Code Red!!!

It's perfectly normal to struggle with certain feelings such as jealousy, insecurity, anxiety and fear for instance, especially if in your family of origin these feelings were not openly acknowledged.

You can learn how to manage these feelings within your relationship by talking about them with your partner, who will then be able to offer you reassurance and support once they understand what you are feeling.

If you find it difficult to talk to your partner about these feelings, perhaps you could come up with a way to communicate to them that you need their help.

Sometimes you may not even know what it is that you are feeling, but you experience it as a physical sensation, either a tighening of the chest, a cold sick feeling in your stomach, rapid heartbeat and breathlessness or shakiness for example.

I suggest inventing and using code words to bring your partner's attention to the fact that you are struggling with your feelings so they can come to your aid.

For example you could say I need to wave my 'red flag' or 'code red' or 'that pings' or even just 'help me!' This will indicate to your partner that something is happening for you that you need their help to manage.

They will then be able to help you investigate your feelings by asking what is going on, how you feel, or what you are thinking or even just give you a hug until you feel able to verbalise the issue you are struggling with.

The problem with not talking about feelings is that usually as they have nowhere to go, we will 'act them out' in behaviour ranging from making snidey digs and passive aggressiveness, to affairs and full blown violence.

Either that or we will 'act in' where we think about these things over and over in our heads and become depressed, anxious and perhaps to the point where we are dysfunctional.

Before you feel yourself start to engage in any of these kinds of behaviours learn how to call 'code red' between you so you can have an open dialogue about your difficult feelings.

It is through learning to do something differently in our adult relationships that we can truly begin to heal our childhood wounds and grow and learn together both as a couple and individually.