Men Are More Emotionally Sensitive Than Women...

It seems counterintuitive but it's true. When women are upset or angry with their male partners, it triggers all kinds of emotional responses.

It dates back to those primitive cavemen days when men had to go out and hunt for food and women stayed home and looked after the children.

The fight or flight response was necessary for survival, so when faced with threat or danger, the male's nervous system would be flooded with cortisol and adrenalin, ready for battle or to run away.

Neither of these reactions are probably helpful when his female partner wants to be comforted and reassured because she is upset about something and he shouts at her, or when she wants to talk things through and he walks out on her...but these are often the results of that emotional response.

So recognise that pattern next time you get caught up in a frustrating emotional interaction and give yourselves some time to calm down before you revisit the topic of conversation and see if you can work out a solution when you are both in a more rational state of mind...

xxx

Don't Throw it Out; Work it Out!

I have a new cardigan, which I love. Yay!

However, it's so annoying, because my bag keeps getting caught on it and pulling at the threads. My cardigan is not looking so new any longer... :(

However, my new cardigan and bag go really well together and I like this outfit. Sigh...

So what's that got to do with anything I hear you say...well it got me thinking about how relationships work, of course!

Sometimes in relationships you can go together really well, it looks good, it just works. But in spite of that  you can get caught on each other and pull at your threads.

Sometimes, it's going to be one of you that seems to suffer more (cardigan) and one of you who is less affected (bag). So then what?

Either you don't wear the bag and cardigan together (break up) and try to find another outfit combination that doesn't catch as much, but maybe doesn't match as well in terms of colour, or style etc.

Or, you have to be very careful when you wear this combination, not to catch your cardigan on your bag, which can be uncomfortable and annoying.

Or what I did was figure out which part of the bag was catching - it happened to be the zip - and fixed it so that the bit sticking out didn't catch anymore. Problem solved!

So my point is this. In relationships, sometimes you can catch each other and pull at your threads (hurt each other's feelings).

You can either give up on the relationship and choose something else that doesn't catch, but maybe isn't as good in other areas.

Or you can stay in the relationship (keep wearing the same bag and cardigan together) and try to be careful, but still get irritated that the cardigan inevitably gets caught on and is eventually spoilt, so you give up on it anyway.

Or you can spend a little time investigating what it is about the bag that catches the cardigan and how to alter it so that it no longer happens, or happens less frequently or easily.

By that I mean, spend some time figuring out what it is about you and your partner that catches on your threads and figure out how to minimise this damage so you are free to enjoy the rest of your relationship for everything good and lovely that it is...

In short, if you like it - don't throw it out; work it out.

xxx

Unresolved Conflict...

I've been working a lot lately with clients who have arrived in counselling due to a 'back log' of unresolved issues, offences, hurts, disappointments and frustrations.

These have either been buried, pushed away or built into a wall between the couple or had the effect of creating a massive disconnection over time.

I found it nicely summed up by Dr Margaret Paul in the following:

'Conflict occurs in all relationships, and if both people are not open to learning about themselves and each other within the conflict, the unresolved conflicts will eventually destroy the relationship.'

It's not the issue or the problem itself, but how you deal with it. The next day or week, the issue itself may be gone, but what remains is the meanness and the unkindness.

If you called each other names, swore at each other, told them to 'get over it, it's no big deal', walked out, threw something at them, told them to shut up...those are the things that stain and scar and erode the love and connection between you.

Worst of all, the initial issue which sparked the conflict remains unresolved and eventually, over time, there are so many 'crimes' between you that it is difficult to even see why you are still together anymore.

There is a limited amount of time before the relationship dies and neither partner wants to continue trying to make it work.

When a couple are in love, they are much more sensitive to each other, so when conflict is so painful, sometimes it makes it harder to go back to the original issue to resolve it after the damage of the fight when it caused so much distress in the first place.

The problem is, the issue doesn't just go away, it just goes into storage.

These issues then collect and either get taken out everytime another conflict arises as 'ammunition' or 'evidence'  as the opportunity to revisit an old wound that hasn't healed, which only worsens and intensifies the argument, or is parked and gathers impact everytime a similar 'shaped' offence arises.

We've all heard the saying, 'the straw that broke the camel's back'. There are only so many straws we can all carry before we break our relationships...The work I do is to encourage couples to put down all of their straws and then deal with them one by one.

Sometimes, all it takes is for one person to say, 'when you did..., I felt like... and I didn't like it.' And for the partner to hear them, not argue, defend, explain, shut down or attack, but simply listen, acknowledge, thank them for sharing and say, 'I'm sorry.' Sometimes that is all it takes to resolve the issue and from there you can work on how to go forward together to make changes that work for both of you.

Article quoted here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/margaret-paul-phd/meeting-the-right-person_b_873407.html

Happy New Year!!

This article is a great way to start a new year: http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

x

Bad Relationship Ideas

I have been subscribing the Susie and Otto Collins' newsletter for a few years now and I thought this email was great so have reposted it below. Enjoy!


7 Ridiculously Bad Relationship Ideas...
 
By Susie and Otto Collins

If you've ever wondered what happened when things
have been going along pretty well in your relationship
and suddenly, it feels like the bottom just fell out and
you don't know why...

You're not alone.

We've all been there and felt that sinking feeling that
we don't have a clue how this disagreement and
separation happened.

After working with thousands of people and trying
out ideas in our own relationship, we've figured
out that when one or both of you get argumentative,
manipulative, shut down, mistrustful, discouraged,
infuriated or whatever happens in your drama...

It's because of a bad relationship idea--and those "bad"
ideas turn into beliefs that you hang onto for dear life.

Here's the thing about a belief...

It's just an idea you've practiced over and over--which is
all well and good if it brings you the ease and happiness
you want.

But if the belief or idea doesn't bring you what you want,
then it's worth looking at to see if you want to start
practicing another idea or belief that might work better.

There are many "bad" relationship ideas but here are
7 really "good" ones to stay away from...

1. Thinking relationship problems will go away if you
ignore them.

They usually don't. They usually just keep getting bigger
until you HAVE to do something about them or someone
else takes some action that you may or may not like.

The problem comes in trying to decide if something's
petty and not worth the effort bringing up or you've brought
it up many times in the past and nothing changes...

Or if you need to bring it up because it will only get bigger
if you don't.

A guideline we use is to first look at what I'm doing to
contribute to this situation and then speak from that
place inside with the desire to clear up whatever
misunderstanding there might be.

We might use "Magic Words" like these...
(http://www.MagicRelationshipWords.com)

"I can see that I do this to keep us apart. Can we
talk about how we both contribute to this problem
and find a better way to be together?"

2. Creating a "blended family" and thinking that
love alone will overcome all obstacles. 

When attraction hits two people, they usually
believe that everything will just work out because
they are so in love.

But if there are two families that need to somehow
magically blend together in the process, there are
usually big problems that can break up even the
most loving couple.

Instead of the idea that "love will somehow be
enough," you have to get practical and create ways
you both agree upon that gets you on the same
parenting page.

Communication is key and learning how to do it
effectively with a number of personalities and needs
in the mix needs to be a priority if the blended family
will work.

3. Using Facebook or other social media to air the
private, intimate details of your relationship or to
embarrass your partner.

You may think you're being entertaining if you post
intimate details about your relationship or make fun
of your partner but what you risk can be far greater
than the feeling you get from being "clever."

So, our recommendation is--before you ever post
anything on Facebook, Twitter or any other social
media outlet, simply stop, take a moment and consider
how your post might feel to your partner.
Consider what you're about to post and if you truly
want others to know this detail about your life and your
relationship.

4. Holding back your truth out of fear.

We call this "talking on eggshells" and what we've
found is that if it's done consistently, it leads to
resentment, separation and possibly explosions
when you least expect it.

You can find more information on how to stop
talking on eggshells at Stop Talking On Eggshells

If this is a problem for you, one way to start being
more authentic is to tune into yourself when you feel
yourself stiffen up, talk around a situation, placate,
not answer a question directly or any other number
of ways you might talk on eggshells.

Recognizing what triggers this reaction is the first
place to start dealing with it and changing it.

5. Thinking you can change your partner.

One of our teachers told us this and we've seen it
play out over and over...

"Women marry men hoping they'll change; men
marry women hoping they won't."

Whether you're a man or a woman, it just seems
to be human nature that we either want our partner
to change in some way--or stay the same and never
change (even though they do).

In either case, you are arguing against reality and
what isn't there in front of you.

While we certainly encourage couples to learn and
grow, we also recognize that this desire has to come
from within the person.

So if you want your partner to change, begin to
appreciate and notice what's right and more in
line with what you want rather than focusing on
what you don't want.

We know it takes some practice but it's worth it!

6. Continuing to believe a partner is innocent (or guilty)
when the evidence suggests otherwise.

When you argue against reality, you always lose.

Even though it may take courage to confront an issue
either with your partner and within yourself--and set
a boundary...

Ultimately, it's for your own good and growth.

Stop yourself from making up untrue stories and stick
to the facts.

Then take action from that knowing place inside you.

7. Thinking passion, love and connection is supposed
to die

Here's the deal...
If you have this idea that love, intimacy and even red
hot passion in the bedroom is supposed to fade
away--even unconsciously, that's exactly what's going
to happen, especially if you don't do anything to keep
your relationship alive.

We say...

Passion, love and connection doesn't have to die.

Believe it or not, it's a choice.

So make the choice that you're going to keep your love
alive and then do the things you need to do to keep
growing together.

There you have it...7 bad relationship ideas.

We invite you to become conscious of the ideas and
beliefs that you carry in your life...and do something
to change them if they aren't bringing you the life and
happiness you want.

Our best to you,

Susie and Otto Collins

Don't take it personal...

This is a great blog post from Dr Margaret Paul about how we feel to blame for other's behaviour:

http://www.innerbonding.com/show-article/2883/if-you-really-loved-me-you-wouldnt.html

It's very much in line with the work I do around attachment behaviours. Under stress or threat, we often revert to learned attachment behaviours from our childhood, which might be withdrawal, silence, shutting down, or blaming, anger and attack.

These behaviours are normal and just a way of coping in high emotion situations, but over time if these behaviours are not acknowledged and resolved, your relationship can be eroded as you continuously disconnect and alienate each other.

Once you get to the point of 'no return' the relationship is over and you walk away no wiser, only to repeat your same patterns in your next relationship.

Dr Margaret Paul's article emphasises how we can take loving care or ourselves in order to move to a place where we can come back together and heal our relationships and in turn, each other and ourselves.

Co-dependent Serenity Prayer

This made me giggle today:

Codependent's Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change,
the courage to change the one I can,
and the wisdom to know it's me.

~Author Unknown