Do you spit or swallow?

I have just started reading 'Women who Love too much' by Robin Norwood.

I will tell you what I think of the book in a bit, but before that, I did find validity in the following quotes and just wanted to share: 

'It is important to understand...that what all unhealthy families have in common is their inability to discuss root problems. There may be other problems that are discussed, often ad nauseum, but these often cover up the underlying secrets that make the family dysfunctional. It is the degree of secrecy - the inability to talk about the problems - rather than their severity, that defines both how dysfunctional a family becomes and how severely its members are damaged.' (p.12)

She goes on to say:

'Because our family denies our reality, we begin to deny it too.' (p.13)

I thought these quotes were so very important to get a hold of.

This book is aimed at a certain type of woman outlined by Norwood who 'loves too much' and is continuously attracted to emotionally unavailable men. I must point out that I am reading this book with a healthy sceptism as I tend to be heavily against labelling or pigeonholing 'types' of people.

I'm much more a believer in the human condition, that we all have our failings and are flawed in some way, but these foibles are what make us unique and individual.

However, the above quotes did really resonate for me beyond the wider message of the book, she has pointed out something very key here.


The more repression; the more rebellion...

I was thinking about the idea we work with in therapy that the more repression there is, the more rebellion, or acting out there is, if there are no conversations about what is going on between you.

For example a common one (not to be stereotypical, but this is a situation I have seen quite a few times in my practice) might be a husband who feels his wife is not giving him enough attention or is too preoccupied with the children, the household chores, or her career.

If there is no conversation about this between them and agreement on how his needs can be better met, acting out in this instance could be flirting with other people, having an emotional or sexual affair, or even anger and violence.

Sorry honey, I burnt your dinner...

Acting out could also take the form of passive aggressive behaviour.

For example (another stereotype, sorry) if the woman in a relationship is unhappy because her husband is preoccupied with his work, social life, sports, recreational activities etc. she may withhold sex, or refuse to engage with him when he is talking to her about something he is excited about.

You know the old cliches where the wife purposely burn his shirts when ironing them, or leaves his food in the oven too long. You get the idea!  


Swallowing the feelings...

'Acting in' is the other possibility, when people take the emotions they are feeling and unable to express them, swallow them and turn all their sadness, rage and frustration in on themselves.

This usually takes the form of depression and is very dangerous because it can lead to suicidal feelings and possible suicide attempts, self harm, overeating, alcoholism...pushing the feelings down further. 


Naughty kids acting out? Quiet kids acting in?

If we read the above quotes by Robin Norwood and think about the 'acting out' and 'acting in' concepts, we can see that when children are being very rebellious and naughty, or very quiet and withdrawn, there is the possibility that these are the first signs that something going on for them.

Because they are unable to express this, they are presenting challenging behaviour as a cry for help really, rather than a personality defect.


So do you spit or swallow?

So how did issues and emotions get dealt with in your families?

Were problems talked about openly?

Were you encouraged to spit out what you were thinking and feeling so they could be discussed?

Or did you learn how to swallow pain, fear, sorrow?

As an adult, how do you cope with issues, fears, feelings?

Have you carried the ways of dealing with problems you learnt in your families of origin into your adult life and relationships?

Are you able to talk about these things with friends, partners, lovers, family now?
  
Do you 'act out' or 'act in' when you are unable to express yourself?

How do you think you could start to break these patterns from today???

Ashley Cole, what were you thinking??!

Did you see the Cheryl Cole interview by Piers Morgan? It was heartbreaking...

We all need a rock...

I'm not talking about a diamond, although it is symbollic of what I mean. Cheryl talked about Ashley being her rock and her best friend, in and amongst all the madness, he was the one stable, calm influence in her life she could count on...and then suddenly he wasn't, and she couldn't.

When everything else in this world is crazy, unpredictable and uncertain, the one thing that keeps us sane is knowing that our partner is going to be there for us. That they are the one person that we can trust and rely on to support and care for us when we need them to.

So when you find out they have betrayed you, all that certainty is taken away from us and it shatters our belief in the safety and security we had with that person.

In terms of attachment theory we think of this person as being our 'safe haven' or 'secure base' from which we can go out into the world and explore, knowing that we have this place to return to.

Why did he do it?

Cheryl wept as she said to this day she still doesn't know what went wrong, they were so happy.

Who possibly could know the whats whys and hows except for Ashley himself? Cheryl says he never wanted the marriage to end, so perhaps even he doesn't know why he betrayed her in that way.

Helping couples recover from an affair is a common presenting problem in therapy, but is rarely the main issue. In my experience, affairs are often symptomatic of a deeper dilemma in the relationship.

But there doesn't have to be a problem...

In this case however, it's my suspicion that sometimes there doesn't have to be a problem in the relationship for a man to cheat.

This was not a case of Ashley having an emotional affair in order to get some unmet needs met. It was about pushing the boundaries, forbidden desire, excitement, titillation, sex.

Look at Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, Vernon Kay, Ashley Cole, they had it all. The career, the public acclaim, the perfect wife. What more could they want? The thing is, sometimes it's just that everything CAN be too perfect.

How ironic is that? When there are issues he has affairs, and when it's too perfect he needs a bit of danger and imperfection so he cheats!

There's always more!

In this world, there's always more isn't there? A bigger game, a better title, a greater achievement, a more successful success, a younger more beautiful woman, a higher high, a more perfect perfection.

Because biologically men are programmed differently to woman, I think there doesn't always need to be a problem for them to look outside the marriage for something.

Men cheat because they CAN...

When you are a successful man, there will always be women interested in you and as long as that lasts, it feels good. Simply put, I think sometimes men cheat just because they CAN. And it's a personal choice to each individual man what he chooses to do with this choice.  

And affairs and cheating don't always have to mean the end of a relationship. They can be worked through to reach an even stronger more honest and connected relationship than before.

However, these kind of betrayals have long reaching pervasive consequences on a relationship that can sometimes haunt you forever.

We have choices...

We all have choices and if you find yourself in a relationship with someone who chooses to cheat, it's then as much your choice to choose to stay in the relationship with someone who is choosing to cheat and what that means to you.

Some people are just not able to be sexually monogomous. This doesn't mean they can't be emotionally monogomous and perhaps that is ok with you. Will Smith and his wife Jada Pinkett have an open relationship in that they will tell each other if they want to sleep with other people.

Betrayal is rarely about the sex itself, it's about the lying and dishonesty, so Will and Jada have come to an arrangement that works for them and does not threaten the security of their relationship.

Men who cheat, will repeat...

Sadly men who cheat, tend to repeat, so if we think about attachment theory and the importance of having that security with our attachment figure in order to be able to go out into the world and be our best selves, it is worth considering what choices we make for the sake of our hearts...