Q & A - Sexual tension.

Hi Priscilla,

I have a question……how do you pour cold water over the situation when the tension is just too strong? 

 Meeting with the guy I'm seeing for our third date tomorrow before he goes away on Thursday for two weeks. But even on the bbm its lots of innuendos and suggestions. We match in that sense…LOL. We are so hot for each other, but I don't want to go so fast or sleep with him too soon and get attached.

Also any ideas for where to go on the date? Ahaaaa perhaps theatre show or bowling? What do you think?

Yours, 

Excited.

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Dear Excited.

Thank you for your email.

I suggest you let him decide on where to go on your date. You are the one he is trying to convince and woo remember, so don't be so 'nice' and 'considerate' at this stage. Plenty of time to be nice to your husband later : )

Secondly, you can't pretend the sexual tension is not there, so just acknowledge it.

Feel what you feel, accept that is how you feel and say it out loud to him so it is not an unspoken tension/conflict anymore. By doing this you regain control over what you want to do about it, instead of feeling controlled by your feelings.

So, when you feel it, or when you see him and the timing is right, make a joke, hahaha, we are like desperate to jump each other's bones, the sexual tension is ridiculous isn't it?!!

Then suddenly the power of this unspoken tension is released and what you want to do with this is all in your hands and not some kind of crazy, out of control, sexual madness between you. Plenty of time for that stuff when you are really ready and want to move things forward.
 

Because you are being authentic and honest about how you feel in a non-threatening fun way, he will respect you and be totally shocked by how comfortable you are with your feelings.

Try it : ) let me know how it goes!!

Priscilla.

x

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Wowzers! Thanks so much!

You can really hit the nail on the head and empower!

Perfect solution. Will let you know the outcome...

Yours,
Excited.

Online Dating Tips

As promised in my previous post on online dating here are my tips...

1) Keep your email interactions short and snappy.
 The aim of online dating is not to be communicating with each other online forever, but to get out on a date and see how you get on. Anyone can be charming, funny, exciting online, you need to meet them to see how they translate in real life and see if there is any chemistry between you and an authentic connection. You will usually have a good idea within the first few minutes if there is any long term potential.

2) Keep phone calls short and snappy.
If you exchange numbers and decide to have a conversation on the phone before meeting, or perhaps to arrange your meeting, keep this brief and to the point. You may find you get along very well on the phone, but when you meet up you find there is nothing between you but now feel obliged to maintain the facade of getting along very well in person.

3) Keep first dates short and snappy.
The best idea for a first date would be an afternoon coffee or an after work drink. That way you are not tied into sitting through a whole dinner or theatre show with someone you feel absolutely no spark with. If you do get along and want to see each other again, that will be apparent and you can take it from there.

4) Go on a second date if you are not sure after the first date.
But don't go on a third date if you are still not sure after the second date. You can only flog a dead horse for so long, as they say. If there's nothing there, there's nothing there, let it go and move on.

5) Don't kiss on your first date if you intend to muti-date.
If you want to date a few different people at the same time before you decide who you are going to commit to, getting into the physical side of things too quickly can be confusing. Save your kisses for at least your second or third dates, or when the moment feels right between you.

6) Definitely don't sleep with someone till you are sure about them.  
We are designed to feel attachment and want to bond to people we have sex with, so bear that in mind. Your body can make you believe you are in love with someone, when you don't even know them yet. Also have consideration for the people you are dating and their feelings.

7) Don't fixate.
The great thing about online dating is the opportunity it gives you to multi-date; in that way providing you with options so you don't fixate on any one person. If you had a great date and there were promises made to call the next day and no phone call comes, you have a choice of other people to talk to, or arrange to meet up with. Don't be crushed by this 'no show', your potential partner could be busy or a slow burner and may take a few days or weeks before calling again. After one date it's still early days, so relax and give things the space to become what they will be.

8) Honesty is the best policy.
It may not be easy to reject people, but if you really don't feel anything or see a future with someone, don't keep them hanging on for another date with you. Setting them free to find someone who will look at them and feel about them the way you want to be able to feel and see someone is the biggest favour you can do for them. It may not feel good in the short term for either of you, but at least you are not wasting anyone else's time and you both know where you stand.

9) Have fun.
Dating should be fun and freeing so don't take it too seriously and just enjoy it. This is your time to go out and date lots of different people who you might not normally get the chance to meet. Even if you don't fall head over heels in love with the man of your dreams, remember it's the journey not the destination. You could still end up having a lot of fun and making some really good friends!

10) Keep the faith.
Don't give up hope if you have a bad date, or even a string of bad dates. It's a game of numbers, just keep getting yourself out there and remain open to opportunity, you never know what your next date holds in store for you.

Perfect

We all have a set of standards that we live by and usually this is a good thing as it encourages us to keep aiming for something higher and continuously improve ourselves. However, there can be a point where we are too hard on ourselves and the people around us. Perhaps you grew up in a family or environment where you needed to meet a set of expectations in order to be loved or to keep the peace.

Alanis Morissette talks about this in her song 'Perfect'.

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder
 
How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet
 
Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud
 
I'll live for you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem ...... why are you crying?
 
Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are 
If you're perfect.

When you were a child if you felt that you had to be 'perfect' in order to be loved and had to learn how to keep to a set of rules, you may have subconsciously internalised these rules and continue to live by them as an adult.

Perhaps it was little things like not leaving your socks lying around or dirty dishes in the sink, or it could veer to the more extreme end of OCD levels of cleanliness.

What was the consequence of not keeping to these rules or standards as a child? Do these consequences still apply? How does it affect you if you don't keep to these rules, do you physically feel anxious and panicky? How do you feel when people around you don't follow these rules?

It may be difficult living with a person who has a different set of standards and rules for living than you and it will affect both of you. It could be helpful to think about which rules you have adopted from your childhood and which rules can be loosened now. To lessen conflict over not meeting each other's expectations, looking at these together and re-negotiating as adults can be really useful.

When it comes to cleanliness, there is a difference between good practice and neurosis, so if you feel that you may have a problem with obsessive behaviour I would recommend going to see your GP for more advice.