He Calls Other Girls Sexy...

Anna writes:

"I saw messages that my fiancée sent to some girl on Facebook saying "hey sexy." I found it very disrespectful and to some level cheating. 

He said he has no attachment to the word when referencing women outside of me. I think that words such as those should be only used when he is speaking to me. 

I would like to know what's your opinion on this. I've been cheated on in the past and my ex did the same.....calling other women sexy, baby, sweetie and hun."

My response:

"It sounds like you have been hurt in the past and so it is hard not to make the same connections when they are threatening to repeat in your present relationship. 

Does your partner know why you feel the way you do and how it has affected you? 

Sometimes we choose partners subconsciously because we want to heal past traumas that we have not yet fully processed.

Do you think you are over the hurt of the betrayal of your previous relationship, or might it be worth doing some work on yourself to release those anxieties. ie. Find a good therapist or perhaps try some acupuncture to release emotions. 

It really does come down to the individual, what their personal values are and if in your relationship you can both accept, respect and negotiate each other's boundaries. Some girls might not mind her boyfriend calling other girls 'sexy' and some girls might never even see a guy again if he did that in front of her. 

On balance do you think you can really communicate with your partner to resolve conflict and if you do really trust him? 

You can never control another person, the only person you have control over changing is yourself. And remember you always have a choice over what you think, feel and want in life."

Anna writes:

"I see what you're saying. Yes I'm over the hurt, but I'm scared of letting it happen to me again.  

My fiancée thinks that when he told me it was nothing, when he said "hey sexy" I should have taken his word and not thought more into it.

He knows how I feel. He broke up with his ex for her not trusting him, so he was also angry at me, while I was angry at him for what he did. He also said that he didn't think what he did was that severe for me to go all "crazy" on him about the situation. 

We are getting counselling together from our pastor who is a licensed therapist, but I can't afford to get individual counselling. I realize that he and I have different ideas on what cheating is, or what inappropriate behaviour is. 

We did discuss it last night and he said he won't do it again because he know it was wrong etc. but I'm still scared. I do trust him but I'm scared. I was going to tell him delete Facebook, but if I trust him he won't have to because he said he won't do it again."

My response:

"You have a right to feel what you feel especially after what you have been through, but it's the way you process it for yourself to communicate and share how you feel with your partner. I mean if you responding to a situation or reacting... 

If you are shouting and screaming in anger as a reaction to fear, it's the fear underneath that is important to communicate and is easier for your partner to hear and reassure you about. 

I find it interesting that both you and your partner are repeating your past relationship patterns and behaviours. You both have found yourself in similar situations before and it sounds like you are both frustrated with yourselves and each other to be here again. 

We often seek out past hurts subconsciously on a developmental level to heal unprocessed emotions. What can you both do differently this time to break the patterns of your past? 

It sounds like your partner cares about you and it's great that you are getting couples counselling together, that shows a lot of commitment from him to your relationship. Also that he said he wouldn't do it again shows that he cares about your feelings and respects your boundaries. 

A really excellent book I recommend to all my clients and indeed friends is 'Hold Me Tight' by Dr Susan Johnson. She is a fantastic therapist and works with emotions and attachment, if you only buy one book in your life, you should buy this one!"

Anna says:

"You're right...I was crying and yelling. 

I will definitely get that book. 

I don't know what we can do to break he pattern. I mean we talked about our boundaries etc but that's it. 

Another problem if you don't mind me voicing... he is not going to call me any endearments any more (baby, sexy, love, etc ) because he said just in case anything pops up again, it wont be a problem because he doesn't call me those words anyway. 

I'm not sure how to feel about that statement. I don't know if he was saying it cause he was upset, but I am definitely going to ask him about it. If he knows what he did was wrong then nothing should "pop" up again."

My response:

Perhaps this article will help explain your partners reaction to you being upset: http://thetermsofendearment.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/fear-and-shame.html 

You being upset at him triggers his anger and defence because he feels shame for hurting you, so can't hear what you are really saying and why. When you are both in that place where you are upset and saying things you don't mean and damaging your relationship, it's good to practice calling a time out to calm down before you try and talk to each other again. 

Trying to get to grips with your triggers and being able to calm yourself down before you talk to him, will help you get more of the response and reassurance you are really asking for.

Using simple sentence structures like:  

1. When you...(insert action) ie. call other girls sexy.

2. It makes me feel...(insert feeling) ie. sad, insecure, anxious, worried, paranoid, jealous, upset. etc 

3. What can we do about it? 

Making your statement about you and your feelings takes the blame element away and opens things up for discussion so you can address them together. 

Also you can try a simple communication exercise, which has worked wonders with my clients: 

http://thetermsofendearment.blogspot.co.uk/2010/09/communication-exercise.html 

Hope that helps and let me know how you get on..."

Anna writes:

"Wow I read the information in the link you sent me. Very informative!!!!!! 

It does help. I will suggest those exercises to him. 

The crazy thing is we want to get married in a few months...hopefully we would solve all our issues then.

Thanks again."

My response:

"Relationships and marriage are all a work in progress. Getting to know each other and learning how to love each other is a life time's journey.  

Don’t put too much pressure on yourselves to ‘get it right’ or feel you have to solve all your problems before or when you are married.


Take it easy and allow yourself to forgive yourselves and each other if sometimes you make mistakes that hurt each other along the way.

Take care and all the best."