What Keeps You Alone?

I was listening to this brilliant song by Fink today, which expresses so clearly his pain around an awareness that he has a defence mechanism - which he refers to in his lyrics as 'the thing' - that actually keeps people away, including the one he loves. 

This Is The Thing - Fink

I don't know if you notice anything different.
It's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long
And I don't know if you even notice at all
That I'm long gone

And the things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And the things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

I don't know if you notice anything missing
Like the leaves on the trees or my clothes all over the floor
And I don't know if you even notice at all
'Cause I was real quiet when I closed the door

And there are things that keep us apart
Keep me alive
And there are things that keep me alive
Keep me alone
This is the thing

And I don't know if you notice anything different
I don't know if you even notice at all.


Life or death...

I think it's very powerful that he talks about staying 'alive', because in moments of stress, or when we feel threatened, our bodies do get triggered in a fight or flight state where we are in a state of survival.

We can feel like we are in a life or death situation even though rationally this may not be the case.

We all have a 'Thing'...

We all have a 'Thing' or 'defence mechanisms', these are the behaviours we have learnt to keep people away from our really soft, vulnerable parts. To a certain extent we need these 'things' in order to feel safe in the world, but some of these will serve us better than others.

For example, it may be a quick wit, sharp sense of humour, self deprecation or extreme assertiveness which could actually serve you very well socially and be seen almost as who you are and your personality to the people who know you.

However, it could also be anger, withdrawal or arrogance, which may work at keeping people away and thus the perceived threat they bring, but it may also shut out the people we do want to draw close to us.

It's hard to kick a dog when it's down...

When we have been hurt in the past, we can struggle with being vulnerable. But it's worthwhile to know that it is actually very difficult to attack a person when they are being honest and vulnerable with us.

And if someone does takes advantage of your vulnerability when you show it to them, you can be sure this is not a person you want to be in a longterm relationship with anyway.


What keeps you alone?

It's important to be aware of the 'thing' we 'do' and when it really is safe to let down our walls and show our true selves so we can connect with each other authentically.
 
Perhaps without knowing it, we keep ourselves apart from the ones we love in order to keep ourselves safe, but at the same time we keep ourselves alone...