Emotional Affairs...AKA She/He is Just a Friend

'She/he is just a friend!'

I always find these situations so uncomfortable and tricky, because whoever is having the affair is 'technically' not doing/done anything 'wrong'. ie they have not physically 'consumated' the affair...YET.

So their story is, 'What is your problem? She/he is just a friend!'

The upset partner is struggling to come to terms with this threat to their relationship and double betrayal in that their partner is sharing emotional intimacy with another person and then denying that they have a right to be hurt by this. It's all shades of gray.

Confusion

A lot of the time, there is a lot of confusion as the hurt partner tries to reconcile the information discovered/being given, and the very painful feelings they are experiencing.

They try to make the two stories match, but struggle to cope with wanting to be close and loving to their partner and being hurt, confused and angry at them.

The hurt partner expresses their feelings in the form of anger, questioning, jealousy, mistrust, withdrawal, ultimatums...etc. which creates the opposite effect of what it is they actually want/need, which is to be reassured and comforted by their partner and to have their belief and trust in the relationship restored.

Pushing him right into her arms 

Their behaviour pushes their partner away even more, usually into the arms of the person who they are getting close to in the first place. It's all very dangerous ground.

And the most dangerous part of all is that an affair, especially an emotional affair, is usually symptomatic of deeper unresolved issues within the relationship.

The person having the emotional affair may be looking for something that they have lost in their original relationship, be that intimacy, desire, excitement, passion, novelty, attraction, friendship...

What is missing?

Because something is missing and the couple have not talked about it or come to an agreement on how to rediscover/create/find this, the relationship is vulnerable.

In a way the person having the emotional affair is the one who is more aware of the lack/loss as they are looking for it with another person and this may come as a sudden wake up call to their partner when they discover this threat.


There are no 'villains' and 'victims'

It is just as difficult for the person who is having the emotional affair, because they are also struggling to reconcile their feelings of need, guilt and anger.

They are not the 'villain' in the story and the partner the 'innocent victim', yet they are made to feel this way and are further reminded of their sadness and disconnection from their partner.

They have found something of what they felt missing in their new friendship, but what they probably wanted for a long time before this was for it to be present within their current relationship.

You are both hurting...

So the person having the emotional affair has probably been hurting for as much time, if not more before this crisis came about.

Now the issue has blown itself up into the daylight, the hurt betrayed partner who appears the victim further damages the relationship problem by reacting to their pain and pushing their partner away.

They find themselves locked in a battle of emotion, hurt, pain, betrayal, need, loss, fear, anger, suspicion, mistrust, denial, accusation...and then they come to couples counselling!

I also found this article interesting: The danger of an emotional affair.