Green eyed monster

Jealousy to a certain degree is healthy and normal in a close relationship. It shows our partner that we feel our attachment to them is being threatened and our feelings of jealousy are in response to that.

The problem is that if we don't recognise or allow ourselves to feel this and express it in an adult way we can actually create the very situation we are afraid of. So it goes like this, you are in a bar and see your lover talking to an attractive stranger and you feel suddenly jealous, insecure, possibly even angry, curious perhaps, but something shifts inside you and it unsettles you.

Do you storm over and grab a hold of your partner and say to the stranger, 'Excuse me who do you think you are talking to?' Before dragging your bemused lover away from the danger zone. Or do you storm out of the bar without saying a word and then send your partner a sarcastic text message like, 'Looks like you are having enough fun without me so enjoy the rest of your night.' And then refuse to pick up their phone calls. Or do you say nothing all night, seethe with rage inside and then later scream abuse at your partner and break up with them?

Or do you walk over smile and introduce yourself to the stranger politely and find out who they are, then later tell your partner when you are alone, 'Hey, you know when you were talking to that hot girl/guy I felt really jealous. I must really like you huh?! I want you all to myself!' This lets your partner know that you noted the threat to your relationship, but you are secure enough to trust them and tolerate this feeling of uncertainty. Your partner will most likely respond to you by offering reassurance and reaffirm the security you have in your relationship together.

If you have a propensity to do any of the previous options, you will well know that an incident such as the stranger in the bar, that lasted perhaps a few minutes could end up being drawn out to a few days of a seriously threatened attachment as your partner withdraws from your attacking behaviour.

There's nothing wrong with being jealous, indeed if you didn't feel jealous at all in your relationship there would be something wrong in that maybe you don't really care about this person or losing them. However, excessive jealousy can be very wearing on intimacy in a relationship. If you and your partner cannot trust each other at all and you feel you are constantly treading on eggshells then this may be something that you need to look at individually in yourselves.