I'm right and you're wrong!

When we get caught up in arguments with our loved ones, it can be all too easy to zone in on the content of the disagreement and in your head forage out the last decade's worth of supporting facts, figures and evidence to lend validity to your case.

However, in therapy I don't care about how many minutes late she was, or the number of times he looked at another woman on the bus, or any of the minute details that can really become central talking points to major conflict in relationships.

Process vs Content

I'm interested in the process not the content...

What happens when you fight? How does it escalate? What are you really trying to say and achieve? Who does what in your conflict cycle and what is the result of that?

Is it really about the number of minutes you were late, or if you were looking at someone else?

Or is your argument about a deeper anxiety that perhaps when your partner was late you were not sure they were going to show up for you?

Do you get what you want?

Or when you caught your man checking out a girl on the bus maybe it triggered off insecurities that he is not attracted to you anymore, or thinks she is prettier than you...?

When you launch into your dissection of your partner's behaviours, recognise this is what you are doing and how this is going to affect your relationship longterm.

How do you think proving you are right and your partner is wrong will get you more of what you are really asking for...reassurance, security, safety, love?

Dr Susan Johnson says,

'The desire to win the fight and prove the other is the bad guy has such a pull but in fact nobody wins this one, both lose... proving the other wrong, just pushes you further and further apart. The temptation to be the winner and to make the other admit she is at fault is just part of the trap.

When you begin to pin down this dance as it is happening rather than getting meaner and meaner or searching for proof in endless versions of facts or incidents. If you want to, both of you can come together to stop this enemy taking over your relationship.

No-one has to be the bad guy, the accuse/accuse pattern itself is the villain here and the partners are the victims.'

Stop looking for facts, figures and proof to back up your argument.  Stop relentlessly trying to prove that your partner is wrong and bad, and you are right and good.

Because when it comes to love, when one of you wins, you both lose.