate with your partner to resolve conflict and if you do really trust him? 

You can never control another person, the only person you have control over changing is yourself. And remember you always have a choice over what you think, feel and want in life."

Anna writes:

"I see what you're saying. Yes I'm over the hurt, but I'm scared of letting it happen to me again.  

My fiancée thinks that when he told me it was nothing, when he said "hey sexy" I should have taken his word and not thought more into it.

He knows how I feel. He broke up with his ex for her not trusting him, so he was also angry at me, while I was angry at him for what he did. He also said that he didn't think what he did was that severe for me to go all "crazy" on him about the situation. 

We are getting counselling together from our pastor who is a licensed therapist, but I can't afford to get individual counselling. I realize that he and I have different ideas on what cheating is, or what inappropriate behaviour is. 

We did discuss it last night and he said he won't do it again because he know it was wrong etc. but I'm still scared. I do trust him but I'm scared. I was going to tell him delete Facebook, but if I trust him he won't have to because he said he won't do it again."

My response:

"You have a right to feel what you feel especially after what you have been through, but it's the way you process it for yourself to communicate and share how you feel with your partner. I mean if you responding to a situation or reacting... 

If you are shouting and screaming in anger as a reaction to fear, it's the fear underneath that is important to communicate and is easier for your partner to hear and reassure you about. 

I find it interesting that both you and your partner are repeating your past relationship patterns and behaviours. You both have found yourself in similar situations before and it sounds like you are both frustrated with yourselves and each other to be here again. 

We often seek out past hurts subconsciously on a developmental level to heal unprocessed emotions. What can you both do differently this time to break the patterns of your past? 

It sounds like your partner cares about you and it's great that you are getting couples counselling together, that shows a lot of commitment from him to your relationship. Also that he said he wouldn't do it again shows that he cares about your feelings and respects your boundaries. 

A really excellent book I recommend to all my clients and indeed friends is 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr Susan Johnson. She is a fantastic therapist and works with emotions and attachment, if you only buy one book in your life, you should buy this one!"

Anna says:

"You're right...I was crying and yelling. 

I will definitely get that book. 

I don't know what we can do to break he pattern. I mean we talked about our boundaries etc but that's it. 

Another problem if you don't mind me voicing... he is not going to call me any endearments any more (baby, sexy, love, etc ) because he said just in case anything pops up again, it wont be a problem because he doesn't call me those words anyway. 

I'm not sure how to feel about that statement. I don't know if he was saying it cause he was upset, but I am definitely going to ask him about it. If he knows what he did was wrong then nothing should "pop" up again."

My response:

Perhaps this article will help explain your partners reaction to you being upset: http://thetermsofendearment.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/fear-and-shame.html 

You being upset at him triggers his anger and defence because he feels shame for hurting you, so can't hear what you are really saying and why. When you are both in that place where you are upset and saying things you don't mean and damaging your relationship, it's good to practice calling a time out to calm down before you try and talk to each other again. 

Trying to get to grips with your triggers and being able to calm yourself down before you talk to him, will help you get more of the response and reassurance you are really asking for.

Using simple sentence structures like:  

1. When you...(insert action) ie. call other girls sexy.

2. It makes me feel...(insert feeling) ie. sad, insecure, anxious, worried, paranoid, jealous, upset. etc 

3. What can we do about it? 

Making your statement about you and your feelings takes the blame element away and opens things up for discussion so you can address them together. 

Also you can try a simple communication exercise, which has worked wonders with my clients: 

http://thetermsofendearment.blogspot.co.uk/2010/09/communication-exercise.html 

Hope that helps and let me know how you get on..."

Anna writes:

"Wow I read the information in the link you sent me. Very informative!!!!!! 

It does help. I will suggest those exercises to him. 

The crazy thing is we want to get married in a few months...hopefully we would solve all our issues then.

Thanks again."

My response:

"Relationships and marriage are all a work in progress. Getting to know each other and learning how to love each other is a life time's journey.  

Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves to ‘get it right’ or feel you have to solve all your problems before or when you are married.


Take it easy and allow yourself to forgive yourselves and each other if sometimes you make mistakes that hurt each other along the way.

Take care and all the best." 

Protector and Supporter roles in Parenting...

Wonderful blog by my friend Leesun about becoming parents:

http://leesunmusic.wordpress.com/2012/04/01/the-challenge-of-having-your-first-baby-without-your-relationship-consequently-breaking-down/

xx

Happy International Women's Day!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaf_X9qSeVY

Fear and Shame

I just found this excerpt today while looking for something on my computer and am singing 'ah ha moment' all over again. 

This is a fantastic explanation of differences between men and women at a biological level and how it manifests in our adult relationships...a must read!!  

How We Break The Connection

Steven Stosny, PH.D & Dr. Patricia Love

Fear and Shame

Things weren’t always so bad for Marlene and Mark. At one time they cherished the closeness they felt—all their friends used to marvel at how close and connected they were. They can still vividly recall the good times, but instead of comforting them, these memories of the closeness they once had now fill them with sadness and a deep sense of loss. They often wonder how they got to this lonely state. Their story is all the more sad because it is so common.

Marlene and Mark arrived at their chronic state of disconnection without either of them doing anything wrong. Marlene has never grasped that Mark, like most men, has a heightened sensitivity to feeling shame and inadequacy. (How could she? His impulse when he feels shame is to hide, so he can’t tell her about it. Instead, he disguises it with annoyance, impatience, or anger.) She does not understand that each time she tries to make improvements in their relationship, the overriding message Mark hears is that he is not meeting her expectations—he’s failing her—which sends him into the pain of his own inadequacy. While trying to ward off feeling like a failure, Mark is no longer sensitive to Marlene’s fear of being isolated and shut out. In the beginning of their relationship, he sensed her need for connection and wouldn't have dreamed of shutting her out. But now he has no idea that each time he rejects her overtures or raises his voice in anger—purely to protect himself—he’s pushing her further away and deeper into the pain of isolation.

It’s so easy for couples to slip into this pattern, because the different vulnerabilities that so greatly influence the way men and women interact with each other are virtuallyinvisible. In the beginning of the relationship, the falling–in–love chemicals our brains secrete make it easy to focus on each other’s more subtle emotions. But once the effects of those chemicals wear off—within three to nine months—we need to make a more conscious effort to protect each other’s vulnerabilities. To do this, we first need to understand the different vulnerabilities of men and women and how we manage them in our relationships.


How We’re Different: Fear and Pain

The differences that underlie male and female vulnerabilities are biological and present at birth. Baby girls, from day one, are more sensitive to isolation and lack of contact. No doubt this sensitivity evolved as an important survival skill designed to keep the female in contact not only with her offspring but also with others in the group who would offer her protection. In the days of roaming predators, the only hope of survival was to help one another ward off an enemy. A woman or child left alone was sure prey. So over the millennia, females developed a kind of internal GPS that keeps them aware of closeness and distance in all their relationships. When a woman feels close, she can relax; when she feels distant, she gets anxious. This is why a baby girl can hold your gaze for a long period of time. She is comforted by the closeness the eye–to–eye contact provides. It also explains why, left alone for the same period of time, a girl baby will fuss and complain before a boy baby. This heightened sensitivity to isolation makes females react strongly to another person’s anger, withdrawal, silence, or other sign of unavailability. It is more frightening to her to be out of contact than it is for a male. This is not to say that males prefer isolation or distance; it's just that females feel more discomfort when they are not in contact.

Men have a hard time understanding a woman’s fear and the pain associated with it. One reason is that a woman’s fear provokes shame in a man: “You shouldn't be afraid with me as your protector!” This is why he gets angry when she gets anxious or upset. But there’s another reason men just don’t get women’s fear. They don’t know what it feelslike. Research shows the single biggest sex difference in emotions is in the frequency and intensity of fear—how often you get afraid and how afraid you get. Girls and women both experience and express far more fear, as measured in social contexts and in laboratory experiments that induce fear. Newborn girls are more easily frightened than boys. Girls and women are more likely to feel fear in response to loud noises and sudden changes in the environment. They have more anxiety and worry a lot more than boys and men. Women have a markedly higher fear of crime, even though they are far less often the victims of it. They are more likely to think about the harmful consequences of their behavior, which helps them avoid most risky behavior. They suffer more phobias and greatly exceed men in fear of medical and dental care. The fact that they go to doctors and dentists more often may be a tribute to their courage (ability to overcome fear) or a result of their general sensitivity to anxiety and worry, which could make them fear the consequences of not going even more.

Another reason that females have more fear of harm may be that they feel more pain. The scientific data suggest that women suffer quite a bit more physical pain than males, not counting childbirth. As early as two weeks old, girls cry louder and more vigorously than boys in response to mild pain stimulus. The higher anxiety levels of females only ratchet up their sensitivity to pain. Around 90 percent of chronic pain disorders afflict women. Men have a hard time empathizing with the pain and fear of their wives, both because they're conditioned from toddlerhood to suck it up, and because it doesn’t hurt them as much!


How We’re Different: Hyperarousal and Shame

Although boy babies feel less fear and pain than girls, they have a heightened sensitivity to any type of abrupt stimulation, which gives them a propensity for hyperarousal, that is, hair–trigger reactions. Male infants startle five times more often than female infants and are provoked by a much lower stimulus—a loud stomach gurgle will do it. (You can observe this difference if you visit a neonatal nursery in a hospital.) A male’s hair–trigger propensity for hyperarousal has a distinct survival advantage. Due to his greater strength and muscle mass, the male is better equipped than the female to fight off predators. Since the primary predators of early humans stalked and attacked stealthily, males needed to respond with fight–or–flight behavior in a fraction of a second.

Because of their high sensitivity to arousal, newborn boys have to guard against the discomfort of overstimulation. This is why boy babies have to take eye contact and other intimate contact in small doses. If you have a boy and a girl, you may have noticed this difference. Your baby girl was able to hold eye contact almost as soon as you brought her home from the hospital. You could gaze into her big eyes (she widens them to draw in your gaze) for hours on end. But your little boy was less likely to hold that kind of eye contact before six to nine months of age, if at all. When you looked deeply into his eyes, he probably looked down, then back at your eyes, then up, then back at your eyes, then down the other side, then back at your eyes, then up the other side, then back at your eyes. He was interested in you—or he wouldn’t have kept looking back—and he certainly wasn’t afraid of you. His intermittent attention was his way of staying in contact with you without becoming overwhelmed. It’s important to note that this is a function of his sensitivity to arousal, not his ability to focus, as many parents mistakenly infer. Boy babies can focus on you if you do not look directly into their eyes, and they have no trouble focusing on inanimate objects.

When it comes to relationships, women often mistake this guarded response, which many males retain throughout life, for lack of interest or even loss of love. Most of the time, he hasn’t lost interest; he’s merely trying to avoid the overwhelming discomfort of a cortisol dump that comes with hyperarousal. Cortisol is a hormone secreted during certain negative emotions. Its job is to get your attention by making you uncomfortable so that your discomfort drives you to do something to make the situation better. The pain a woman feels when her man shouts at her is caused by the sudden release of cortisol. A man feels this same discomfort when he is confronted with her unhappiness or criticism. He may look like he is avoiding her, but he is essentially trying to avoid a cortisol hangover for the next several hours.

So how does the male propensity for hyperarousal translate into hypersensitivity to shame? First of all, boys and girls both experience shame, which is a stop–and–hide response. The root meaning of the word shame is “to cover or conceal.” When you’re embarrassed you want to crawl into a hole, and a child feeling shame wants to cover his face because he can’t bear to look at you. If you are playing with a boy or girl infant and you suddenly break eye contact and turn away, he or she will experience the physical displays of shame: reddened face, contorted facial expressions, writhing muscles, and other signs of more general distress, especially if he/she was interested in or enjoying the eye contact. In this way, shame is an auxiliary of interest and enjoyment—babies have to be interested in something or feel enjoyment to experience shame when it stops abruptly. (We learn to label this abrupt drop in interest or enjoyment as “rejection,” which is what you feel when your interesting phone conversation with a friend is abruptly interrupted by his call–waiting.) Because little girls are more comfortable with longer periods of eye contact, caregivers tend to stay engaged and break contact with them less often, meaning little girls experience the shame response associated with abrupt disconnection far less often. On the other hand, if parents or caregivers don’t understand a little boy’s need for smaller doses of eye contact, they will break the intimate contact abruptly when the little boy looks away, constantly reinforcing the shame response, which is amplified by the extra kick of cortisol that the response produces. Males who experience this over and over develop a hypersensitivity to shame. Studies show that parents gaze into the eyes of their little girls (and talk sweetly to them while doing it) 50 percent more than they look into the eyes of their little boys. With their sons they laugh and make nonverbal utterances, wave toys in front of them, tickle them, or pick them up to shake and roughhouse with them. Both kinds of play are of high quality—children and parents enjoy them immensely. But they are qualitatively different. Little boys need the intimate contact—albeit in small doses—just as much as they need the active play. Little girls need active play as much as they need intimate contact.

Intimacy is riskier for little boys when they have consistently felt shame in conjunction with it—if I like it too much, the boys learn, they’ll take it away, because I don’t do it right. From the very beginning, many little boys don't feel like they can measure up in intimate relationships. Little girls can hold eye contact, while little boys are easily overwhelmed and have to look away. The eye–contact gap is especially sad because eye contact is our principal source of intimacy throughout our lives. Boys and men are deprived of the very intimacy that would help them overcome their vulnerability to shame. If you have a baby boy, you must understand that he likes eye contact, but you have to be more patient with him and not start tickling him when he looks away from you. The best thing you can do for your infant son to help him manage shame in the future is allow him to feel the comfort of eye contact gradually, at his pace. Keep looking at him, and you should notice that he will stay focused on your eyes for longer and longer periods. Just being sensitive to the invisible differences in male and female vulnerabilities can shift your perception and deepen your connection—without talking about it.


How We Avoid Fear and Shame

Most of the time a woman's fear and a man’s shame are unconscious—outside awareness. You can live a lifetime without ever hearing a man say, “I feel ashamed when you get scared of my driving” or a woman say, “I want that Gucci bag to keep my fear of deprivation at bay.” Instead you will see the tip–off indicators of fear and shame: resentment and anger (blaming your shame or fear on someone else); materialism (providing illusions of status for a man and security for a woman); people pleasing (doing things detrimental to the self to gain the admiration or approval of others); obsessions (thoughts you can't get out of your mind); and compulsive behavior like impulsive shopping, overeating, and binge drinking. All the above have temporary pain–relieving effects that work for both shame and fear.

It is not our innate differences in fear and shame that drive us apart; it is how we manage the differences. If you manage them with criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, or blame, your relationship will fail; it’s as simple as that. If you manage them with the inspiration to improve, appreciate, connect, or protect—as you'll learn to do in this book—your relationship will flourish. But it will take conscious attention for a while to overcome the force of habits that began forming very early in your life.

From early childhood, girls avoid fear by building alliances and forging emotional bonds—there is comfort and strength in numbers. Without thinking about it, Marlene reacted to her unconscious fear of isolation by seeking more closeness from Mark and her friends. This predominant female coping mechanism is called tend and befriend.(*) Women respond to stressful situations by protecting themselves and their young through nurturing behaviors—the tend part of the model—and forming alliances with others, particularly women—the befriend part. Women bond around helping one another through troubled times. The more they talk about their troubles, the closer they feel.

Because emotional bonds serve as a woman's primary source of comfort, it appalls women when men try to cope with stress in ways that seem to threaten emotional bonds, for example: distraction (work, TV, computer, hobbies); status seeking (work, sports, acquiring expensive toys); emotional shutdown (if you feel nothing, you won’t feel inadequate); anger (if you numb the pain you won’t feel it); and aggression (if you exert power and control, you won’t feel the powerlessness of failure and inadequacy).

What women have an even harder time understanding is this: For the average male, relationships are not a reliable source of comfort. A man’s greatest pain comes from shame, due to the inadequacy he feels in relationships; therefore, going to the relationship for comfort is like seeking solace from the enemy. Talking about the relationship, which is guaranteed to remind him of his inadequacy, is the last method he would use for comfort, in the same category as choosing a bed of nails for a good night’s sleep. This is why he often goes to a fight–or–flight response to ease his distress and not to a heart–to–heart talk with the woman in his life. Fight or flight is the male equivalent of tend and befriend.

Relationship MOT

Fully support this idea: Relationship MOT

Cheating Myths

Interesting article: 5 Myths About Cheating

Mental Health and Relationships...

http://storify.com/time_to_change/5-perspectives-on-mental-health-and-relationships

xx

Love is Easy, Relationships are Hard...

Cute little spoken word piece:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxgzbUc4xJg&feature=youtu.be

Enjoy!

xxx

To Divorce, or Not to Divorce...

This is interesting food for thought:

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/3041/is-divorce-the-answer-for-you.html

xxx

Anti-Valentines

This is lovely reading...

https://apps.facebook.com/theguardian/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/14/money-gone-love-alternative-currency

Happy anti-Valentines day!!

xxx

Men Are More Emotionally Sensitive Than Women...

It seems counterintuitive but it's true. When women are upset or angry with their male partners, it triggers all kinds of emotional responses.

It dates back to those primitive cavemen days when men had to go out and hunt for food and women stayed home and looked after the children.

The fight or flight response was necessary for survival, so when faced with threat or danger, the male's nervous system would be flooded with cortisol and adrenalin, ready for battle or to run away.

Neither of these reactions are probably helpful when his female partner wants to be comforted and reassured because she is upset about something and he shouts at her, or when she wants to talk things through and he walks out on her...but these are often the results of that emotional response.

So recognise that pattern next time you get caught up in a frustrating emotional interaction and give yourselves some time to calm down before you revisit the topic of conversation and see if you can work out a solution when you are both in a more rational state of mind...

xxx

Don't Throw it Out; Work it Out!

I have a new cardigan, which I love. Yay!

However, it's so annoying, because my bag keeps getting caught on it and pulling at the threads. My cardigan is not looking so new any longer... :(

However, my new cardigan and bag go really well together and I like this outfit. Sigh...

So what's that got to do with anything I hear you say...well it got me thinking about how relationships work, of course!

Sometimes in relationships you can go together really well, it looks good, it just works. But in spite of that  you can get caught on each other and pull at your threads.

Sometimes, it's going to be one of you that seems to suffer more (cardigan) and one of you who is less affected (bag). So then what?

Either you don't wear the bag and cardigan together (break up) and try to find another outfit combination that doesn't catch as much, but maybe doesn't match as well in terms of colour, or style etc.

Or, you have to be very careful when you wear this combination, not to catch your cardigan on your bag, which can be uncomfortable and annoying.

Or what I did was figure out which part of the bag was catching - it happened to be the zip - and fixed it so that the bit sticking out didn't catch anymore. Problem solved!

So my point is this. In relationships, sometimes you can catch each other and pull at your threads (hurt each other's feelings).

You can either give up on the relationship and choose something else that doesn't catch, but maybe isn't as good in other areas.

Or you can stay in the relationship (keep wearing the same bag and cardigan together) and try to be careful, but still get irritated that the cardigan inevitably gets caught on and is eventually spoilt, so you give up on it anyway.

Or you can spend a little time investigating what it is about the bag that catches the cardigan and how to alter it so that it no longer happens, or happens less frequently or easily.

By that I mean, spend some time figuring out what it is about you and your partner that catches on your threads and figure out how to minimise this damage so you are free to enjoy the rest of your relationship for everything good and lovely that it is...

In short, if you like it - don't throw it out; work it out.

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Unresolved Conflict...

I've been working a lot lately with clients who have arrived in counselling due to a 'back log' of unresolved issues, offences, hurts, disappointments and frustrations.

These have either been buried, pushed away or built into a wall between the couple or had the effect of creating a massive disconnection over time.

I found it nicely summed up by Dr Margaret Paul in the following:

'Conflict occurs in all relationships, and if both people are not open to learning about themselves and each other within the conflict, the unresolved conflicts will eventually destroy the relationship.'

It's not the issue or the problem itself, but how you deal with it. The next day or week, the issue itself may be gone, but what remains is the meanness and the unkindness.

If you called each other names, swore at each other, told them to 'get over it, it's no big deal', walked out, threw something at them, told them to shut up...those are the things that stain and scar and erode the love and connection between you.

Worst of all, the initial issue which sparked the conflict remains unresolved and eventually, over time, there are so many 'crimes' between you that it is difficult to even see why you are still together anymore.

There is a limited amount of time before the relationship dies and neither partner wants to continue trying to make it work.

When a couple are in love, they are much more sensitive to each other, so when conflict is so painful, sometimes it makes it harder to go back to the original issue to resolve it after the damage of the fight when it caused so much distress in the first place.

The problem is, the issue doesn't just go away, it just goes into storage.

These issues then collect and either get taken out everytime another conflict arises as 'ammunition' or 'evidence'  as the opportunity to revisit an old wound that hasn't healed, which only worsens and intensifies the argument, or is parked and gathers impact everytime a similar 'shaped' offence arises.

We've all heard the saying, 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. There are only so many straws we can all carry before we break our relationships...The work I do is to encourage couples to put down all of their straws and then deal with them one by one.

Sometimes, all it takes is for one person to say, 'when you did..., I felt like... and I didn't like it.' And for the partner to hear them, not argue, defend, explain, shut down or attack, but simply listen, acknowledge, thank them for sharing and say, 'I'm sorry.' Sometimes that is all it takes to resolve the issue and from there you can work on how to go forward together to make changes that work for both of you.

Article quoted here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/meeting-the-right-person_b_873407.html

Happy New Year!!

This article is a great way to start a new year: http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

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