I Need Some Space!!!

Has your partner ever come to you and said, 'I need some space?'

How did you take that and interpret that in terms of you and your relationship?

Did you totally freak out and think to yourself right then, this is the beginning of the end of this relationship, or did you get very angry and refuse to allow them their space and threaten to end it?

Space can be a very scary and uncertain concept and difficult to manage at the best of times.

We all need space...

To learn and grow, very often we need to be on our own and have the space to do that...to figure out what it is we really want away from the pressure of society and well meaning friends and family.

That's not to say you can't be in a relationship to learn and grow, it is something you can do together in terms of learning about each other and how to be in a relationship together.

However, when it comes to personal growth, that is something that will also feed back into your relationship as you grow stronger and more self aware and assured within yourself.

Are you and your relationship secure enough to tolerate space?

How you tolerate space can make or break a relationship.

You and your partner have to be strong enough and secure enough, both in yourselves and in your relationship to be able to manage, negotiate and tolerate space, separation and individual growth.

I love this quote by Maturana (1992) which describes love as:

'Opening space for the

existence of another.'

Ok wow. How amazing is that? I know, it's very Zen, but isn't it true?

And how easy is it to forget that amongst all the fears and insecurity that can arise when you become attached to someone. It can be a natural inclination to want to hold on too tight at times.

If your partner is personally unhappy in their life, they may need to take steps to change that which may be threatening to you.

The changes may require space, energy and time invested in other parts of their life, such as studying for a course/re-training, new work commitments, travel, or just more time alone.

I would argue that being together and in love and happy is not the difficult part of a relationship, it is balancing, negotiating and managing the separation and space between these moments that requires most of our thought and attention.

Give each other space...

If your partner asks for space, give it to them.

That is what they need to grow and develop their sense of self, it is not personal to you. Show you care by respecting and supporting that need.

Relationships are about togetherness and separateness; being together and being apart; sharing and difference...

Giving each other the space to grow and become all that we can possibly be...individually and together.