Do you have a good relationship with yourself?

I really love this quote from Rilke.

"Love is something difficult and it is more difficult than other things because in other conflicts nature herself enjoins men to collect themselves, to take themselves firmly in the hand with all their strength, while in the heightening of love the impulse is to give oneself wholly away." 

Rainer Maria Rilke: From Letters to a Young Poet - Letter Seven (14 May 1904) 

It is so true, love by virtue of itself, inspires us to give everything away.

However, to be in love and maintain a healthy fulfilling relationship you need to develop a really strong sense of self and personal boundaries.

Knowing who you are, your strengths and vulnerabilities, what makes you happy and what you don't like, fundamentally having a great relationship with yourself first, will put you in good stead for a strong thriving relationship with another person.

To give all of yourself away in the name of love is a beautiful thing, but it also has the undertone of not taking responsibility for your own feelings.

There needs to be a balance between how much you give away and how much you keep for yourself and how you negotiate these with yourself first and your relationship second.

This may sound hugely unromantic and rather selfish, but the fact of it is without a healthy happy self, there is little chance of a healthy happy relationship...start with loving you, then put the work into your relationships.

Please don't explain!!!

This is a great post on why both blaming and explaining are forms of control and ineffective communication... I just want to explain!

Sorry to cheat and repost other blog articles.

I am very busy at the moment, but will post more of my own work over the summer.

x

Need versus Desire...

This is a really interesting blog post on Emotional needs 

I love this quote:

"To be free to do something, you must be free not to do it." 

Such a powerful idea and so true...

Happy Pancake day!

 xxx

Are You a Self Help Junkie??

This is an excellent article...self help fatigue

I couldn't agree more with her sentiment.

xxx

Happy Valentine's Day

Couples...

Hope you're having a lovely day with your beloved...but remember today is just a day like any another day.

Every day is Valentine's day, in that you value, appreciate and respect your partner and relationship fully.

Singles...

And if you're single, this is a good time to think about what it is you are looking for in your prospective partners. This is a day of hope and excitement for what the future holds in store for you.

If you're out tonight, you can be sure that this is the best night to meet someone as all the couples will be clearly delineated and the available singles will be unambiguously unattached!

XOXO

What Keeps You Alone?

I was listening to this brilliant song by Fink today, which expresses so clearly his pain around an awareness that he has a defence mechanism - which he refers to in his lyrics as 'the thing' - that actually keeps people away, including the one he loves. 

This Is The Thing - Fink

I don't know if you notice anything different.
It's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long
And I don't know if you even notice at all
That I'm long gone

And the things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And the things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

I don't know if you notice anything missing
Like the leaves on the trees or my clothes all over the floor
And I don't know if you even notice at all
'Cause I was real quiet when I closed the door

And there are things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And there are things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

And I don't know if you notice anything different
I don't know if you even notice at all.


Life or death...

I think it's very powerful that he talks about staying 'alive', because in moments of stress, or when we feel threatened, our bodies do get triggered in a fight or flight state where we are in a state of survival.

We can feel like we are in a life or death situation even though rationally this may not be the case.

We all have a 'Thing'...

We all have a 'Thing' or 'defence mechanisms', these are the behaviours we have learnt to keep people away from our really soft, vulnerable parts. To a certain extent we need these 'things' in order to feel safe in the world, but some of these will serve us better than others.

For example, it may be a quick wit, sharp sense of humour, self deprecation or extreme assertiveness which could actually serve you very well socially and be seen almost as who you are and your personality to the people who know you.

However, it could also be anger, withdrawal or arrogance, which may work at keeping people away and thus the perceived threat they bring, but it may also shut out the people we do want to draw close to us.

It's hard to kick a dog when it's down...

When we have been hurt in the past, we can struggle with being vulnerable. But it's worthwhile to know that it is actually very difficult to attack a person when they are being honest and vulnerable with us.

And if someone does takes advantage of your vulnerability when you show it to them, you can be sure this is not a person you want to be in a longterm relationship with anyway.


What keeps you alone?

It's important to be aware of the 'thing' we 'do' and when it really is safe to let down our walls and show our true selves so we can connect with each other authentically.
 
Perhaps without knowing it, we keep ourselves apart from the ones we love in order to keep ourselves safe, but at the same time we keep ourselves alone... 

You are NOT listening to me!!

If you think you know how to listen, then maybe have a think about what listening is not and then see if you still think you are a good listener...

Listening is NOT:

• Looking at the other person, nodding, looking like you are listening, but really having our own inner conversation with ourselves in our heads about what we think about what this person is saying and effectively judging this person.

• Whilst the other person is talking, listening to see how we can direct the conversation according to our own agenda.

• Listening to see if you agree or disagree with what the other person is saying to us.

• Waiting for the other person to finish so then we can get to say what we think and our point of view.

• Being excited to keep bantering back and forth and be as funny, impressive and witty as we can be.

• Trying to get the conversation to go where you want it to go, so you get your needs met.

• Not giving the other person space to think about what they are trying to say to you.

Listening is...

• One of the most important, if not THE most important skill you will need to develop, maintain and nurture your relationships. 

•  A chance for you to really get to know your partner and build a level of trust and understanding that goes beyond words.  

• Accepting, empowering, empathising, supporting and loving.