Predicting Relationship Failure

Award winning research scientist, therapist and author  Dr John Gottman has been studying couples' relationships for over 35 years and is now able to determine with 91% accuracy whether or not a couple will still be together in 5 years by simply watching them have a 15 minute conversation about a conflict.

He highlights 4 behaviours which amount to failure of the relationship and calls these, 'The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of Marriage'!

What you will find is that these behaviours cause problems in all relationships, not just our romantic relationships, but also with our friends, family, work colleagues and everyone we meet. So it's worth taking these on board and having a behaviour check with yourself to see whether or not you do these things and how they are working for you in your relationships.


1) Being defensive
When someone is trying to share with you how they are affected by your behaviour, or talk to you about the dynamic of your relationship, being defensive is a rejection of their feelings and tells them they are wrong and their feelings are wrong.

Even if in your opinion the person is being irrational and illogical, that is how they feel and by telling them they are wrong or arguing with them about why they should not feel that way, we are not listening or showing respect for their feelings.

We all have difficult irrational feelings from time to time and this can make us feel very vulnerable to start with, so when your partner deflects your feelings it is even more painful and means we don't feel heard, accepted or even loved.

If you feel yourself becoming defensive, try to step back from the issue and be genuinely curious. Ask your partner why they are upset and be empathic and solution focused. This is not being a doormat or letting them have control over you, it is being kind and supportive and a good friend.

2) Criticising
Complaining is valid, but criticising is hurtful and destroys good will between you. No-one likes to be told they are wrong or bad, but if you have a genuine issue with something your partner did, or didn't do, as the case may be, you do have a right to bring this up and complain about it.

However  stay with the point and don't use words like, 'always' and 'never', you know what I mean, 'you never call when you say you are going to' or 'you are always late to meet me.' Is that sentence strictly true, or is it more like sometimes, or often?

Making sweeping statements is demoralising and offensive to the other person, perhaps they are just doing the best they can. Recognise the times that they have got it right and acknowledge those, then tell them why you were hurt or upset by the situation you are complaining about. Whatever the situation was, stick to what happened in that situation and don't make this into a character assasination.

3) Stonewalling
This is when you ignore and shut down to your partner. This is very painful for your partner because they are unable to get through to you and can make them feel that you don't care or you're not interested in how they feel.

The Gottman research found that 85% of people who do this are men and suggest that this is because physiologically men become more aroused than women during a conflict and shut down in order to cope with the flood of fight or flight hormones released in their bodies.

Letting your partner know this is what you need to do shows respect for their feelings and needs. Tell them you will be able to talk to them about this when you are calm and have had a bit of time and space to sort yourself out rather than just shutting them out without any indication as to what you are doing.

4) Treating each other with contempt
This is the worst behaviour of all and shows a basic lack of respect for your partner. Being condescending, sarcastic, name calling, telling them to shut up, rolling your eyes, making faces, sighing, looking away, shaking your head, preaching, teaching, patronising. I don't think I need to say too much more on this one.


* Next time... I will be looking at the 4 predictors of relationship success.