Be Soft.

I thought the below summary of attachment theory so beautifully captured the crux of many relationship difficulties.

I read this out to a family I am working with last night and the son said, 'nail on head'.

'According to attachment theory, every person has a strong need to be accepted and loved, and they seek a secure relationship in which each person is emotionally accessible and responsive to these needs. These needs are referred to as attachment needs (Johnson, 2004). 

...if the attachment bond is threatened a person will respond with a display of emotions in an attempt to restore the attachment bond. 

Problems arise when—out of a perceived lack of emotional safety—a partner expresses secondary, harsh emotions such as anger rather than softer, primary emotions such as fear or loneliness. 

Secondary emotions tend to distance others, getting the individual less of what he or she needs—emotional closeness.'

Excerpt from: 'What Clients of Couple Therapy Model Developers And Their Former Students Say About Change, Part 1: Model-Dependent Common Factors Across Three Models.'

Sean D. Davis and Fred P. Piercy in Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. (July 2007. P.318-343)