I have been subscribing the Susie and Otto Collins' newsletter for a few years now and I thought this email was great so have reposted it below. Enjoy!
7 Ridiculously Bad Relationship Ideas...
By Susie and Otto Collins
If you've ever wondered what happened when things
have been going along pretty well in your relationship
and suddenly, it feels like the bottom just fell out and
you don't know why...
You're not alone.
We've all been there and felt that sinking feeling that
we don't have a clue how this disagreement and
separation happened.
After working with thousands of people and trying
out ideas in our own relationship, we've figured
out that when one or both of you get argumentative,
manipulative, shut down, mistrustful, discouraged,
infuriated or whatever happens in your drama...
It's because of a bad relationship idea--and those "bad"
ideas turn into beliefs that you hang onto for dear life.
Here's the thing about a belief...
It's just an idea you've practiced over and over--which is
all well and good if it brings you the ease and happiness
you want.
But if the belief or idea doesn't bring you what you want,
then it's worth looking at to see if you want to start
practicing another idea or belief that might work better.
There are many "bad" relationship ideas but here are
7 really "good" ones to stay away from...
1. Thinking relationship problems will go away if you
ignore them.
They usually don't. They usually just keep getting bigger
until you HAVE to do something about them or someone
else takes some action that you may or may not like.
The problem comes in trying to decide if something's
petty and not worth the effort bringing up or you've brought
it up many times in the past and nothing changes...
Or if you need to bring it up because it will only get bigger
if you don't.
A guideline we use is to first look at what I'm doing to
contribute to this situation and then speak from that
place inside with the desire to clear up whatever
misunderstanding there might be.
We might use "Magic Words" like these...
(http://www.MagicRelationshipWords.com)
"I can see that I do this to keep us apart. Can we
talk about how we both contribute to this problem
and find a better way to be together?"
2. Creating a "blended family" and thinking that
love alone will overcome all obstacles.
When attraction hits two people, they usually
believe that everything will just work out because
they are so in love.
But if there are two families that need to somehow
magically blend together in the process, there are
usually big problems that can break up even the
most loving couple.
Instead of the idea that "love will somehow be
enough," you have to get practical and create ways
you both agree upon that gets you on the same
parenting page.
Communication is key and learning how to do it
effectively with a number of personalities and needs
in the mix needs to be a priority if the blended family
will work.
3. Using Facebook or other social media to air the
private, intimate details of your relationship or to
embarrass your partner.
You may think you're being entertaining if you post
intimate details about your relationship or make fun
of your partner but what you risk can be far greater
than the feeling you get from being "clever."
So, our recommendation is--before you ever post
anything on Facebook, Twitter or any other social
media outlet, simply stop, take a moment and consider
how your post might feel to your partner.
Consider what you're about to post and if you truly
want others to know this detail about your life and your
relationship.
4. Holding back your truth out of fear.
We call this "talking on eggshells" and what we've
found is that if it's done consistently, it leads to
resentment, separation and possibly explosions
when you least expect it.
You can find more information on how to stop
talking on eggshells at Stop Talking On Eggshells
If this is a problem for you, one way to start being
more authentic is to tune into yourself when you feel
yourself stiffen up, talk around a situation, placate,
not answer a question directly or any other number
of ways you might talk on eggshells.
Recognizing what triggers this reaction is the first
place to start dealing with it and changing it.
5. Thinking you can change your partner.
One of our teachers told us this and we've seen it
play out over and over...
"Women marry men hoping they'll change; men
marry women hoping they won't."
Whether you're a man or a woman, it just seems
to be human nature that we either want our partner
to change in some way--or stay the same and never
change (even though they do).
In either case, you are arguing against reality and
what isn't there in front of you.
While we certainly encourage couples to learn and
grow, we also recognize that this desire has to come
from within the person.
So if you want your partner to change, begin to
appreciate and notice what's right and more in
line with what you want rather than focusing on
what you don't want.
We know it takes some practice but it's worth it!
6. Continuing to believe a partner is innocent (or guilty)
when the evidence suggests otherwise.
When you argue against reality, you always lose.
Even though it may take courage to confront an issue
either with your partner and within yourself--and set
a boundary...
Ultimately, it's for your own good and growth.
Stop yourself from making up untrue stories and stick
to the facts.
Then take action from that knowing place inside you.
7. Thinking passion, love and connection is supposed
to die
Here's the deal...
If you have this idea that love, intimacy and even red
hot passion in the bedroom is supposed to fade
away--even unconsciously, that's exactly what's going
to happen, especially if you don't do anything to keep
your relationship alive.
We say...
Passion, love and connection doesn't have to die.
Believe it or not, it's a choice.
So make the choice that you're going to keep your love
alive and then do the things you need to do to keep
growing together.
There you have it...7 bad relationship ideas.
We invite you to become conscious of the ideas and
beliefs that you carry in your life...and do something
to change them if they aren't bringing you the life and
happiness you want.
Our best to you,
Susie and Otto Collins
