What's your pay off?

If you are stuck in a place of pain, I want to ask you, why are you choosing to stay here? 

We choose suffering... 

We all make choices, whether consciously or not, and being in pain and suffering is one of them.

I have a client whose partner ended their relationship a year ago. He was unable to move on and was in a lot of pain asking what he did wrong and how he could have made the relationship work.

After seeing him for 6 weeks and exploring these questions together, I finally asked what his pay off was for staying in this place. He was shocked, he said he didn't realise he was making a decision to stay here in so much pain.

What is your pay off?

When we looked at what his pay off was, he realised even though he was hurting so badly, it meant that he could hold onto this relationship with his ex.

Moving on and letting go of the pain really meant letting go of her and the relationship, and he didn't want to do that because he wasn't ready to.

And that's ok, sometimes it takes us a while to feel ready to let go and grieve something that was and perhaps still is really precious and meaningful to us. What is important is recognising that this is what we are doing and that we have a choice to also work on letting go.

When I suggested writing to her or trying to talk to her, he also didn't feel he could do it. Again because taking this step meant facing the possible reality that it was really over if she rejected him again and this was what he was trying to avoid.

Consciousness is a ticket out of depression...

I think looking at the pay off is useful because if we recognise this is what we are choosing, we have consciousness of what we are doing.

From this place we can make more conscious decisions about what we want to do to move forward or indeed even stay where we are till we feel ready.

Pain feels much more scary, overwhelming and out of control when we don't realise that we are choosing this. Knowing we can let it go when we are ready can be a huge relief and a ticket out of depression...

We can choose to stay in a place of pain, but in the same way it's also up to us when we choose to let go of the pain and open ourselves up to new opportunities and possibilities for the future.

What are you avoiding?

If you are in a painful place today, ask yourself, what is your pay off for staying here? What are you avoiding having to face and deal with?

Perhaps on the converse you are in a relationship that is not quite right for you, but you are choosing to stay and be unhappy because you are afraid to be alone.

Another client I had was separated from her husband, but was still trying to make the relationship work by doing everything that he demanded including coming to therapy on her own.

Why would you choose powerlessness?

When I asked if she was able to talk to him directly about what he wanted, why he was so angry, how she could help him, what he needed, if he still really wanted a divorce, or if he wanted to try and make it work, she said she couldn't do it.

I asked her why she was choosing to stay in such a powerless position? What was her pay off for being in a relationship where she had no voice?

When we looked at this together, she realised she couldn't ask these questions because it meant having to confront the possibility that the relationship was over and she wasn't ready to face that, so she was just going to stay in this place as long as possible and soldier on.

What is your position?

I'm not saying it's easy to get over the endings of relationships and that you should just deal with it, 'choose' to be happy and move on. Or indeed even that you should just accept it is over if that is not what you want.

The real question I'm asking you is what position are you taking and why? Are you staying in a position of pain, powerlessness, unhappiness? Why? What is your pay off?

The clients I talked about above, were both in positions of painful, powerless, limbo really where they were not able to take any action to move towards any outcome for fear of what that might mean.

What do you choose?

In looking at the position they were 'choosing' to take, they are now able to empower themselves to once again make conscious choices about what they want to do either way, rather than feel stuck in a place of sadness and despair.

Be aware that we make choices all the time and as much as you choose pain, you can also choose happiness, freedom and inner peace.