Anger is a healthy and normal reaction to danger or stress, it comes from our survival instinct of fight or flight, however, it is important to recognise when anger crosses the line from a release of tension to becoming abusive and destructive to your relationship and partner.
When we feel our attachments to our partners are threatened we can often react angrily, it could be anything from the discovery that your partner is having an affair to them turning up late or not calling when they said they would. I'm never justifying or condoning any kind of violence or abuse under any circumstance, ever, but if they are having an affair, I could see how this perhaps could warrant a slap in the face as a genuine betrayal. However, if your partner just forgot to call, or rocked up late for your date and for that receives a slap in the face, alarm bells should be ringing big time.
No-one can 'make you' feel or do anything and to over react in such a way can not be blamed on the other person, that is taking the easy way out. It is the individual's responsibility to look at why they get so angry, where this rage comes from and if it is disproportionate to the issue, how they can deal better with this difficult emotion. Often times this huge rage comes from a place in the past where they may have been hurt, disappointed, betrayed or abandoned either by a previous partner, or more powerfully, by caregivers or people they trusted in their families of origin.
Romantic relationships can re-engage and trigger all these earlier childhood or previous bad feelings as old childhood attachment patterns are reactivated, similar to post traumatic stress disorder, the fear and terror can be as painful as the original experience. Anger then becomes a defence against the primary emotions of pain, fear, vulnerability to protect against being hurt further.
If you have difficulty with anger in a relationship, it may be useful for you to get individual counselling to explore this. Once you recognise where this anger comes from and how powerful and destructive it can be to the people around you, you can begin to take steps to manage this.
As soon as you feel yourself begin to lose control, try to step away from the feeling, perhaps take a time out, go for a walk, have a cup of tea, calm down before you try to continue talking about what you are upset about. If you can explain to your partner you need to deal with yourself and you will talk about the problem when you are calmer and in a better head space that is fantastic. If not, just do what you need to do to get a hold of yourself and explain later to them what you need in that situation and why you do what you do.
You can only help someone with their anger if they are aware they have a problem and want your help with it. If your partner struggles with anger, it is important that you keep yourself safe and have firm boundaries on your position in regards to this. Tell your partner gently but firmly, when they get very angry how difficult and scary it is for you and let them know that you still love and want to be with them, but when they are like that you will not engage with them. Tell them that you are still there for them and when they have calmed down you are happy to talk to them about how they are feeling.
A bit of anger in your relationship can be exciting and healthy for keeping the passion alive between you, establishing boundaries and trust, even reaffirming where you stand with each other. However, what you need to watch out for is whether you are really angry with your partner for something they've done so wrong to you, or if this is about something else and they are just the trigger for a deeper previous injury.
Treat your lovers gently, we are all sensitive, vulnerable creatures. Underneath the anger and shouting we are just asking to be hugged, loved and made to feel safe.
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