'She/he is just a friend!'
I always find these situations so uncomfortable and tricky, because whoever is having the affair is 'technically' not doing/done anything 'wrong'. ie they have not physically 'consumated' the affair...YET.
So their story is, 'What is your problem? She/he is just a friend!'
The upset partner is struggling to come to terms with this threat to their relationship and double betrayal in that their partner is sharing emotional intimacy with another person and then denying that they have a right to be hurt by this. It's all shades of gray.
Confusion
A lot of the time, there is a lot of confusion as the hurt partner tries to reconcile the information discovered/being given, and the very painful feelings they are experiencing.
They try to make the two stories match, but struggle to cope with wanting to be close and loving to their partner and being hurt, confused and angry at them.
The hurt partner expresses their feelings in the form of anger, questioning, jealousy, mistrust, withdrawal, ultimatums...etc. which creates the opposite effect of what it is they actually want/need, which is to be reassured and comforted by their partner and to have their belief and trust in the relationship restored.
Pushing him right into her arms
Their behaviour pushes their partner away even more, usually into the arms of the person who they are getting close to in the first place. It's all very dangerous ground.
And the most dangerous part of all is that an affair, especially an emotional affair, is usually symptomatic of deeper unresolved issues within the relationship.
The person having the emotional affair may be looking for something that they have lost in their original relationship, be that intimacy, desire, excitement, passion, novelty, attraction, friendship...
What is missing?
Because something is missing and the couple have not talked about it or come to an agreement on how to rediscover/create/find this, the relationship is vulnerable.
In a way the person having the emotional affair is the one who is more aware of the lack/loss as they are looking for it with another person and this may come as a sudden wake up call to their partner when they discover this threat.
There are no 'villains' and 'victims'
It is just as difficult for the person who is having the emotional affair, because they are also struggling to reconcile their feelings of need, guilt and anger.
They are not the 'villain' in the story and the partner the 'innocent victim', yet they are made to feel this way and are further reminded of their sadness and disconnection from their partner.
They have found something of what they felt missing in their new friendship, but what they probably wanted for a long time before this was for it to be present within their current relationship.
You are both hurting...
So the person having the emotional affair has probably been hurting for as much time, if not more before this crisis came about.
Now the issue has blown itself up into the daylight, the hurt betrayed partner who appears the victim further damages the relationship problem by reacting to their pain and pushing their partner away.
They find themselves locked in a battle of emotion, hurt, pain, betrayal, need, loss, fear, anger, suspicion, mistrust, denial, accusation...and then they come to couples counselling!
I also found this article interesting: The danger of an emotional affair.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Wednesday, 22 December 2010
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Do you spit or swallow?
I have just started reading 'Women who Love too much' by Robin Norwood.
I will tell you what I think of the book in a bit, but before that, I did find validity in the following quotes and just wanted to share:
This book is aimed at a certain type of woman outlined by Norwood who 'loves too much' and is continuously attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I must point out that I am reading this book with a healthy sceptism as I tend to be heavily against labelling or pigeonholing 'types' of people.
I'm much more a believer in the human condition, that we all have our failings and are flawed in some way, but these foibles are what make us unique and individual.
However, the above quotes did really resonate for me beyond the wider message of the book, she has pointed out something very key here.
The more repression; the more rebellion...
I was thinking about the idea we work with in therapy that the more repression there is, the more rebellion, or acting out there is, if there are no conversations about what is going on between you.
For example a common one (not to be stereotypical, but this is a situation I have seen quite a few times in my practice) might be a husband who feels his wife is not giving him enough attention or is too preoccupied with the children, the household chores, or her career.
If there is no conversation about this between them and agreement on how his needs can be better met, acting out in this instance could be flirting with other people, having an emotional or sexual affair, or even anger and violence.
Sorry honey, I burnt your dinner...
Acting out could also take the form of passive aggressive behaviour.
For example (another stereotype, sorry) if the woman in a relationship is unhappy because her husband is preoccupied with his work, social life, sports, recreational activities etc. she may withhold sex, or refuse to engage with him when he is talking to her about something he is excited about.
You know the old cliches where the wife purposely burn his shirts when ironing them, or leaves his food in the oven too long. You get the idea!
Swallowing the feelings...
'Acting in' is the other possibility, when people take the emotions they are feeling and unable to express them, swallow them and turn all their sadness, rage and frustration in on themselves.
This usually takes the form of depression and is very dangerous because it can lead to suicidal feelings and possible suicide attempts, self harm, overeating, alcoholism...pushing the feelings down further.
Naughty kids acting out? Quiet kids acting in?
If we read the above quotes by Robin Norwood and think about the 'acting out' and 'acting in' concepts, we can see that when children are being very rebellious and naughty, or very quiet and withdrawn, there is the possibility that these are the first signs that something going on for them.
Because they are unable to express this, they are presenting challenging behaviour as a cry for help really, rather than a personality defect.
So do you spit or swallow?
So how did issues and emotions get dealt with in your families?
Were problems talked about openly?
Were you encouraged to spit out what you were thinking and feeling so they could be discussed?
Or did you learn how to swallow pain, fear, sorrow?
As an adult, how do you cope with issues, fears, feelings?
Have you carried the ways of dealing with problems you learnt in your families of origin into your adult life and relationships?
Are you able to talk about these things with friends, partners, lovers, family now?
Do you 'act out' or 'act in' when you are unable to express yourself?
How do you think you could start to break these patterns from today???
I will tell you what I think of the book in a bit, but before that, I did find validity in the following quotes and just wanted to share:
'It is important to understand...that what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. There may be other problems that are discussed, often ad nauseum, but these often cover up the underlying secrets that make the family dysfunctional. It is the degree of secrecy - the inability to talk about the problems - rather than their severity, that defines both how dysfunctional a family becomes and how severely its members are damaged.' (p.12)She goes on to say:
'Because our family denies our reality, we begin to deny it too.' (p.13)I thought these quotes were so very important to get a hold of.
This book is aimed at a certain type of woman outlined by Norwood who 'loves too much' and is continuously attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I must point out that I am reading this book with a healthy sceptism as I tend to be heavily against labelling or pigeonholing 'types' of people.
I'm much more a believer in the human condition, that we all have our failings and are flawed in some way, but these foibles are what make us unique and individual.
However, the above quotes did really resonate for me beyond the wider message of the book, she has pointed out something very key here.
The more repression; the more rebellion...
I was thinking about the idea we work with in therapy that the more repression there is, the more rebellion, or acting out there is, if there are no conversations about what is going on between you.
For example a common one (not to be stereotypical, but this is a situation I have seen quite a few times in my practice) might be a husband who feels his wife is not giving him enough attention or is too preoccupied with the children, the household chores, or her career.
If there is no conversation about this between them and agreement on how his needs can be better met, acting out in this instance could be flirting with other people, having an emotional or sexual affair, or even anger and violence.
Sorry honey, I burnt your dinner...
Acting out could also take the form of passive aggressive behaviour.
For example (another stereotype, sorry) if the woman in a relationship is unhappy because her husband is preoccupied with his work, social life, sports, recreational activities etc. she may withhold sex, or refuse to engage with him when he is talking to her about something he is excited about.
You know the old cliches where the wife purposely burn his shirts when ironing them, or leaves his food in the oven too long. You get the idea!
Swallowing the feelings...
'Acting in' is the other possibility, when people take the emotions they are feeling and unable to express them, swallow them and turn all their sadness, rage and frustration in on themselves.
This usually takes the form of depression and is very dangerous because it can lead to suicidal feelings and possible suicide attempts, self harm, overeating, alcoholism...pushing the feelings down further.
Naughty kids acting out? Quiet kids acting in?
If we read the above quotes by Robin Norwood and think about the 'acting out' and 'acting in' concepts, we can see that when children are being very rebellious and naughty, or very quiet and withdrawn, there is the possibility that these are the first signs that something going on for them.
Because they are unable to express this, they are presenting challenging behaviour as a cry for help really, rather than a personality defect.
So do you spit or swallow?
So how did issues and emotions get dealt with in your families?
Were problems talked about openly?
Were you encouraged to spit out what you were thinking and feeling so they could be discussed?
Or did you learn how to swallow pain, fear, sorrow?
As an adult, how do you cope with issues, fears, feelings?
Have you carried the ways of dealing with problems you learnt in your families of origin into your adult life and relationships?
Are you able to talk about these things with friends, partners, lovers, family now?
Do you 'act out' or 'act in' when you are unable to express yourself?
How do you think you could start to break these patterns from today???
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Q & A - Sexual tension.
Hi Priscilla,
I have a question……how do you pour cold water over the situation when the tension is just too strong?
Meeting with the guy I'm seeing for our third date tomorrow before he goes away on Thursday for two weeks. But even on the bbm its lots of innuendos and suggestions. We match in that sense…LOL. We are so hot for each other, but I don't want to go so fast or sleep with him too soon and get attached.
Also any ideas for where to go on the date? Ahaaaa perhaps theatre show or bowling? What do you think?
Yours,
Excited.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Excited.
Thank you for your email.
I suggest you let him decide on where to go on your date. You are the one he is trying to convince and woo remember, so don't be so 'nice' and 'considerate' at this stage. Plenty of time to be nice to your husband later : )
Secondly, you can't pretend the sexual tension is not there, so just acknowledge it.
Feel what you feel, accept that is how you feel and say it out loud to him so it is not an unspoken tension/conflict anymore. By doing this you regain control over what you want to do about it, instead of feeling controlled by your feelings.
So, when you feel it, or when you see him and the timing is right, make a joke, hahaha, we are like desperate to jump each other's bones, the sexual tension is ridiculous isn't it?!!
Then suddenly the power of this unspoken tension is released and what you want to do with this is all in your hands and not some kind of crazy, out of control, sexual madness between you. Plenty of time for that stuff when you are really ready and want to move things forward.
Because you are being authentic and honest about how you feel in a non-threatening fun way, he will respect you and be totally shocked by how comfortable you are with your feelings.
Try it : ) let me know how it goes!!
Priscilla.
Try it : ) let me know how it goes!!
Priscilla.
x
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wowzers! Thanks so much!
You can really hit the nail on the head and empower!
Perfect solution. Will let you know the outcome...
Yours,
Excited.
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Online Dating Tips
As promised in my previous post on online dating here are my tips...
1) Keep your email interactions short and snappy.
The aim of online dating is not to be communicating with each other online forever, but to get out on a date and see how you get on. Anyone can be charming, funny, exciting online, you need to meet them to see how they translate in real life and see if there is any chemistry between you and an authentic connection. You will usually have a good idea within the first few minutes if there is any long term potential.
2) Keep phone calls short and snappy.
If you exchange numbers and decide to have a conversation on the phone before meeting, or perhaps to arrange your meeting, keep this brief and to the point. You may find you get along very well on the phone, but when you meet up you find there is nothing between you but now feel obliged to maintain the facade of getting along very well in person.
3) Keep first dates short and snappy.
The best idea for a first date would be an afternoon coffee or an after work drink. That way you are not tied into sitting through a whole dinner or theatre show with someone you feel absolutely no spark with. If you do get along and want to see each other again, that will be apparent and you can take it from there.
4) Go on a second date if you are not sure after the first date.
But don't go on a third date if you are still not sure after the second date. You can only flog a dead horse for so long, as they say. If there's nothing there, there's nothing there, let it go and move on.
5) Don't kiss on your first date if you intend to muti-date.
If you want to date a few different people at the same time before you decide who you are going to commit to, getting into the physical side of things too quickly can be confusing. Save your kisses for at least your second or third dates, or when the moment feels right between you.
6) Definitely don't sleep with someone till you are sure about them.
We are designed to feel attachment and want to bond to people we have sex with, so bear that in mind. Your body can make you believe you are in love with someone, when you don't even know them yet. Also have consideration for the people you are dating and their feelings.
7) Don't fixate.
The great thing about online dating is the opportunity it gives you to multi-date; in that way providing you with options so you don't fixate on any one person. If you had a great date and there were promises made to call the next day and no phone call comes, you have a choice of other people to talk to, or arrange to meet up with. Don't be crushed by this 'no show', your potential partner could be busy or a slow burner and may take a few days or weeks before calling again. After one date it's still early days, so relax and give things the space to become what they will be.
8) Honesty is the best policy.
It may not be easy to reject people, but if you really don't feel anything or see a future with someone, don't keep them hanging on for another date with you. Setting them free to find someone who will look at them and feel about them the way you want to be able to feel and see someone is the biggest favour you can do for them. It may not feel good in the short term for either of you, but at least you are not wasting anyone else's time and you both know where you stand.
9) Have fun.
Dating should be fun and freeing so don't take it too seriously and just enjoy it. This is your time to go out and date lots of different people who you might not normally get the chance to meet. Even if you don't fall head over heels in love with the man of your dreams, remember it's the journey not the destination. You could still end up having a lot of fun and making some really good friends!
10) Keep the faith.
Don't give up hope if you have a bad date, or even a string of bad dates. It's a game of numbers, just keep getting yourself out there and remain open to opportunity, you never know what your next date holds in store for you.
1) Keep your email interactions short and snappy.
The aim of online dating is not to be communicating with each other online forever, but to get out on a date and see how you get on. Anyone can be charming, funny, exciting online, you need to meet them to see how they translate in real life and see if there is any chemistry between you and an authentic connection. You will usually have a good idea within the first few minutes if there is any long term potential.
2) Keep phone calls short and snappy.
If you exchange numbers and decide to have a conversation on the phone before meeting, or perhaps to arrange your meeting, keep this brief and to the point. You may find you get along very well on the phone, but when you meet up you find there is nothing between you but now feel obliged to maintain the facade of getting along very well in person.
3) Keep first dates short and snappy.
The best idea for a first date would be an afternoon coffee or an after work drink. That way you are not tied into sitting through a whole dinner or theatre show with someone you feel absolutely no spark with. If you do get along and want to see each other again, that will be apparent and you can take it from there.
4) Go on a second date if you are not sure after the first date.
But don't go on a third date if you are still not sure after the second date. You can only flog a dead horse for so long, as they say. If there's nothing there, there's nothing there, let it go and move on.
5) Don't kiss on your first date if you intend to muti-date.
If you want to date a few different people at the same time before you decide who you are going to commit to, getting into the physical side of things too quickly can be confusing. Save your kisses for at least your second or third dates, or when the moment feels right between you.
6) Definitely don't sleep with someone till you are sure about them.
We are designed to feel attachment and want to bond to people we have sex with, so bear that in mind. Your body can make you believe you are in love with someone, when you don't even know them yet. Also have consideration for the people you are dating and their feelings.
7) Don't fixate.
The great thing about online dating is the opportunity it gives you to multi-date; in that way providing you with options so you don't fixate on any one person. If you had a great date and there were promises made to call the next day and no phone call comes, you have a choice of other people to talk to, or arrange to meet up with. Don't be crushed by this 'no show', your potential partner could be busy or a slow burner and may take a few days or weeks before calling again. After one date it's still early days, so relax and give things the space to become what they will be.
8) Honesty is the best policy.
It may not be easy to reject people, but if you really don't feel anything or see a future with someone, don't keep them hanging on for another date with you. Setting them free to find someone who will look at them and feel about them the way you want to be able to feel and see someone is the biggest favour you can do for them. It may not feel good in the short term for either of you, but at least you are not wasting anyone else's time and you both know where you stand.
9) Have fun.
Dating should be fun and freeing so don't take it too seriously and just enjoy it. This is your time to go out and date lots of different people who you might not normally get the chance to meet. Even if you don't fall head over heels in love with the man of your dreams, remember it's the journey not the destination. You could still end up having a lot of fun and making some really good friends!
10) Keep the faith.
Don't give up hope if you have a bad date, or even a string of bad dates. It's a game of numbers, just keep getting yourself out there and remain open to opportunity, you never know what your next date holds in store for you.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Perfect
We all have a set of standards that we live by and usually this is a good thing as it encourages us to keep aiming for something higher and continuously improve ourselves. However, there can be a point where we are too hard on ourselves and the people around us. Perhaps you grew up in a family or environment where you needed to meet a set of expectations in order to be loved or to keep the peace.
Alanis Morissette talks about this in her song 'Perfect'.
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying?
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect.
When you were a child if you felt that you had to be 'perfect' in order to be loved and had to learn how to keep to a set of rules, you may have subconsciously internalised these rules and continue to live by them as an adult.
Perhaps it was little things like not leaving your socks lying around or dirty dishes in the sink, or it could veer to the more extreme end of OCD levels of cleanliness.
What was the consequence of not keeping to these rules or standards as a child? Do these consequences still apply? How does it affect you if you don't keep to these rules, do you physically feel anxious and panicky? How do you feel when people around you don't follow these rules?
It may be difficult living with a person who has a different set of standards and rules for living than you and it will affect both of you. It could be helpful to think about which rules you have adopted from your childhood and which rules can be loosened now. To lessen conflict over not meeting each other's expectations, looking at these together and re-negotiating as adults can be really useful.
When it comes to cleanliness, there is a difference between good practice and neurosis, so if you feel that you may have a problem with obsessive behaviour I would recommend going to see your GP for more advice.
Alanis Morissette talks about this in her song 'Perfect'.
Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face
Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying?
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect.
When you were a child if you felt that you had to be 'perfect' in order to be loved and had to learn how to keep to a set of rules, you may have subconsciously internalised these rules and continue to live by them as an adult.
Perhaps it was little things like not leaving your socks lying around or dirty dishes in the sink, or it could veer to the more extreme end of OCD levels of cleanliness.
What was the consequence of not keeping to these rules or standards as a child? Do these consequences still apply? How does it affect you if you don't keep to these rules, do you physically feel anxious and panicky? How do you feel when people around you don't follow these rules?
It may be difficult living with a person who has a different set of standards and rules for living than you and it will affect both of you. It could be helpful to think about which rules you have adopted from your childhood and which rules can be loosened now. To lessen conflict over not meeting each other's expectations, looking at these together and re-negotiating as adults can be really useful.
When it comes to cleanliness, there is a difference between good practice and neurosis, so if you feel that you may have a problem with obsessive behaviour I would recommend going to see your GP for more advice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)