Emotional Affairs...AKA She/He is Just a Friend

'She/he is just a friend!'

I always find these situations so uncomfortable and tricky, because whoever is having the affair is 'technically' not doing/done anything 'wrong'. ie they have not physically 'consumated' the affair...YET.

So their story is, 'What is your problem? She/he is just a friend!'

The upset partner is struggling to come to terms with this threat to their relationship and double betrayal in that their partner is sharing emotional intimacy with another person and then denying that they have a right to be hurt by this. It's all shades of gray.

Confusion

A lot of the time, there is a lot of confusion as the hurt partner tries to reconcile the information discovered/being given, and the very painful feelings they are experiencing.

They try to make the two stories match, but struggle to cope with wanting to be close and loving to their partner and being hurt, confused and angry at them.

The hurt partner expresses their feelings in the form of anger, questioning, jealousy, mistrust, withdrawal, ultimatums...etc. which creates the opposite effect of what it is they actually want/need, which is to be reassured and comforted by their partner and to have their belief and trust in the relationship restored.

Pushing him right into her arms 

Their behaviour pushes their partner away even more, usually into the arms of the person who they are getting close to in the first place. It's all very dangerous ground.

And the most dangerous part of all is that an affair, especially an emotional affair, is usually symptomatic of deeper unresolved issues within the relationship.

The person having the emotional affair may be looking for something that they have lost in their original relationship, be that intimacy, desire, excitement, passion, novelty, attraction, friendship...

What is missing?

Because something is missing and the couple have not talked about it or come to an agreement on how to rediscover/create/find this, the relationship is vulnerable.

In a way the person having the emotional affair is the one who is more aware of the lack/loss as they are looking for it with another person and this may come as a sudden wake up call to their partner when they discover this threat.


There are no 'villains' and 'victims'

It is just as difficult for the person who is having the emotional affair, because they are also struggling to reconcile their feelings of need, guilt and anger.

They are not the 'villain' in the story and the partner the 'innocent victim', yet they are made to feel this way and are further reminded of their sadness and disconnection from their partner.

They have found something of what they felt missing in their new friendship, but what they probably wanted for a long time before this was for it to be present within their current relationship.

You are both hurting...

So the person having the emotional affair has probably been hurting for as much time, if not more before this crisis came about.

Now the issue has blown itself up into the daylight, the hurt betrayed partner who appears the victim further damages the relationship problem by reacting to their pain and pushing their partner away.

They find themselves locked in a battle of emotion, hurt, pain, betrayal, need, loss, fear, anger, suspicion, mistrust, denial, accusation...and then they come to couples counselling!

I also found this article interesting: The danger of an emotional affair.

Perfect

We all have a set of standards that we live by and usually this is a good thing as it encourages us to keep aiming for something higher and continuously improve ourselves. However, there can be a point where we are too hard on ourselves and the people around us. Perhaps you grew up in a family or environment where you needed to meet a set of expectations in order to be loved or to keep the peace.

Alanis Morissette talks about this in her song 'Perfect'.

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
 
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
 
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
 
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying?
 
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are 
If you're perfect.

When you were a child if you felt that you had to be 'perfect' in order to be loved and had to learn how to keep to a set of rules, you may have subconsciously internalised these rules and continue to live by them as an adult.

Perhaps it was little things like not leaving your socks lying around or dirty dishes in the sink, or it could veer to the more extreme end of OCD levels of cleanliness.

What was the consequence of not keeping to these rules or standards as a child? Do these consequences still apply? How does it affect you if you don't keep to these rules, do you physically feel anxious and panicky? How do you feel when people around you don't follow these rules?

It may be difficult living with a person who has a different set of standards and rules for living than you and it will affect both of you. It could be helpful to think about which rules you have adopted from your childhood and which rules can be loosened now. To lessen conflict over not meeting each other's expectations, looking at these together and re-negotiating as adults can be really useful.

When it comes to cleanliness, there is a difference between good practice and neurosis, so if you feel that you may have a problem with obsessive behaviour I would recommend going to see your GP for more advice.