The problem with stuffing...

The problem with stuffing, is that there is only so much 'stuff' you can stuff away before it starts to stuff you up!

Ok, that's a lot of 'stuff' in one sentence, but you get what I'm trying to say...

Suppressing your feelings

If you learnt how to suppress your feelings as you were growing up, and stuff them down inside of you instead of expressing them as you feel them, sooner or later they will have to come out in some shape or form.

The problem is that by this time the feelings have usually warped and transformed into something much bigger than it orginally began as and is much more difficult to deal with.

After holding it in for so long the way you voice your feeling may come out as an accusation, complaint, criticism, whining or just plain old drama.

Under attack!

Your partner then feels attacked, caught unaware and unprepared to deal with this outburst and may then become defensive and withdraw or attack back.

This then leaves you feeling even more angry because you don't feel heard.

Loop the loop

How many times have you been round this loop and gotten increasingly more frustrated and stuffed more of your feelings away in order to avoid the confrontations, only for the stuff to eventually come out anyway?

The fact is, if these are the results you are coming up against time and again, it may well be the way you are communicating your feelings.

Shut down

You may think that you are offering useful and helpful advice, but if you are not talking about your feelings and are just telling your partner what they have done wrong to hurt and upset you and what you want from them, these are really just your opinion and solutions to your own frustration and discontent.

Your partner hears it as them being at fault and being told what to do and will shut down to it, which may leave you feeling resentful, hurt, confused and unloved.

Setting boundaries

It may be that you need to work on setting healthy boundaries for yourself on what you are willing and not willing to accept.

If you are not happy about doing something, learn how to politely and assertively say no. Don't do things you don't want to do and then get angry about it later.

What don't you want?

Learn how to talk about what you don't want rather than asking for what you want.

It sounds counter-intuitive, but if you can say what you don't want, you are not asking or demanding anything of your partner or making them feel pressured into doing anything for you.

Rather you are letting it be known what is not acceptable and laying down the boundaries within which you will feel safe and happy.

Your partner will feel more comfortable as they know where they stand with you and will have more respect for you.

Feel your feelings

When you are communicating with your partner avoid blame and stick to the real feelings. Be willing to feel your feelings and own them, these may be mad, bad, sad, glad, scared, confused, lonely...etc.

Learn to recognise what these feelings are in your body and tune into them, rather than push them away.

Yoga and meditation can be useful ways to tune into your body, get in touch with your feelings and relax your body mind system so you can see things more clearly.


Open yourself to learning

Rather than being accusing and attacking and angry, try to explore the feeling fully and express it in it's purest form.

Instead of yelling why didn't you call me? You never listen! Or you always do this! Try finding the feeling and saying, I feel unimportant, unheard, frustrated, what do you think?

Open yourself up to learning about your own and your partner's feelings and work as a team to get through it because you are both in this relationship together.