How dare you be so defensive!

Very often we can get caught up in this talk around being 'defensive'.

Such and such is SO defensive. What is their problem?

We can become very affected by it and try to battle it out in sometimes challenging and maybe for them quite threatening ways.

'What's wrong with you? I only asked you a question! Why are you being so defensive? There you go again, putting up your walls!'

Clinical psychologist and family therapist Dr Peter Rober (1999) says this,

'Personally, I don't see client's responses as defensive, but merely as protective. This is an important distinction. The term "being defensive" has a strong negative connotation, and implies that people shouldn't be defensive.

The term "being protective," however, refers to the fact that peopls have a right to be cautious and to take good care of themselves and others. It implies that we all have our vulnerable parts, which demand concern and respect, and that's why I think it is best to accept the client's protective responses.'

Perhaps if we can stop and recognise that everyone has a history and perhaps have a need for certain 'protective' behaviours in order to make themselves feel safe, we can begin to understand and accept others for who they are so they will feel comfortable to let down their walls and begin to let us in...