What Keeps You Alone?

I was listening to this brilliant song by Fink today, which expresses so clearly his pain around an awareness that he has a defence mechanism - which he refers to in his lyrics as 'the thing' - that actually keeps people away, including the one he loves. 

This Is The Thing - Fink

I don't know if you notice anything different.
It's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long
And I don't know if you even notice at all
That I'm long gone

And the things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And the things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

I don't know if you notice anything missing
Like the leaves on the trees or my clothes all over the floor
And I don't know if you even notice at all
'Cause I was real quiet when I closed the door

And there are things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And there are things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

And I don't know if you notice anything different
I don't know if you even notice at all.


Life or death...

I think it's very powerful that he talks about staying 'alive', because in moments of stress, or when we feel threatened, our bodies do get triggered in a fight or flight state where we are in a state of survival.

We can feel like we are in a life or death situation even though rationally this may not be the case.

We all have a 'Thing'...

We all have a 'Thing' or 'defence mechanisms', these are the behaviours we have learnt to keep people away from our really soft, vulnerable parts. To a certain extent we need these 'things' in order to feel safe in the world, but some of these will serve us better than others.

For example, it may be a quick wit, sharp sense of humour, self deprecation or extreme assertiveness which could actually serve you very well socially and be seen almost as who you are and your personality to the people who know you.

However, it could also be anger, withdrawal or arrogance, which may work at keeping people away and thus the perceived threat they bring, but it may also shut out the people we do want to draw close to us.

It's hard to kick a dog when it's down...

When we have been hurt in the past, we can struggle with being vulnerable. But it's worthwhile to know that it is actually very difficult to attack a person when they are being honest and vulnerable with us.

And if someone does takes advantage of your vulnerability when you show it to them, you can be sure this is not a person you want to be in a longterm relationship with anyway.


What keeps you alone?

It's important to be aware of the 'thing' we 'do' and when it really is safe to let down our walls and show our true selves so we can connect with each other authentically.
 
Perhaps without knowing it, we keep ourselves apart from the ones we love in order to keep ourselves safe, but at the same time we keep ourselves alone... 

Do you spit or swallow?

I have just started reading 'Women who Love too much' by Robin Norwood.

I will tell you what I think of the book in a bit, but before that, I did find validity in the following quotes and just wanted to share: 

'It is important to understand...that what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. There may be other problems that are discussed, often ad nauseum, but these often cover up the underlying secrets that make the family dysfunctional. It is the degree of secrecy - the inability to talk about the problems - rather than their severity, that defines both how dysfunctional a family becomes and how severely its members are damaged.' (p.12)

She goes on to say:

'Because our family denies our reality, we begin to deny it too.' (p.13)

I thought these quotes were so very important to get a hold of.

This book is aimed at a certain type of woman outlined by Norwood who 'loves too much' and is continuously attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I must point out that I am reading this book with a healthy sceptism as I tend to be heavily against labelling or pigeonholing 'types' of people.

I'm much more a believer in the human condition, that we all have our failings and are flawed in some way, but these foibles are what make us unique and individual.

However, the above quotes did really resonate for me beyond the wider message of the book, she has pointed out something very key here.


The more repression; the more rebellion...

I was thinking about the idea we work with in therapy that the more repression there is, the more rebellion, or acting out there is, if there are no conversations about what is going on between you.

For example a common one (not to be stereotypical, but this is a situation I have seen quite a few times in my practice) might be a husband who feels his wife is not giving him enough attention or is too preoccupied with the children, the household chores, or her career.

If there is no conversation about this between them and agreement on how his needs can be better met, acting out in this instance could be flirting with other people, having an emotional or sexual affair, or even anger and violence.

Sorry honey, I burnt your dinner...

Acting out could also take the form of passive aggressive behaviour.

For example (another stereotype, sorry) if the woman in a relationship is unhappy because her husband is preoccupied with his work, social life, sports, recreational activities etc. she may withhold sex, or refuse to engage with him when he is talking to her about something he is excited about.

You know the old cliches where the wife purposely burn his shirts when ironing them, or leaves his food in the oven too long. You get the idea!  


Swallowing the feelings...

'Acting in' is the other possibility, when people take the emotions they are feeling and unable to express them, swallow them and turn all their sadness, rage and frustration in on themselves.

This usually takes the form of depression and is very dangerous because it can lead to suicidal feelings and possible suicide attempts, self harm, overeating, alcoholism...pushing the feelings down further. 


Naughty kids acting out? Quiet kids acting in?

If we read the above quotes by Robin Norwood and think about the 'acting out' and 'acting in' concepts, we can see that when children are being very rebellious and naughty, or very quiet and withdrawn, there is the possibility that these are the first signs that something going on for them.

Because they are unable to express this, they are presenting challenging behaviour as a cry for help really, rather than a personality defect.


So do you spit or swallow?

So how did issues and emotions get dealt with in your families?

Were problems talked about openly?

Were you encouraged to spit out what you were thinking and feeling so they could be discussed?

Or did you learn how to swallow pain, fear, sorrow?

As an adult, how do you cope with issues, fears, feelings?

Have you carried the ways of dealing with problems you learnt in your families of origin into your adult life and relationships?

Are you able to talk about these things with friends, partners, lovers, family now?
  
Do you 'act out' or 'act in' when you are unable to express yourself?

How do you think you could start to break these patterns from today???

Perfect

We all have a set of standards that we live by and usually this is a good thing as it encourages us to keep aiming for something higher and continuously improve ourselves. However, there can be a point where we are too hard on ourselves and the people around us. Perhaps you grew up in a family or environment where you needed to meet a set of expectations in order to be loved or to keep the peace.

Alanis Morissette talks about this in her song 'Perfect'.

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
 
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
 
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
 
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying?
 
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are 
If you're perfect.

When you were a child if you felt that you had to be 'perfect' in order to be loved and had to learn how to keep to a set of rules, you may have subconsciously internalised these rules and continue to live by them as an adult.

Perhaps it was little things like not leaving your socks lying around or dirty dishes in the sink, or it could veer to the more extreme end of OCD levels of cleanliness.

What was the consequence of not keeping to these rules or standards as a child? Do these consequences still apply? How does it affect you if you don't keep to these rules, do you physically feel anxious and panicky? How do you feel when people around you don't follow these rules?

It may be difficult living with a person who has a different set of standards and rules for living than you and it will affect both of you. It could be helpful to think about which rules you have adopted from your childhood and which rules can be loosened now. To lessen conflict over not meeting each other's expectations, looking at these together and re-negotiating as adults can be really useful.

When it comes to cleanliness, there is a difference between good practice and neurosis, so if you feel that you may have a problem with obsessive behaviour I would recommend going to see your GP for more advice.