Deconstructing the fight cycle

This is something you could try that I find very helpful in trying to understand a couple's conflictual pattern.

Draw a circle.

Take your starting point - the incident - be that person A forgets to call or is late to meet person B, it doesn't really matter what the incident is, what is important is what follows the incident.

So the next stage on the circle will be what happens next. Perhaps person B gets upset and shouts or goes quiet and withdraws. Put that in the second stage on your circle.

The next stage is what happens after this reaction. Perhaps person A shouts back or senses person B going quiet and asks person B what is wrong. Put this in the next stage on your circle.

The next stage follows on from here, you get the picture...perhaps now person B is furious at person A and storms out or person B refuses to answer person A and begins to cry. Put this in the next stage on your circle.

What happens next? What does person A do now, and what does person B do? How do you resolve the conflict, or do you not resolve it and just leave it and carry on until it happens again? Is this pattern working for you or do you find it quite wearing on your emotions and relationship?

You are starting to see where I am going with this aren't you? So just fill in the stages till you have completed the fight cycle and you will have a good picture in front of you to look at the dynamic of your relationship when you are in conflict.

Now think about every time you experience an 'incident', do you generally go round this circle and end up at the same point? Together you can look at the fight cycle, how it starts, how it escalates, how it usually ends and you can start to make intervention agreements between you.

Perhaps at the first point where person A has done something to upset person B you could agree that person B's reaction is difficult for person A to cope with and perhaps instead of shouting or stonewalling, person B could say calmly and assertively, 'I am upset you forgot to call me because I was waiting for you and didn't know if you had forgotten about me, which makes me think you don't care about me.' Person A at that point could just apologise, reassure person B that they do care and then...kiss and make up.

Or perhaps you miss that point and find yourself at the next point where person A begins to get angry and shouts back, what could you do differently that would diffuse the conflict? Perhaps person A could recognise what is happening and say to person B, 'I am sorry I forgot to call you, but you know I do care about you. I know you get anxious and you're just angry because you didn't know what was happening, let's not fight about this.' Then...have a big hug and make up.

Or perhaps you miss this point and find yourself at the next point on the circle, what could you do at that point that would dissolve the issue? Keep going round to each stage till you have looked at all the alternative choices you could make that would stop the cycle spinning out of control.

It will take work, time and practice to change the automatic reactions and habits of a lifetime. Perhaps you will go all the way round the cycle many more times before you get the hang of working together to stop it or at least slow it from spinning the way it does. You are both on the same team so you can both take responsibility for your part in the dynamic and also help the other person when they are less able.

And it doesn't matter if you miss all the points and keep finding yourself at the end point of the cycle, what is really important is that you recognise this has happened between you and talk about it. Talk, talk, talk and keep talking, that is the only way you will be able to deconstruct your fight cycle and work it out, by communicating with each other and working together to reinvent a better relationship wheel to go round on.

Throwing your toys out of the pram...

It's so easy in the heat of the moment to throw all your toys out of the pram and declare yourself, 'Out!' But, be careful, do this too many times and you can seriously damage your relationship. If this type of behaviour becomes a habit, you may soon learn that people get tired of picking up toys and will leave you crying 'wolf' on the mountainside all by yourself. 

It can all feel like too much sometimes, the fights, the emotions, the misunderstandings, but the underlying desire for both of you is to make the relationship work, you just need to recognise that this is what you both want and begin to work together to resolve some of this stuff if you can. Make a conscious decision within yourself not to end things unless you are really sure that is what you want to do and discuss it with friends and family so you are clear on what you are doing and why.

Breaking up in the middle of a disagreement may make you feel like you have control and power back over your lover, but we all really seek security and safety in our relationships with a partner so when you throw the toys out the pram as soon as the going gets tough, it seriously damages trust between the two of you. Eventually you may find your partner will not come to you with important issues that need to be discussed for fear of rocking the boat which culminates in many little things building up over time and eroding your relationship anyway.

If you are going to break up, it’s much better to sit down together and have an adult conversation about why the relationship is not working for you and if it’s possible to work it out or not. If there are too many deal breakers and you both decide it’s just not workable, then the best thing may be to part ways amicably and move on. Find someone else who you are happy to share your toys with and play with them together. 

It's ok to drop a toy or two every now and again, but to throw them all out is just cutting your nose off to spite your face. Your partner is by definition a 'part' of you, so if you hurt them, you are only really hurting yourself.