Episode 2: Schopenhauer on Love
As you can imagine, I was most interested in this episode, but rather disappointingly for me Schopenhauer's philosophy revolves very much around the sad science of love my left brain already knows very well.
Schopenhauer's philosophy centres around the notion that love and our drive to find a mate is nothing more than the 'will to life'.
Basically, biologically love is the only 'trick' that will keep us procreating and keeping our species alive.
Schopenhauer himself led a rather singular life and had difficulty attracting attention from the ladies.
Although he did have a 10 year relationship with one woman, he refused to marry her and didn't ever find himself in a secure relationship his entire life.
The Science of Love...
The science of love pretty much supports Schopenhauer's philosophy outlining 3 stages to love:
1) Lust
Testosterone and Oestrogen - the sex hormones which drive us to chase after the object of our desire.
2) Attraction
Adrenalin, dopamine and seratonin - this is the bit where we feel high, excited, obsessed, unable to eat or sleep, basically what we would call being 'in lurve'. We feel invincible, like we can conquer the world in this stage!
3) Attachment
Oxytocin and vasopressin - and this is the bit where we bond after sex. Our body is filled with the hormones that make us a bit woozy and happy/content. This is the stage where all you want to do is stay home and watch movies together and cook and become domestic wombles.Schopenhauer suggests after these 3 stages have been completed and we have been tricked into reproducing with our partners and are joined together for life, we suddenly now realise how much we dislike each other!
Here comes the connection...
In my work with relationships, attachment is the stage where any problems in a couple's dynamic will start to emerge.
Once the initial high and 'honeymoon' period passes the couple are moving into a more settled phase of their relationship.
When either partner feels their attachment is threatened they may display behaviours that damage the relationship and the couple begin to disconnect, which is very painful for both parties.
For example, if one person feels jealous their partner is spending too much time with someone else, they may get angry and shout at their partner, which either makes their partner shout back, withdraw or leave.
Or there may be tussles around space. A person may be used to a lot of time alone and having come out of the second stage of almost obsession where they had to see each other and be together all the time they now feel more secure and content and want to revert back to their old ways.
Their partner may not understand this sudden need for space and find it threatening or a rejection of them and so may react by shouting, crying, clinging, whining, or withdrawing, all of which will damage the relationship.
Finally, if you click on this link: The science of love you will find this funny exercise below.
It really does make a mockery of romance.
Honestly, I'm not quite sure I like it. I still want to believe in love, which is more than just science!!
How to fall in love...
- (1) Find a complete stranger.
- (2) Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
- (3) Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
'York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, has been studying why people fall in love.
He asked his subjects to carry out the above 3 steps and found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment.
Two of his subjects later got married.'
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