Transference

Another psychotherapy term, 'transference' is when you expect people to treat you in a certain way that perhaps you were treated in your family...so if perhaps you were rejected by your mother you may expect to be rejected by people in general and particularly in love relationships.

At a subconscious level you may have internalised this expectation of others and so carry this into your adult life and relationships. If you find that you are struggling with the same thing over and over in your relationships, it could be useful to go back and think about how you were treated in your family of origin.

For example, I know for myself that when I was a baby it was fashionable to leave your baby to cry and my mother followed this advice. At a pre-verbal level, if you link this to attachment theory a baby is thrown into terror of annihilation. At some level I may have internalised this unconscious expectation that other people will also not come when I cry or complain.

As a response to this fear I can find it difficult to speak up for myself until I feel sure that I am safe and the person I am with will hear and respond to me appropriately. If I feel my voice is not being heard I can re-experience those early childhood feelings of neglect, fear and anger.

How are you in your own relationships? Do you find it hard to be angry, or upset, or talk about your feelings? Perhaps in your family of origin when you were angry or upset you were criticised, punished or ignored? Perhaps you did not talk about feelings in your family and just learned to 'get on with it'. As a result you don't feel able to express these feelings in your adult relationships as you subconsciously expect or fear that your feelings will again be dismissed in the same way?

What is it that you struggle with? It is worth having a think about how these issues were dealt with (or not as the case may be!) in your family of origin and then talking to your partner about this. Together you can work out together how to connect with this repressed part of you and manage it. From a developmental point of view, we are all looking for growth, learning and integration and with the help of a loving caring partner you can work towards this sense of wholeness together.