Do you spit or swallow?

I have just started reading 'Women who Love too much' by Robin Norwood.

I will tell you what I think of the book in a bit, but before that, I did find validity in the following quotes and just wanted to share: 

'It is important to understand...that what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. There may be other problems that are discussed, often ad nauseum, but these often cover up the underlying secrets that make the family dysfunctional. It is the degree of secrecy - the inability to talk about the problems - rather than their severity, that defines both how dysfunctional a family becomes and how severely its members are damaged.' (p.12)

She goes on to say:

'Because our family denies our reality, we begin to deny it too.' (p.13)

I thought these quotes were so very important to get a hold of.

This book is aimed at a certain type of woman outlined by Norwood who 'loves too much' and is continuously attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I must point out that I am reading this book with a healthy sceptism as I tend to be heavily against labelling or pigeonholing 'types' of people.

I'm much more a believer in the human condition, that we all have our failings and are flawed in some way, but these foibles are what make us unique and individual.

However, the above quotes did really resonate for me beyond the wider message of the book, she has pointed out something very key here.


The more repression; the more rebellion...

I was thinking about the idea we work with in therapy that the more repression there is, the more rebellion, or acting out there is, if there are no conversations about what is going on between you.

For example a common one (not to be stereotypical, but this is a situation I have seen quite a few times in my practice) might be a husband who feels his wife is not giving him enough attention or is too preoccupied with the children, the household chores, or her career.

If there is no conversation about this between them and agreement on how his needs can be better met, acting out in this instance could be flirting with other people, having an emotional or sexual affair, or even anger and violence.

Sorry honey, I burnt your dinner...

Acting out could also take the form of passive aggressive behaviour.

For example (another stereotype, sorry) if the woman in a relationship is unhappy because her husband is preoccupied with his work, social life, sports, recreational activities etc. she may withhold sex, or refuse to engage with him when he is talking to her about something he is excited about.

You know the old cliches where the wife purposely burn his shirts when ironing them, or leaves his food in the oven too long. You get the idea!  


Swallowing the feelings...

'Acting in' is the other possibility, when people take the emotions they are feeling and unable to express them, swallow them and turn all their sadness, rage and frustration in on themselves.

This usually takes the form of depression and is very dangerous because it can lead to suicidal feelings and possible suicide attempts, self harm, overeating, alcoholism...pushing the feelings down further. 


Naughty kids acting out? Quiet kids acting in?

If we read the above quotes by Robin Norwood and think about the 'acting out' and 'acting in' concepts, we can see that when children are being very rebellious and naughty, or very quiet and withdrawn, there is the possibility that these are the first signs that something going on for them.

Because they are unable to express this, they are presenting challenging behaviour as a cry for help really, rather than a personality defect.


So do you spit or swallow?

So how did issues and emotions get dealt with in your families?

Were problems talked about openly?

Were you encouraged to spit out what you were thinking and feeling so they could be discussed?

Or did you learn how to swallow pain, fear, sorrow?

As an adult, how do you cope with issues, fears, feelings?

Have you carried the ways of dealing with problems you learnt in your families of origin into your adult life and relationships?

Are you able to talk about these things with friends, partners, lovers, family now?
  
Do you 'act out' or 'act in' when you are unable to express yourself?

How do you think you could start to break these patterns from today???