Big Boys Don't Cry

A couple I know have just found out they are pregnant. When they found out, the man started drinking a lot and began behaving aggressively around the family. He was ambivalent about the pregnancy as he is in his 50s and they both already have 3 children from previous relationships.

What's the connection?

I've recently started working at a swim school with babies and children teaching them how to swim and one of the things that got me thinking was how much compassion I felt for the little boys who were scared of the water.

They cried and didn't want to get into the pool, clung to their mums and panicked if they were left alone in the water.

Boys who cry grow up to become men who don't cry...

I suddenly connected the two and realised that these boys would grow up to become the men that women fall in love with and marry and expect to be strong protectors and defenders of us.

Where did the need and sensitivity go when these little boys grew up, when they were no longer allowed to cling to their mum's legs and express their fear and anxiety? 

Fear is not gender specific. It is human and universal. We all feel it and are affected by it.

Society gives women permission to feel and express their emotions. We acknowledge it is ok for girls to cry and be scared, anxious, nervous, insecure, but if men feel and show this they are saps, wusses, big girls blouses, babies...

It seemed clear to me that the woman's partner was scared, confused and worried about the pregnancy and didn't know how to express it. Instead he was repressing his real feelings and numbing out by drinking.

It's easier to be angry than scared...

He didn't know how to talk to his partner about his concerns and fear so it was easier to push her away by being aggressive and angry.

Naturally the woman's maternal instinct kicks in to protect her two children and unborn child and so she asked him to leave, when all he really needed was to talk to her about how he felt so they could manage the situation together and support each other.

Babies are not always only wonderful...

We have this idea in society that pregnancy is a wonderful thing to be celebrated and embraced by our friends, families and partners, but the reality is that it is also very hard work and a huge life long responsibility to undertake.

Having been through raising three children previously in an unsuccessful relationship, he quite probably knows what the new baby will entail and how difficult it will be.

As well as all his own insecurities being triggered as to how he has not been able to be a good enough father to the 2 children he already has.

I wonder if behind this strong angry man, we can see the frightened little boy standing at the edge of the pool crying and holding onto his mum's skirt...