Drama Triangles

Today I was thinking about Karpman's drama triangle.

I love that idea, the drama triangle!

It looks like this, at each corner you have a different role or position...

Persecutor > Victim > Rescuer

In relationship work, we often look at triangles.

Affairs

Be that affairs where another person is drawn into the dynamic with the original couple.

Parentification

Triangulation of a child into the adult relationship where the child is expected to meet the adults emotional needs known as parentification.

Therapy

Or when the therapist is drawn into the dynamic of the relationship as the third party.

It's interesting how we can be drawn into these roles in life so easily and chase each other round and round so no-one effectively has to take responsibility for themselves.

Persecutor

In this theory the persecutor is like a critical parent, they may feel they can improve the victim, they dominate and attack, blame and accuse without taking into account the feelings of the victim.

They believe they know better, they hold all the power and control and try to change the other person rather than looking at themself.

Their position is I'm ok, you're not ok.

Victim

The victim is like the child, always apologising, feeling unworthy, helpless and at the mercy of the persecutor.

They believe the persecutor knows better and do not recognise their own power.

Their position is I'm not ok, you're ok.

Rescuer

And the rescuer is like a nurturing parent.

They can often do too much and be overprotective, babying and thereby disempowering the victim even more and keeping the victim reliant and dependent on them for their support and help. 

Their position is I'm ok, you're not ok.

Who rescues?

The rescuer is perhaps the unaware therapist who may be drawn into the drama triangle unwittingly.

Or a person outside the relationship who provides a shoulder to cry on such as a best friend, or more worryingly the person you have an affair with.

The rescuer can also be the child who learns to attain love from their parent by providing them with their emotional needs.

This often leaves the adult parentified child with very difficult relationship patterns in later life.

Triangle of change

In the triangle of change we try to shift the roles from

Persecutor > Assertive adult

The assertive adult, rather than attacking the victim in order to incite change, is able to change their own behaviour to get their needs met.

They are respectful and assertive in sharing their thoughts and feelings, without blaming and criticising the other person.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.

Victim > Vulnerable adult

The vulnerable adult is able to think for themself and recognise they are in a vulnerable position. They are able to use their feelings as information and look at where they are and where they would like to be and take steps towards that change for themself.

They are able to ask for help where neccessary, but not in expectation of someone else doing everything for them.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.

Rescuer > Helpful adult

The helpful adult, rather than being a mollycoddling overprotective parent, instead is able to provide the help that is asked for and wanted without doing it all for them.

They are able to express concern for the vulnerable adult without taking over and allow the other person to think for themself and make their own decisions. They help to enpower and enable the vulnerable adult through their support.

Their new position is, I'm ok, you're ok.


Everyone is ok!!

So that about sums it up.

If you are blaming someone else for something you are unhappy with and not looking at change for yourself, perhaps you are being a persecutor.

If you allow other people to take care of you and are not able to get yourself out of difficult situations or stand up for yourself, perhaps you are a victim.

If you are always doing too much for other people, so they don't get the chance to do for themself what they are perfectly capable of doing, perhaps you are not being as helpful as you think.

Either way, the best position you can take if you want to step out of the drama triangle and into an adult triangle of change is to recognise, I'm ok and you're ok, we're all ok.

After all isn't that what true love is all about? Acceptance and forgiveness...