You are the host to your life...

Dr Brenda Shoshanna in her book Fearless: The 7 Principles of Peace of Mind talks about her observations of a Japanese Tea ceremony and the high attention to detail paid between the host and guest.

In the ceremony she recognises how respectful, appreciative and thankful the relationship is between the host and the guest.

The Host...

The host's job is to take care of the guest, pay attention to them, show appreciation of their presence, to give and to offer their generosity.

The Guest...

The guest's job is to receive the kindness of host, show their appreciation and reciprocate the respect extended to them by the host.

We are hosts to our own lives...

She looks at this host-guest relationship and extends it to a metaphor of us being as a host, and everything we feel and experience as the guest.

We are the hosts to our own lives. The host is the body that remains, the guests come to visit for a period of time, but then leave again.

I really love this idea, because I think it is so empowering and really gives you back a sense of control and peace with the world and the way things are.

You are in control...

When you look at life in this way, where you are the host and everything else is just passing through, you are the one in control.

You are not at the mercy of the world and being blown around by life like a leaf in the wind.

Different moments will come to you as your guests which you experience and attend to and then they leave and you let them go.

All guests will leave...

These guests could be different relationships, feelings of pain, sadness, fear and loss, or joy, happiness, excitement, love.

All these guests will come into our lives to visit us and then once again leave when we have spent enough time with them to accept what they are bringing us.

In Brenda Shoshanna's book she talks about a Zen saying which goes like this,

'When they come, we welcome,

when they go, we do not pursue.'

What a great expression! It gives us complete freedom to accept and ironically release our compulsion or need to control.
   
Nothing lasts forever...

Life is always in a state of change and flow, everything is transient and impermanent, coming and going, nothing lasts forever.

However, just as we cannot hold onto the good times forever, the bad times are also temporary and will change and pass on too.

Change is not loss or failure, it's life...

How do we experience change? If we can allow change, expect it, not fight it and in fact enjoy it, our journey will be a lot less painful and difficult. 

The art of loving and relationships is all about accepting change.

Fear of loss and change in relationships is a big issue for a lot of people and prevents them from allowing things to progress on in the way they are meant to.

Don't treat pain as an intruder... 

When we experience difficult feelings, don't try to fight them and push them away.

We may not like what they are bringing us, but it may be something we need to hear or learn.

Do not treat them as intruders, invite them in as a valued visitor who has something to offer and share with us through their presence.

What is pain trying to tell us?

Spend time with them and give them your attention. Find out what they are here to bring to you, what message they have to give us, what their purpose is in our lives?

The more we try to ignore what they are here to tell us, the longer they will stay and the louder they will shout and the more it will hurt till we listen to them.

Stay with the feeling, don't run away from it...

People often try to escape feelings of fear and loneliness by getting into relationships or using addictions to numb out the pain.

However difficult it is, try to remain in the moment with these feelings and just accept them and allow yourself to feel them completely without resistance and you will find they will just go.

This process will clear out and release all the trapped painful emotions in your body and mind system and clarity will come to you.

Emotions can mutate...

It is very important to release painful emotions and feelings from your body, because if they are repressed for too long they can mutate into physical problems that are much more difficult to treat.

Chinese acupuncturists will tell you that anger is stored in the liver, fear and anxiety in the kidneys, sorrow in the lungs, rumination in the spleen and excessive joy in the heart.

I didn't know this as a child, but only in retrospect did I realise that my father was chronically angry and because he was unable to express and release these feelings he ended up with liver cancer and passed away at the age of 55 having never touched a drop of alcohol a day in his life.

The host is powerful...

When we think of a host, perhaps we think of a subservient role, but in fact the host has a lot of power and is able to provide structure and direction to the guest.

There will always be some guests we like, enjoy and appreciate more than others, however, it is important to acknowledge the value of every experience they bring, for these are gifts that enable us to keep growing and learning more about ourselves everyday.

Be a doormat, it will opens doors for you...

Here is a simple piece of common sense advice that will serve you well in your life, saving you years of headaches, heartaches and conflict!

Be a doormat...

Yes, I said it. Be a doormat.

By that I don't literally mean have no self respect or self worth, lay down and let people walk all over you.

What I mean is, when your partner asks you for something and it is within your means to do so, give it to them.

Give people what they want.
 
Justin Sterling from the Sterling Institute of Relationships says this, 

'Give your partner what they want,

when they want it, no more, no less.'

This advice goes for friends and family as well as romantic relationships.

When people ask you for something it's usually because they genuinely want and/or need it, they are not asking to be difficult or controlling, or to test you.

If you are in a healthy, committed relationship with someone you respect and trust, who you know is a good person with good intentions, they won't be trying to be unreasonable, or asking you for something that is unreasonable.

If it's not a big deal, don't make it a big deal...

Perhaps it's that they ask you to not be late to an event that is important to them, or to call them before a certain time at night, or to let them know what you are doing in the week so that you can make plans.

If it is not that big of a deal to you, but it means a lot to them, give them what they want, when they want it. No more, no less. No questions asked.

The no more, no less thing is important, here's why.

Don't give less...

Don't give less than what is asked for, this is crucial.

They will feel like you are being calculating and spiteful and only giving in to them begrudgingly.

Not only will it make them UNhappy, it will annoy them even more than if you didn't give them what they wanted at all.

Don't give more...

And don't give more than what is asked for either.

When you give too much, you are giving away your self worth and they will not respect you for it.

They may feel overwhelmed and smothered and get the sense that you are trying too hard and are too needy, insecure and dependent.

They may end up really treating you like a doormat and taking you for granted.

What do I get out of it?

Ok, ok, I hear you saying, are you crazy? What are you talking about?!!

Why should I?!!

What do I get out of it?!!

I can't just give them whatever they want, whenever they want it, they will think I'm a pushover!!!

...But will they? Really? 

If this is someone you are in a loving connected relationship with, do you think that when you do what they ask you to, and give them what they ask you to give, they are secretly laughing at you behind your back saying, hahaha! That such and such is a major loser, they just do whatever I say!

Or do you think that they will be genuinely touched at your responsiveness to what they have asked you for and your co-operation with their request?

Do you think perhaps it is more likely they will say to themself, wow this person is truly amazing and really does care about me...?

People respond to you, the way you respond to them...

When you give someone what they ask for they will be happy. They will feel heard, respected, appreciated, connected, loved, grateful and satisfied.

And...

This is the bit in answer to your question of what do I get?

...You get the same in return! 

They will feel so loved and special to you, that they will want to give the same back to you...

When you want it.

How you want it.

And with a cherry on top!

Being a 'doormat' will open all kinds of doors to you, as your partner will recognise your sensitivity and responsiveness to them and want to give you everything in return.

Final word of warning...

Two points here to consider:

1) Giving your partner what they want should not be too hard. If this is someone you respect and care for, giving them what they ask for should be something that helps to promote more connectedness and trust between you.

If you have tried to work on this together and it is too hard, it may be that you are just not compatible.

2) If you are with someone who you are already giving everything they ask for, when they ask for it, and it still never seems to be enough, there may be some deeper issues at the core of this for them.

Perhaps they have some unresolved emotional trauma in their past they need to take a look at for themself in therapy rather than draining you of your resources.

It is not your responsibility to make another person happy, as this is more like an unhealthy co-dependent relationship where neither of you is really happy and free.

It ain't what's good that counts...

What makes a relationship successful?

It depends what you mean by success, but when I look at the most successful relationships around me, I observe a very important factor in common with all of these couples. 

They often don't have the most dynamic, exciting, breath taking relationships.

They probably wouldn't make very good movies.

But they are easy, comfortable, stable and pleasant to be around.

There is very little unneccessary drama.

I quantify the success of a relationship here as being a satisfying and secure relationship that has sustained throughout time.

It doesn't matter how much you like someone...

The thing is it's not about how good it is when it is good.

Or how much you like, fancy, admire or adore each other.

These are the things that make the tough times worth it of course, but these can also be the things that make it so difficult to see the reality of the situation you are in.

When it's good it's great, no problem...

It doesn't matter how much you like someone, or how great it is when it's good...because when it's good between you, that's great, there is no problem, there is nothing to be concerned about.

However, that's not going to be what gets you through.
 
It is inevitable that there will be bad times in and amongst all these good times and that is what will really show what you are made of.

It's about what's good when it's bad...

It's not about what's good when it's good, that's never an issue. What is actually most important is how good you are together when its bad, that is really going to get you through.

Highs and lows...

If your relationship is like a huge pendulum swinging from massive highs to crashing lows, it's likely you are caught in one of these situations where the good is so amazing that you want to stay and fight for it in spite of how terrible it is when you are low.

However the highs are usually so high, because they are coupled with devastating lows and over time this is going to wear out even the most committed romantics.

The best love stories won't make it to Hollywood...

How you manage your bad times, crises and lows will be the best indicator of the long term success of your relationship.

The best love stories won't make it to Hollywood, because they will be mostly low drama, efficient, co-operative and quick when it comes to dealing with conflict and generally all round pretty stable affairs.

Drama comes from the ego...

It's always been my opinion that the truest romance and most authentic love emerges within these stable, safe conditions of a relationship anyway.

All the rest of the drama is just superficial and ego led and usually you will find is just a flowers and chocolates disguised attempt to avoid real commitment.

Love comes from the heart...

The ego likes to throw out drama to get a reaction, to feel powerful, to create excitement.

True love comes from the heart.

If you both come to each other from your hearts and not your egos, the good will be good and the bad will be good, because this is real love.

And love is going to be what really gets you through in the end.

Vulnerability

I'm loving this song right now by Marina And The Diamonds...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_oMD6-6q5Y&feature=player_embedded

It's so ironic that we are taught to be strong and invulnerable to survive in society, yet it is our very vulnerability that makes us so beautiful and loveable. 

If we don't let people in to see our vulnerability, we don't let them in to love us. 

We think we are doing this to survive, but it's counter-intuitive because we need love to survive. What a catch 22!

This song really resonates for me, I've got it on repeat : )


I Am Not A Robot

You've been acting awful tough lately
Smoking a lot of cigarettes lately
But inside, you're just a little baby
It's okay to say you've got a weak spot
You don't always have to be on top
Better to be hated than love, love, loved for what you're not

You're vulnerable, you're vulnerable
You are not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

You've been hanging with the unloved kids
Who you never really liked and you never trusted
But you are so magnetic, you pick up all the pins
Never committing to anything
You don't pick up the phone when it ring, ring, rings
Don't be so pathetic, just open up and sing

I'm vulnerable, I'm vulnerable
I am not a robot
You're loveable, so loveable
But you're just troubled

Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot
Guess what? I'm not a robot, a robot

Can you teach me how to feel real?
Can you turn my power on?
Well, let the drum beat drop.

What's your pay off?

If you are stuck in a place of pain, I want to ask you, why are you choosing to stay here? 

We choose suffering... 

We all make choices, whether consciously or not, and being in pain and suffering is one of them.

I have a client whose partner ended their relationship a year ago. He was unable to move on and was in a lot of pain asking what he did wrong and how he could have made the relationship work.

After seeing him for 6 weeks and exploring these questions together, I finally asked what his pay off was for staying in this place. He was shocked, he said he didn't realise he was making a decision to stay here in so much pain.

What is your pay off?

When we looked at what his pay off was, he realised even though he was hurting so badly, it meant that he could hold onto this relationship with his ex.

Moving on and letting go of the pain really meant letting go of her and the relationship, and he didn't want to do that because he wasn't ready to.

And that's ok, sometimes it takes us a while to feel ready to let go and grieve something that was and perhaps still is really precious and meaningful to us. What is important is recognising that this is what we are doing and that we have a choice to also work on letting go.

When I suggested writing to her or trying to talk to her, he also didn't feel he could do it. Again because taking this step meant facing the possible reality that it was really over if she rejected him again and this was what he was trying to avoid.

Consciousness is a ticket out of depression...

I think looking at the pay off is useful because if we recognise this is what we are choosing, we have consciousness of what we are doing.

From this place we can make more conscious decisions about what we want to do to move forward or indeed even stay where we are till we feel ready.

Pain feels much more scary, overwhelming and out of control when we don't realise that we are choosing this. Knowing we can let it go when we are ready can be a huge relief and a ticket out of depression...

We can choose to stay in a place of pain, but in the same way it's also up to us when we choose to let go of the pain and open ourselves up to new opportunities and possibilities for the future.

What are you avoiding?

If you are in a painful place today, ask yourself, what is your pay off for staying here? What are you avoiding having to face and deal with?

Perhaps on the converse you are in a relationship that is not quite right for you, but you are choosing to stay and be unhappy because you are afraid to be alone.

Another client I had was separated from her husband, but was still trying to make the relationship work by doing everything that he demanded including coming to therapy on her own.

Why would you choose powerlessness?

When I asked if she was able to talk to him directly about what he wanted, why he was so angry, how she could help him, what he needed, if he still really wanted a divorce, or if he wanted to try and make it work, she said she couldn't do it.

I asked her why she was choosing to stay in such a powerless position? What was her pay off for being in a relationship where she had no voice?

When we looked at this together, she realised she couldn't ask these questions because it meant having to confront the possibility that the relationship was over and she wasn't ready to face that, so she was just going to stay in this place as long as possible and soldier on.

What is your position?

I'm not saying it's easy to get over the endings of relationships and that you should just deal with it, 'choose' to be happy and move on. Or indeed even that you should just accept it is over if that is not what you want.

The real question I'm asking you is what position are you taking and why? Are you staying in a position of pain, powerlessness, unhappiness? Why? What is your pay off?

The clients I talked about above, were both in positions of painful, powerless, limbo really where they were not able to take any action to move towards any outcome for fear of what that might mean.

What do you choose?

In looking at the position they were 'choosing' to take, they are now able to empower themselves to once again make conscious choices about what they want to do either way, rather than feel stuck in a place of sadness and despair.

Be aware that we make choices all the time and as much as you choose pain, you can also choose happiness, freedom and inner peace.

Dating in your 30s...

Dating in your 20s and 30s, particularly for women, is a totally different ball game. Namely, women have a biological imperative that is a reality if children are on the cards.

Fearful facts...
 
Research tells us that a woman's fertility rate drops by 50% by the age of 35 and the older you are, the more difficult a pregnancy you are likely to experience.

Faced with all these frightening facts, it's difficult not to get caught up in the hysteria that begins to become attached to dating.

Every man is a potential father of your children, sperm donor, heathy dna match...!!! Poor guy! Hardly a turn on, or precursor to romance is it?

Dating in your 20s...

Dating in your 20s is all about freedom, experimentation, hedonism, living in the moment, drama and angst, romance and idealism, fun and inconsequence...hope essentially. Hope for the Hollywood dream and everything you ever wanted as a little girl reading fairy tales.

Dating in your 30s...

Dating in your 30s is a much more pragmatic affair. Forget about the dream, it hasn't happened and we don't have time to mess about anymore.

Does he have a steady income and a clean CRB check? Does he want children? Does he want marriage? Yes to the above, fine, let's get on with it.

I'm not saying all 30 something women want these things in a man. Indeed, marriage and children might not be something that appeals to you, but there's no denying that it is a societal life stage that kicks in around this decade of our lives.

Ready to settle down, not ready to settle...

Just because you may have reached an age where you are anxious to settle down, it may not be wise to settle for someone you are fundamentally incompatible with.

The problems will all surface over time and if your partner is not a good match for you, the reality of it is that you will have your children together and struggle, which will not be a healthy happy environment for anybody.

Then your children will grow up and leave home and you will be left with a sperm donor you really have not much in common with! Perhaps that's too cynical a viewpoint, but essentially I'm saying choose someone for who they are, because that is what you are really signing up for.

Step away from womb watch and baby brain madness!!

In and amongst the madness of societal pressure and biological urgency, I would encourage you to consider the importance of the decision you are making for your future.

Try to step away from the pressure of womb watching and baby brain and remember you are choosing a life partner, not just someone to randomly procreate with.

Find an authentic connection...

It's going to be a tough job raising a family and the person you choose to do this with will make all the difference in how hard or easy this is.

How well you are able to communicate, support each other and work together is really important, as this is what you will need to get through the really difficult times.

Start from a place of authentic connection and work your way towards where you would like to go from there.

Don't settle...

Just because you are ready to settle down doesn't mean you should settle for someone who is not able to meet your emotional needs.

Wait for the right person for you because when he comes along, you will be in alignment and it will all happen quickly and organically from there.

Q & A - Sexual tension.

Hi Priscilla,

I have a question……how do you pour cold water over the situation when the tension is just too strong? 

 Meeting with the guy I'm seeing for our third date tomorrow before he goes away on Thursday for two weeks. But even on the bbm its lots of innuendos and suggestions. We match in that sense…LOL. We are so hot for each other, but I don't want to go so fast or sleep with him too soon and get attached.

Also any ideas for where to go on the date? Ahaaaa perhaps theatre show or bowling? What do you think?

Yours, 

Excited.

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Dear Excited.

Thank you for your email.

I suggest you let him decide on where to go on your date. You are the one he is trying to convince and woo remember, so don't be so 'nice' and 'considerate' at this stage. Plenty of time to be nice to your husband later : )

Secondly, you can't pretend the sexual tension is not there, so just acknowledge it.

Feel what you feel, accept that is how you feel and say it out loud to him so it is not an unspoken tension/conflict anymore. By doing this you regain control over what you want to do about it, instead of feeling controlled by your feelings.

So, when you feel it, or when you see him and the timing is right, make a joke, hahaha, we are like desperate to jump each other's bones, the sexual tension is ridiculous isn't it?!!

Then suddenly the power of this unspoken tension is released and what you want to do with this is all in your hands and not some kind of crazy, out of control, sexual madness between you. Plenty of time for that stuff when you are really ready and want to move things forward.
 

Because you are being authentic and honest about how you feel in a non-threatening fun way, he will respect you and be totally shocked by how comfortable you are with your feelings.

Try it : ) let me know how it goes!!

Priscilla.

x

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Wowzers! Thanks so much!

You can really hit the nail on the head and empower!

Perfect solution. Will let you know the outcome...

Yours,
Excited.